Let me start by saying I like your idea to continue developing the storyline for each topic. It's a challenge, but a good one that I think could really work!
Grammar editing suggestions: 1. Greenway appeared to a man of reasonable wealth. Being is missing here. 2. Certainly it would be tiresome to write all of these long lines of numbers with your left hand. Or your toes.” placing a comma between hand and or seems to take away some of the choppiness that having a three-word sentence creates. 3. where Greenway might be, and we -” Just personal preference, maybe, but ... is what I'm most used to seeing when someone has been cut off. 4. He did so hate being interrupted - saying "so" is acceptable when someone is speaking, but isn't really grammatically correct in writing. You could say He hated being interrupted. Also, one of the things I was taught when writing is to try and avoid using the same word twice. Instead of the first occurrance of interrupted, you could try interjected.
Content feedback Is the corpse disposed of in the first paragraph Mr Baker or someone else? On my first read, I thought it may have been another corpse. After a couple more reads, I realized you were referring to the rope as "it." Is this correct? If the dead body is Mr Baker, perhaps you could mention his name when mentioning the corpse for the first time.
This piece flows nicely, and is easy to read. Good use of paragraphs, including the length, helps make it easy to read.
You are right, this piece works well as a stand alone piece, for anyone who hasn't read the first one.
I like how you chose to end this piece, too. You didn't end it too abruptly, but leave enough unsaid to make me want to read the next chapter. I hope you will continue this, it's great!
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Date: 2008-07-18 04:56 am (UTC)I'm backup editor for last week's entries.
Let me start by saying I like your idea to continue developing the storyline for each topic. It's a challenge, but a good one that I think could really work!
Grammar editing suggestions:
1. Greenway appeared to a man of reasonable wealth. Being is missing here.
2. Certainly it would be tiresome to write all of these
long lines of numbers with your left hand. Or your toes.” placing a comma between hand and or seems to take away some of the choppiness that having a three-word sentence creates.
3. where Greenway might be, and we -” Just personal preference, maybe, but ... is what I'm most used to seeing when someone has been cut off.
4. He did so hate being interrupted - saying "so" is acceptable when someone is speaking, but isn't really grammatically correct in writing. You could say He hated being interrupted. Also, one of the things I was taught when writing is to try and avoid using the same word twice. Instead of the first occurrance of interrupted, you could try interjected.
Content feedback
Is the corpse disposed of in the first paragraph Mr Baker or someone else? On my first read, I thought it may have been another corpse. After a couple more reads, I realized you were referring to the rope as "it." Is this correct? If the dead body is Mr Baker, perhaps you could mention his name when mentioning the corpse for the first time.
This piece flows nicely, and is easy to read. Good use of paragraphs, including the length, helps make it easy to read.
You are right, this piece works well as a stand alone piece, for anyone who hasn't read the first one.
I like how you chose to end this piece, too. You didn't end it too abruptly, but leave enough unsaid to make me want to read the next chapter. I hope you will continue this, it's great!