Hi, I am a secondary editor for you. I saw the phenomenal and complete edit by pipisafoat and thought, man, what I am going to add. So if you don't mind, I would like to give more a view of what I saw from the piece as a reader looking at this as a standalone. One thing I must say in contrast to the other editor is I didn't mind the use of the word said. But that could be because I am used to using the word a lot myself. I personally don't like using another word for said for the sake of using another word. If something is a reply, sure, use reply instead of said. If something was shouted as an urge, then use urged. Otherwise, I think use of the word said is a good thing. That is because I noticed there are so many different words in your story. I realize that probably sounds like the dumbest comment ever made, but what I mean to say is when you look at your prose, it's like stepping into Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. There are so many colorful phrases and quirky names and visual adjectives. That is why having a standard said doesn't hurt the work because there is so much stuff for your brain to intake. I think this is one of those pieces that really couldn't stand alone -- someone couldn't come in and pick up what is going on. But that is OK because it is part of a larger piece. Your descriptions are well done, and your dialogue is tight. I will say, there are a lot of characters strewn within this piece, and that can be tough to deal with as a reader. However, that is a hard thing to say again, because this is not a standalone, and more importantly, not the first story within the series. But that might be something to think about when developing this piece. At some point, you may find yourself with one too many named characters and it might be necessary to pull that character down a notch to a secondary character so that the reader can concentrate on more important characters. Just a thought. I don't know if this is helpful, but my favorite part was that of Sir Hatter. His character made me want to read more. I could envision him better than any other character, although with just one line about mattresses and pillows, I could automatically envision Creedy. That is what I like, you leave things to the writer's imagination and I liked that. I don't know if this helps, and if you have any comments, please let me know. Thanks for letting me edit. - Jean
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So if you don't mind, I would like to give more a view of what I saw from the piece as a reader looking at this as a standalone.
One thing I must say in contrast to the other editor is I didn't mind the use of the word said. But that could be because I am used to using the word a lot myself. I personally don't like using another word for said for the sake of using another word. If something is a reply, sure, use reply instead of said. If something was shouted as an urge, then use urged. Otherwise, I think use of the word said is a good thing. That is because I noticed there are so many different words in your story.
I realize that probably sounds like the dumbest comment ever made, but what I mean to say is when you look at your prose, it's like stepping into Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. There are so many colorful phrases and quirky names and visual adjectives. That is why having a standard said doesn't hurt the work because there is so much stuff for your brain to intake.
I think this is one of those pieces that really couldn't stand alone -- someone couldn't come in and pick up what is going on. But that is OK because it is part of a larger piece.
Your descriptions are well done, and your dialogue is tight.
I will say, there are a lot of characters strewn within this piece, and that can be tough to deal with as a reader. However, that is a hard thing to say again, because this is not a standalone, and more importantly, not the first story within the series. But that might be something to think about when developing this piece. At some point, you may find yourself with one too many named characters and it might be necessary to pull that character down a notch to a secondary character so that the reader can concentrate on more important characters. Just a thought.
I don't know if this is helpful, but my favorite part was that of Sir Hatter. His character made me want to read more. I could envision him better than any other character, although with just one line about mattresses and pillows, I could automatically envision Creedy. That is what I like, you leave things to the writer's imagination and I liked that.
I don't know if this helps, and if you have any comments, please let me know.
Thanks for letting me edit.
- Jean