[I think you’re already familiar with my editing style, the [red pen] and all.]
"Why wasn't someone watching him? Why was the wine cellar even open?" Allister said, his voice shifting upwards in pitch ever so slightly as he contemplated his bleak and uncertain [“uncertain implies more mystery than worry, downplaying the urgency of “bleak”] future. The maid just looked at him helplessly.
After a moment, Allister remembered to breathe again.[I hope you realize how cheesy the rest of the story will have to be now…]
He looked at the basket next to the door, and was unsurprised to see that all four iron horseshoes were still there. [Very nice, blunt, inexplicable foreshadowing. My interest is increased here.]
The air was cool and pleasant, and reminded Allister of an evening in the garden in springtime [Try “reminded Allister of a springtime evening in the garden.” Shaving down just a few words can make a sentence much smoother.] He grimaced as he thought about why this was the case.[He grimaced as he thought about/contemplated this.]
"Hello? Your Grace?" Allister called, trying to make his voice loud enough to be heard by the Duke, but not loud enough to be heard by anything else. Only silence answered him. Allister cautiously made his way past the racks of wine. He paused when he noticed a bottle on the floor. Crouching, he retrieved it and inspected the label. [Some good suspense-building here.]
Plus [I wouldn’t recommend the term ‘plus’ to match the language in the rest of the story], of course, there was the short spear it was holding that appeared to be made of glass and tipped with a blade cut from a single enormous ruby. [This single detail brings us to a much better place for imagining the rest.]
"Give me the poker," the Duke said. Allister's training and place in the social order made him want to obey. However, his sense of self preservation was what was currently running the show. Allister spared the duke an incredulous look. The duke had the grace to look a bit embarrassed. [This is a particularly mature and thoughtful passage.]
edit part 1
"Why wasn't someone watching him? Why was the wine cellar even open?" Allister said, his voice shifting upwards in pitch ever so slightly as he contemplated his bleak and uncertain [“uncertain implies more mystery than worry, downplaying the urgency of “bleak”] future. The maid just looked at him helplessly.
After a moment, Allister remembered to breathe again.[I hope you realize how cheesy the rest of the story will have to be now…]
He looked at the basket next to the door, and was unsurprised to see that all four iron horseshoes were still there. [Very nice, blunt, inexplicable foreshadowing. My interest is increased here.]
The air was cool and pleasant, and reminded Allister of an evening in the garden in springtime [Try “reminded Allister of a springtime evening in the garden.” Shaving down just a few words can make a sentence much smoother.] He grimaced as he thought about why this was the case.[He grimaced as he thought about/contemplated this.]
"Hello? Your Grace?" Allister called, trying to make his voice loud enough to be heard by the Duke, but not loud enough to be heard by anything else. Only silence answered him. Allister cautiously made his way past the racks of wine. He paused when he noticed a bottle on the floor. Crouching, he retrieved it and inspected the label. [Some good suspense-building here.]
Plus [I wouldn’t recommend the term ‘plus’ to match the language in the rest of the story], of course, there was the short spear it was holding that appeared to be made of glass and tipped with a blade cut from a single enormous ruby. [This single detail brings us to a much better place for imagining the rest.]
"Give me the poker," the Duke said. Allister's training and place in the social order made him want to obey. However, his sense of self preservation was what was currently running the show. Allister spared the duke an incredulous look. The duke had the grace to look a bit embarrassed. [This is a particularly mature and thoughtful passage.]