fiction - brigits_flame - dine

[hwango]

This is my entry for the writing activity on the brigits_flame community. The prompt for this week was "dine."

Princess Rosaliya gazed out her window at the kingdom that had been her home for her entire life. She had visited other lands for diplomatic ceremonies, weddings, and other courtly matters, and always found herself looking forward to returning home. Everywhere else she went she felt like someone playing a part. Only in her homeland did she really feel like herself.

Alas, it would not be long before she would have to leave it all behind. As was the custom of the land, she was soon to be married off to some stranger. Many of the neighboring countries were sending princes and other noblemen who would all attempt to win her hand. In the old days she might have at least had a chance to meet with them and come to a decision after some thought, but as her father slipped further into madness his decrees were becoming more and more bizarre.

For Rosaliya, he had proclaimed that each of her suitors should bring some fine meal to offer her, so that she might make her choice of where she would live based on where the food was the best. Rosaliya had been less than thrilled by this news, but considered that she was luckier than her older sister Olivia, who had been married to the suitor who had the thickest eyebrows. Rosaliya shuddered at the memory of the man.

A gentle tapping at the door brought her thoughts back to the present. Her maid opened the door to reveal a young boy.

"Message for the princess," said the boy, holding out a sealed piece of parchment. Rosaliya nodded for the maid to take it and bring it to her. The messenger remained at the door, which Rosaliya thought was odd, but she was much more interested in who might have written to her. She maintained correspondence with a few other noblewomen, but the seal on the letter belonged to no one that she knew.

As Rosaliya read the letter, the maid could see her expression shift from surprise to amusement. The princess dipped a quill into some ink and wrote something at the bottom of the parchment, folded it, and resealed it. She returned it to the messenger with a smile, and the boy dashed off down the hallway.

The maid would not dare to be so presumptuous as to ask what was in the message, but Rosaliya could see that she desperately wanted to do so anyway. Rosaliya laughed. "It was about the ceremony," she said, and smiled again.
* * *
Weeks had passed, and the time had arrived for Rosaliya's prospective husbands to present themselves. There were more than a dozen of them, each in the finery of their native lands. Each one held a covered tray containing the meal they would present to Rosaliya. The meals had all been prepared in the castle's kitchens from ingredients the suitors brought with them by cooks they had also brought with them. Rosaliya looked out over the colorful group and wondered which of them she would choose. At least none of them had eyebrows the size of sausages. She waved for the first suitor to step forward.

The first man was dressed in a fine doublet of deep blues and greens. He had dark eyes, dark hair, and skin the color of bronze. On the tips of the fingers of one hand he balanced a delicate silver platter inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The lid that covered it had been carved from brilliant red coral. He flashed the princess a smile of incredibly white teeth and removed the lid with a theatrical flourish.

"My lady, I bring for you succulent Nightwatch crab, rarest delicacy of my land, which strays close enough to the shore to be caught for only one hour each night. I present it here sautéed in butter with lemon and capers."

Rosaliya speared a small piece on a single tine of a silver fork and delicately placed it in her mouth. She had to admit, it was delicious. She nodded to him and smiled. He flashed her another smile and took a step back.

The next suitor stepped forward. He wore a rather severe tunic of iron gray and a cloak of emerald green that matched the color of his eyes. Easily the tallest man in the room, he towered over the first suitor by nearly a foot. In his hands he held an intricately carved wooden tray with a woven grass cover. With precise formality he lifted the lid.

"My lady, I offer you the tender meat of the Cloud-Dweller Pheasant, which roosts in the tallest trees of my land. It has been roasted for you with honey and pecans."

This too the princess sampled with her silver fork. She smiled at him and nodded, and he stepped back.

And so it went, on and on, each suitor in their finery presenting her with rare delicacies of their lands presented on fancy trays. Rosaliya found many of the dishes quite tasty and some of the men rather charming, but the assembled crowd could see that she had not yet chosen any of them.

Finally, there was only one suitor left to present himself. Many in the crowd had overlooked him because he looked rather plain next to some of the more exotic foreigners, and the tray he carried appeared to be one from the kitchens downstairs. His clothes were neat and clean, but not particularly elegant. More than one guest smothering under their formal clothes stared daggers at him for wearing something that appeared to be practical and comfortable. He smiled at the princess and took a step forward.

"My lady, I bring you this," he said, and lifted the lid from his tray. "An apple from the tree in the garden of this very palace."

Some in the crowd could only sit in stunned silence. Others engaged in scandalized whispering. A very few began to shout at the suitor for this shameful display of disrespect until they were all motioned to silence by the princess. She leaned forward and took the apple in her hand, then sat back and took a large bite out of it. She smiled, and this time it was not just a polite smile, but one that showed in her eyes and lit up her face.

"Thank you," she said when she had finished chewing, "for bringing me exactly what I wanted."

Several of the other suitors were visibly angered by this. One, whose face was turning an alarming red, sharply gestured to his offering.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to catch one of these things?! If you don't spear it precisely through the heart they explode. Explode! And you're choosing an apple?!"

The princess favored him with a cool look that quieted him instantly. Then she turned her attention to the group as a whole.

"Make no mistake, gentlemen – I am deeply moved by the trouble that each of you went through to provide me with these extravagant meals, and I'm touched by the depth of your devotion to the cause of winning my hand. Many of you undertook difficult or perilous challenges, but only one of you had the foresight to undertake the most important task of all."

She smiled again and gestured for the man who had brought the apple to step forward. He took her hand and stepped up next to her.

"Only one of you wrote ahead to ask what I wanted."

Comments

[wierdauntie.livejournal.com]

Delightful! He deserves his just reward.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I like to think that whatever other virtues or faults he might have, at least he's practical and he cares what she wants, both of which immediately put him at the top of the heap as far as I'm concerned. = )

[dioscorea.livejournal.com]

This was brilliant! As an editor for you this week I really don't have anything to comment on, but as a reader - fabulous. I loved the tone and the pacing. I had a hunch about what exactly the message said, and was very pleased to confirm my suspicions. Wonderful job!

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.

edit

[harlotbug3.livejournal.com]

[Hi again. [Pen] again.]

Everywhere else she went she felt like someone playing a part. Only in her homeland did she really feel like herself. [This is a nice enough insight, but a little description, even a vague one, of either her room or the kingdom she’s gazing over, would reel us in a lot more.]

Rosaliya had been less than thrilled by this news, but considered that she was luckier than her older sister Olivia, who had been married to the suitor who had the thickest eyebrows. [Pff. Lol. This joke would have a little more to it with some build up, perhaps something about her food allergies, or the horror stories she’d heard about foreign culinary tastes.]

The maid would not dare to be so presumptuous as to ask what was in the message, but Rosaliya could see that she desperately wanted to do so anyway. Rosaliya laughed. "It was about the ceremony," she said, and smiled again. [Nice pinch of intrigue here, but some more details about the maid or messenger boy could potentially tell us a lot more about their kingdom.]

* * *

The meals had all been prepared in the castle's kitchens from ingredients the suitors brought with them by cooks they had also brought with them [this sentence is rather stuck between something more concise and clear and a stylish extension of the pomp in the scene.] Rosaliya looked out over the colorful group and wondered which of them she would choose. At least none of them had eyebrows [the size of sausages=with the bare minimal description thus far, this kind of blunt explanation of the joke detracts from its humor.]

The first man was dressed in a fine doublet of deep blues and greens. He had dark eyes, dark hair, and skin the color of bronze. On the [describe more his fingers, or simply say ‘fingertips’]tips of the fingers of one hand he balanced a delicate silver platter inlaid with mother-of-pearl.

This too the princess sampled with her silver fork. She smiled at him and nodded [politely or because it was also delicious?], and he stepped back.

And so it went, on and on, each suitor in their finery presenting her with rare delicacies of their lands [presented-repetition of this word in the same sentence makes it a little too bulky] on fancy trays.

More than one guest smothering under their formal clothes stared daggers at him for wearing something that appeared to be practical and comfortable [heh.cute]. He smiled at the princess and took a step forward.

"Only one of you wrote ahead to ask what I wanted." [The conclusion here actually flowed and wrapped up very well, it’s the first half of the story that seems a bit underdeveloped. Give it some more seasoning in the first course and this story will be entirely satisfying.]

Re: edit

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the extra edit! I know what you mean about the lack of description at the beginning. This was written very hastily after I finally gave up on my first idea that totally wasn't working, so it could definitely use some more attention in general. Sorry the "sausage eyebrows" joke didn't work for you. I liked setting it up in part one and then finishing the joke in part two, but I guess it does sort of stick out in both places. Thanks for pointing out some of the awkward sentences and such, too. I'll take another look at those when I go through this again. Thanks again!

Editor

[amri.livejournal.com]

Hi-

I'm helping out and picked up this for another run through as an editor.

I was delighted to read this entry when the voting for week 2 appeared. I've discovered you to be quite the hidden jewel in the bunch and your writings often appeal to my own love of fairy tales. Not only do you write wonderful fairy tales - you often make them darker which is my favorite.

I love the colorful descriptions that fill this story. It's not hard for my mind's eye to pick out the dish coverings, the livery, the crowd, and the delicate princess tasting the food with her silver fork.

I also liked that with the telling of the tale, you point out a powerful moral of the story. The winner not only thought about what she wanted but most likely knew she would want something from her own land. I have one suggestion about his choice (and this is only a suggestion =)): I presumed that he chose it because 1. that's what she wanted and 2. it was from her own lands. I'm not sure if that's an accurate presumption or not. Also, 'typical' fairy tales do have the 'wrap up nicely' ending to it suggesting they 'lived happily ever after' somewhere doing something. I'm not saying that you have to be typical! It would be nice to have a closure to that affect.

Most definitely a wonderful read! Keep up the good work - I look forward to future entries.

Good luck!

Re: Editor

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the comments, and I'm glad you enjoyed it (and previous entries from the sound of things)! I see what you mean about the lack of something like "...and the evildoers were thrown down the well. The End."* I'm not sure that I could do that here without stealing the thunder from her explanation, though.

* Have you ever played the game "Once Upon a Time?" It's a storytelling game in which control of the story passes from player to player, and each one is trying to shift the story towards the ending on the card they have in their hand. Most of the endings are happy and typical, but there's one about the evildoers being thrown down a well or something. I always thought that one was hilarious.

[desert-rose.livejournal.com]

Hi there!

I'm here to give you an additional edit on this absolutely fantastic entry!

This piece has been a joy to read from start to finish, and is very well written!!

My editing suggestions:

1. In the old days she might have at least
had a chance to meet with them and come to a decision after some thought, but as her father slipped further into madness (insert a comma after madness, as it improves the flow of this sentence) his decrees were becoming more and more bizarre.
2. Rosaliya shuddered at the memory of the man. I'm curious about what Olivia's husband looks like, so perhaps a description of him could be worked in here.
3. The meals had all been prepared in the
castle's kitchens from ingredients the suitors brought with them by cooks they had also brought with them. A suggestion for tightening up this sentence, and avoiding the overuse of 'they had brought with them.'
The meals had all been prepared in the
castle's kitchens by cooks the suitors had brought with them, using ingredients hand-picked by each potential husband. (I've changed the second use of suitor to husband, as I try not to use the same word twice in a sentence. Courter is another word that could be used, but I'm not sure it really fits.) See what you think, anyways.
4. I love this description! On the tips of the fingers
of one hand he balanced a delicate silver platter inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The lid that covered it had been carved from brilliant red coral. All the descriptions of the trays and food add nice color to this piece- well done!
5. He flashed the princess a smile of incredibly white teeth (insert a comma after teeth) and removed the lid with a theatrical flourish.
6. Rosaliya speared a small piece on a single tine of a silver fork (comma after fork) and delicately placed it in her mouth. When there's a conjunction, words like and or but, try to insert a comma preceeding the conjunction. I've only just learned this myself.... :-)
"Only one of you wrote ahead to ask what I wanted." - This is a fantastic way to end this story! It wrapes it up beautifully, and doesn't leave the reader feeling that something is missing!

I absolutely loved this! Very nicely done!

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Thanks for volunteering to step in as another editor. Glad you enjoyed the story! I'll be sure to go over this again and fill in some of the missing commas and tweak the problem words. Regarding #2, though, I don't mention what Olivia's husband looks like because it's setup for this line in the second half: "At least none of them had eyebrows the size of sausages." People's reactions to that joke seem to be mixed, though, so maybe I'll take a look at that again. Thanks again for the edit!

[pipisafoat]

Hi, sorry for the super-late response, but I'm the other assigned editor. Feel free to whap me with a trout for taking so long. Overall, I loved this piece - it was a bit predictable and cliché, but it was just good. I was just telling desert_rose that I think we need to show it to everybody we meet; it just might improve the life of their friends and significant others...

On with the specific edit. As always, this is all just suggestions, and feel free to ask any questions you may have.

She had visited other lands for diplomatic ceremonies, weddings, and other courtly matters, and but she had always found herself looking forward to returning home. "Returning home" feels somewhat redundant.
Everywhere else she went, she felt like someone playing a part.

In the old days, she might have at least had a chance to meet with them and come to a decision after some thought, but as her father slipped further into madness, his decrees were becoming became more and more bizarre.

For Rosaliya, he had proclaimed that each of her suitors should bring some fine meal to offer her so that she might make her choice of where she would live based on where the food was the best.
Rosaliya had been less than thrilled by this news but considered that she was herself luckier than her older sister Olivia, who had been married to the suitor who had with the thickest eyebrows.

The maid would not dare to be so presumptuous as to ask what was in the message, but Rosaliya could see that she desperately wanted to do so anyway know.
"It was about the ceremony," she said and smiled again.

There were more than a dozen of them, each dressed in the finery of their native lands. Removing "each" there eliminates redundancy with the next sentence.
The meals had all been prepared in the castle's kitchens from ingredients the suitors brought with them by cooks they had also brought with them their own cooks.

The first man was dressed in a fine doublet of deep blues and greens. "First" is redundant with the last sentence of the preceding paragraph.

"My Lady, I bring for you succulent Nightwatch Crab, a or the rarest delicacy of my land, which strays close enough to the shore to be caught for only one hour each night." The second part of this sentence sounds somewhat awkward.

She had to admit that it was delicious.

With precise formality, he lifted the lid.

"My Lady, I offer you the tender meat of the Cloud-Dweller Pheasant, which roosts in the tallest trees of my land."

This, too, the princess sampled with her silver fork.

And So it went, on and on, each suitor in their finery presenting her with rare delicacies of their lands presented on fancy trays.

His clothes were neat and clean but not particularly elegant.

"My Lady, I bring you this," he said, and lifted lifting the lid from his tray. You could also join this to the rest of the quote by putting a comma after "tray" and not capitalizing "an". Grammatically, that would remove the fragment, but it would also sound a little bit better stylistically, at least to me.

One, whose face was turning an alarming shade of red, sharply gestured sharply to his offering.

If you don't spear it precisely through the heart, they explode.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Hey, no problem on the delay. I do seem to suffer from some sort of curse that strikes out at my editors and mucks up their lives so they don't have time to edit. It's gotten to the point that I feel sorry for the people who get assigned to me. It also means that I count myself lucky to have even one edit before I submit the next week's entry. = ) But seriously, I'm always happy to get the feedback, and it's not really that time-critical. I appreciate your time whenever it happens to be that you can spare it.

Anyway, sorry to hear you thought the story was a bit cliché, but glad you enjoyed it anyway! I see that I once again totally failed on my comma usage. = P In my defense I'd just like to say that I wrote this one at the last minute after being forced to abandon my original idea, and I didn't really have to time to self-edit like I should have. It's a lame excuse, but it's still true.

When I get home from my crazy weekend I'll be sure to go over the story and fix up the grammatical problems and sift through everyone's suggestions on the other bits that need work. Thanks again for the edits!