1st paragraph - The first five words started to hook me, but after the comma I felt the sentence became just a little too long for an opening sentence. I'd suggest ending the sentence after 'The alley was dark'. I think if this sentence were broken into two sentences, it would actually make the story grab the reader's attention a little more. Plus, I think it would start the story with just a little more of a mysterious feel.
4th paragraph - 1st sentence - I think you meant 'be taking' instead of 'being taking'.
I realize the whole conversation is between two killers, but I found myself being amused and really curious about their lives by the end. Very well done overall.
Please let me know if you have any questions or if I've confused you at all with what I have written.
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Editor Comments
Date: 2008-07-05 09:01 pm (UTC)4th paragraph - 1st sentence - I think you meant 'be taking' instead of 'being taking'.
I realize the whole conversation is between two killers, but I found myself being amused and really curious about their lives by the end. Very well done overall.
Please let me know if you have any questions or if I've confused you at all with what I have written.