"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" Allister shouted at him, more angry than he'd ever been in his entire life. [This part= "I don't care if you're a duke! Right now I wouldn't care if you were the bloody KING!= doesn’t add much, it’s the kind of sentiment that is better implied than stated as it can be easily assumed.] You get away from Lord Wincott's wine and get over here RIGHT NOW!"
[Allister staggered out of the cellar and blinked at the crowd of people that were staring at him. He was at a loss for what to say or what to do.=both these sentences could be tightened up] Up until a few minutes ago, Allister's life had consisted entirely of just trying to stay alive and get the Duke back to what Allister thought of as "the real world." How does one make the transition from that back to a normal life?[A question, like most, better asked by the protagonist to himself than by the author to the reader.]
Suddenly, Gywnn came barreling out of the crowd and threw her arms around him. Well, that answered that question. Allister finally let the poker drop from his fingers so that he could put both arms around her.
[I’m not against the relationship between Allister and Gywnn, and ending it on that high note is appropriate enough for this kind of story. I really would trim back some of the romantic cliché’s from their earlier exchange as the rest of the story is not quite farcical enough to absorb it. This is not a bad fantasy story. With a little more tightening of the sentence structures and a little more description (which you are clearly capable of regarding the fae, though I’d strongly suggest using ‘he’ and ‘she’ instead of ‘it’ when including any character at length, unless they are explicitly a/multi-sexual) this can be a fairly good one. Fair-ly. Heh.]
edit part 2
[Allister staggered out of the cellar and blinked at the crowd of people that were staring at him. He was at a loss for what to say or what to do.=both these sentences could be tightened up] Up until a few minutes ago, Allister's life had consisted entirely of just trying to stay alive and get the Duke back to what Allister thought of as "the real world." How does one make the transition from that back to a normal life?[A question, like most, better asked by the protagonist to himself than by the author to the reader.]
Suddenly, Gywnn came barreling out of the crowd and threw her arms around him. Well, that answered that question. Allister finally let the poker drop from his fingers so that he could put both arms around her.
[I’m not against the relationship between Allister and Gywnn, and ending it on that high note is appropriate enough for this kind of story. I really would trim back some of the romantic cliché’s from their earlier exchange as the rest of the story is not quite farcical enough to absorb it. This is not a bad fantasy story. With a little more tightening of the sentence structures and a little more description (which you are clearly capable of regarding the fae, though I’d strongly suggest using ‘he’ and ‘she’ instead of ‘it’ when including any character at length, unless they are explicitly a/multi-sexual) this can be a fairly good one. Fair-ly. Heh.]