Thanks for the edits. I noticed in a comment to another post that you've been feeling unwell this week, and I'm glad you felt better enough to take a stab at my submission.
I agree with you about the cheesiness in the romantic elements. I think at the time I wrote the story I was feeling a bit more whimsical and didn't mind using the clichés at full power. Reading it again they don't seem as funny, and just look sort of pathetic.
I think I'll tweak a few other things based on your other suggestions as well. The only one I really disagree with is the use of "she/he" for the fae – I think it helps to reinforce that they aren't human or even semi-human if I stick with "it." It's particularly important for Allister to think of each one as "it" so he maintains the right level of dread and distrust when dealing with it. Still, I appreciate the suggestion.
Thanks again for your time. I think I'll let your comments simmer a bit and then go see if I can make some improvements on what I've got so far.
Re: edit part 1
I agree with you about the cheesiness in the romantic elements. I think at the time I wrote the story I was feeling a bit more whimsical and didn't mind using the clichés at full power. Reading it again they don't seem as funny, and just look sort of pathetic.
I think I'll tweak a few other things based on your other suggestions as well. The only one I really disagree with is the use of "she/he" for the fae – I think it helps to reinforce that they aren't human or even semi-human if I stick with "it." It's particularly important for Allister to think of each one as "it" so he maintains the right level of dread and distrust when dealing with it. Still, I appreciate the suggestion.
Thanks again for your time. I think I'll let your comments simmer a bit and then go see if I can make some improvements on what I've got so far.