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LPF Week 13 - Enjoy Every Sandwich
"Mortals! Hearken to my words! The world you knew is dead, and a new world is born from the ruins! Rejoice! Rejoice at the dawn of your new world!"
You have to admit, they really know how to open a press conference. Also, I never fail to be impressed at how articulate they are in spite of all of those teeth jutting every which way.
It rambles on for a while in a similar vein about how the past was nothing but a rotting, half-remembered dream, and how lucky we all are that this is the case, and my attention wanders a bit. It's funny how you can get used to almost anything. If you'd told me a year ago that it would be possible for my attention to wander during a demon press conference...well, I probably wouldn’t have believed you about the demons in the first place, or the fact that demons would hold press conferences.
I guess they conquered us? It's not clear exactly what our current status is. They just appeared one day and started shouting about stuff. Well, "appeared" doesn't really convey the awesome horror of the whole thing. The air started to bleed, and then they kind of ripped their way through it. Like your surroundings were painted on a sheet, and they were tearing through it, and that sheet bled when you tore it. Yeah, it was pretty awful.
Due to their monstrous appearance and unsettling mechanism for arriving in our world, the most common response to seeing them was to run screaming. However, there were those who responded immediately with violence. It didn’t help. It did not, in fact, do anything. The demons aren't really alive as we understand such things - or at the very least they certainly can't be killed as we understand death. They weren’t upset about being attacked, at least. They didn't even bother to fight back.
Once it became obvious that the demons weren't going to do physical violence to people, some brave folks decided we should try talking to them. In an attempt to be diplomatic, they called them "other-planar persons." The demons were quick to correct us - they were demons, and we wouldn't hurt their feelings by calling them such. Also, they didn't have feelings.
Some people tried worshiping them. The demons thought this was hilarious.
The demons didn't do anything as crass as take over governments or make any demands. They decree a lot of things, but it feels more like they're passing along news than - oh, wait, it's gotten to the important bit.
"Henceforth, it shall be an immutable truth that: a sandwich just isn't a sandwich without the tangy zip of Miracle Whip."
O...kay. Even when you don't know what to expect, there are things that are a whole other level of unexpected, and this is one of those things.
Someone has raised their hand. The demon points to them with one of its appendages. “You have a question, pitiful meat creature?” the demon says.
"You're ordering us to use Miracle Whip?" the person asks.
"Of course not!" says the demon. "But understand this - a sandwich that lacks Miracle Whip will not a sandwich be!"
From the number of furtive, questioning glances being exchanged, it’s pretty obvious that none of us understand this.
"How exactly will you be enforcing this decree?" someone else asks.
"Foolish worm!" the demon says, more amused than with any real malice, "Do you ask how the tides are enforced? How to enforce the rising of the sun each morning? It shall simply be!"
Uh huh. An advertising slogan from forty years ago is now a physical law of the universe? That can't really be what the demon means, right?
But no, it totally is. It quickly becomes apparent that any sufficiently sandwich-like food construct that lacks Miracle Whip will spontaneously disassemble itself back into its component parts. You can then still eat those parts if you wish, assuming you still have an appetite after watching your food move around on its own, but if you try to reassemble your sandwich it will only dismantle itself again.
Some people wonder if Kraft Foods has bargained with the demons to institute these bizarre new circumstances to somehow boost sales of Miracle Whip, but Kraft claims they had nothing to do with it. Considering how deaf the demons seem to be to any attempt to negotiate with them, it's pretty easy to believe Kraft.
This situation is inconvenient for people who like sandwiches and don't like Miracle Whip, and sparks furious debate over whether or not wraps should count as sandwiches. But it could be worse.
It soon is.
Within weeks, a seemingly infinite amount of Jell-O can be fit into a space of any size. Production of Pop Tarts ceases once they become "crazy good," causing madness with even a single bite. A similar fate befalls Cheetos when they literally become "dangerously cheesy" - the factories that made them end up being quarantined. Adults are unable to consume Trix cereal. The economy goes nuts when Velveeta turns into liquid gold. The world feels like its sliding further into chaos with every moment.
Honestly, sometimes I feel like the best and only good part of the whole day is my morning cup of Folger's coffee.
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...also, I feel I should mention that I don't actually like Miracle Whip, but since I also don't really eat sandwiches, I'm not sure how much that part of the new world order would affect me.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! = )