fiction - brigits_flame - splice

[hwango]

Villford Community Newsletter, May Edition
3-32 2-21 4-49 2-21 3-23 4-51 2-18 4-43 3-53

Welcome to the latest issue of the Villford Community Newsletter! As always, I'd like to start by thanking Doctor Impossible for permitting the free press to continue, for preserving local self-government, and of course for sparing the human race. All hail Doctor Impossible!

This latest month under the New World Order of Doctor Impossible has brought new changes and challenges, but our community endures and continues to adapt to our ever-changing world. Keep your registry of Doctor Impossible’s latest modifications to local plants and animals up to date, never travel alone, and everything will be fine.

Of particular note, a new coyote/lizard hybrid was recently spotted by the old Carson Street Bridge. Witnesses report that they seemed to be hunting the local rabbits, and there is some hope that they were created specifically to deal with the infestation. If the coyotes get enough of them before they are ready to spin their cocoons perhaps we can avoid another swarm like last year’s.

Also, many new species of bird now serve as Doctor Impossible’s eyes and ears. Be sure to set up a feeder in your yard and keep plenty of bird seed on hand to keep it well stocked. Failing to do so may be seen as a sign of resistance – better safe than sorry!

June Activity Calendar

June 2, 9, 16, 23, and 30th : 1 PM - 3 PM : Doctor Impossible loyalty rally at the town square.
June 5 : Noon : Unveiling of our town’s new Loyalty Statue.
June 6, 13, 20, 27 : 7 PM – 10 PM : Quilter’s Club meeting at the public library.

Word Jumbles

CADNNAAO

ISQDU

PEANUIT

HELNIC

Answers to last month’s jumbles:

TARANTULA

PORPOISE

RHODODENDRON

DANAUS PLEXIPPUS

This month’s recipe: Modern Potato Salad

Ingredients:

3 pounds of small white potatoes
salt
1 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup buttermilk
4 tablespoons mustard
1/2 cup chopped fresh dill
ground black pepper
2-3 stalks of celery
several red onions

First, remove the poisonous quills from your potatoes. I recommend that you wear thick gloves when you do this, and to twist and pull each quill individually. It takes more time, but it gives you the best chance of not leaving any poison in the potato. Soak the potatoes in warm water for 10-15 minutes. Then take a heavy mallet and give each potato a good hard whack to crack the shell. Peel off the shells and discard them along with the quills.

Note: if you have the hive's queen potato, set it aside for use in another recipe. Preparing one to eat is far beyond the scope of a simple dish like potato salad.

Place the potatoes and 2 tablespoons of salt in a large pot of water. Bring the water to a full boil, then reduce heat and let simmer until the potatoes stop screaming. Then allow them to cook for an additional 10 minutes. If you can't bear the screaming, and aren't as picky about the consistency of your potato, you can wear earplugs and just let them simmer for 20 minutes. Afterwards, place the potatoes in a colander to drain.

While the potatoes drain, whisk the mayonnaise, mustard, dill, buttermilk, a teaspoon of salt, and a teaspoon of pepper together in a small bowl to make the dressing. Set aside.

Place your onions in a large bowl of water with half a teaspoon of salt to soak for at least 10 minutes. If you prefer your onions to still be bioluminescent when you eat them you can skip this step, but I'm still finding it hard to adjust to glowing food. Eventually, chop your onions.

Use a sharp knife to remove the legs from your celery stalks. Chop the celery into thin slices, no more than a quarter inch thickness. This makes it easier to spot the segment containing the celery stalk's brain, which should be discarded.

By now the potatoes should be ready to work with again. Cut each potato in half, checking for pearls, and then into quarters if the segments are still too large. Place the potato segments in a large bowl and add dressing. Add the celery and onion, then toss, cover, and refrigerate for a few hours. Serve cold. Enjoy!

Comments

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

GAAAaahhhhh Potatos that scream... aaah OH DON'T!!! oh lordy... and my favourite other food luminescent ONIONS! and oh don't Hwango.. gahhhhh I'm right off my lunch!

And I bought some sticks of celery on Saturday too. Oh lord. THAT IS HORRID I might have eaten the brain!!! .... how can I make my Waldorf Salad now???

Hwango. I love you, and its a lovely lovely Newsletter, but.... oh dear I wish I headn't read after the recipe.... I feel quite ill.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Now, now, there's really nothing to worry about. Unless Doctor Impossible has conquered your part of the world and spliced everything with everything else you should be able to enjoy brain-free celery, non-luminescent onions, and completely silent potatoes.

...but do make sure you remove the poisonous quills.

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

You swine.... I really AM looking sideways at my potatoes this morning. SERIOUSLY! Such a convincing writer, and I think the Doctor has moved in about last June ... a year ago?

Is it safe to eat my strawberries now? IF I kill the poison with LOTS of thick pouring cream, and sugar?????

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Not even an evil genius would dare tamper with strawberries. Those, at least, are safe.

[cedarwolfsinger.livejournal.com]

Hwango, you do creepy so very well. This is awful -- but so well written awful, if you know what I mean. With Monsanto and GMOs in the news -- the interesting vegetables are certainly timely.... **SHUDDER**

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Ha, ha - it's good that it's awful! = ) As I was writing it I felt like each new idea was more horrible than the last. Once I hit the "queen potato" I knew it was time to stop.

[little-grey-owl.livejournal.com]

I love your worldbuilding (and Doctor Impossible's, for that matter)! All those creatures are awful and fascinating at the same time.

I may have been hungry before reading the recipe, but now I no longer am. I wouldn't even mind the bioluminescence, but I do prefer my veggies silent and brainless. ;)

[hwango.livejournal.com]

I put "disturbing imagery" in the warning field, but now I feel like I should have put a disclaimer at the front of the piece saying that it would ruin potato salad forever. = )

I have to admit, glowing food does sound kind of awesome.

[little-grey-owl.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, not permanent harm done! I ate potatoes today, if perhaps a little more cautiously than usual. ;)

Glowing food just sounds like one of those (perhaps slightly unhealthy) foods they try to sell to kids.