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Total Mental Collapse Coming Soon!
Jul. 3rd, 2005 04:22 amIn a few short days, I will turn 30. This is a source of great distress to me, because it's one of those highly significant milestones in life, and I feel that my life isn't really where it should be for Age 30. I feel that I should either be further along my art, or I should have settled for it being just a hobby and gotten a "real job." Or, perhaps I should have devoted more effort to writing. I'm quite pround of some of The Ninth Source, and wish that I'd spent more time in the last few months finishing it. And why the hell haven't I put the finishing touches on my boardgame and submitted it to game companies? What am I doing with my life?
Very recently, I started writing a story, and then decided to make several illustrations for it. Then I decided to make it a fully illustrated, nearly comic book-like production. Now the project as become such a massive undertaking that I'm somewhat reluctant to work on it. This is bad. I could aim lower and actually get it done in a few weeks, but that almost feels like giving up or slacking off. But at least I'd have something.
If I worried less about the future and what will happen if I "fail" as an artist, writer, or both, I could probably create more and better art. However, I don't want to go too far, and not worry about it at all. That would be worse.
It isn't helping that this year seems to be extra crazy around my birthday. I've spent so much time trying to figure out when I'll be where and doing what this last week that I just wish the whole thing were over already. Am I going to the town 4th of July parade (held on the 2nd this year)? Am I going to the art show? Am I going to the fireworks? When should we make my cake? Will I be home at all on my birthday? When can I be available to go shopping for a present? A couple of different people asked me if I planned or wanted a party, and the answer is no, I don't think that I do. I'm not really much of a party person in the first place, and I certainly don't need the stress of trying to plan one on top of everything else.
So, anyway, I'll be turning 30...unless I go with the plan that I had last year after I turned 29, which would be to just turn 29 again the next year. That's seeming like a pretty good idea right now.
Very recently, I started writing a story, and then decided to make several illustrations for it. Then I decided to make it a fully illustrated, nearly comic book-like production. Now the project as become such a massive undertaking that I'm somewhat reluctant to work on it. This is bad. I could aim lower and actually get it done in a few weeks, but that almost feels like giving up or slacking off. But at least I'd have something.
If I worried less about the future and what will happen if I "fail" as an artist, writer, or both, I could probably create more and better art. However, I don't want to go too far, and not worry about it at all. That would be worse.
It isn't helping that this year seems to be extra crazy around my birthday. I've spent so much time trying to figure out when I'll be where and doing what this last week that I just wish the whole thing were over already. Am I going to the town 4th of July parade (held on the 2nd this year)? Am I going to the art show? Am I going to the fireworks? When should we make my cake? Will I be home at all on my birthday? When can I be available to go shopping for a present? A couple of different people asked me if I planned or wanted a party, and the answer is no, I don't think that I do. I'm not really much of a party person in the first place, and I certainly don't need the stress of trying to plan one on top of everything else.
So, anyway, I'll be turning 30...unless I go with the plan that I had last year after I turned 29, which would be to just turn 29 again the next year. That's seeming like a pretty good idea right now.
