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hwangoThe second thing Ernst noticed was that he was surrounded by monsters. The first thing Ernst noticed was that he was experiencing events out of sequence. Then an invisible force snatched him right out of his chair and dumped him into some kind of terrible nightmare world. Wait, that can't be right.
"There, see? Everything is happening in order now," said a waterfall of eyeballs flowing in reverse. "Don't worry, the flow of time should reorient momentarily. Whoops, almost."
Yes...okay, things seemed to be happening in the correct order now. That was reassuring. With that issue apparently resolved, Ernst took a moment to let his surroundings really sink in. Well. It had been hyperbole to say that he was "surrounded by monsters," as there were only five monsters and they were all arranged in front of him or off to one side. They were terrifying, though. Or at least, it seemed as if they ought to be. Especially that thing made of teeth.
"Why am I not panicking?" Ernst asked calmly. "This has to be the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me."
"Well, you'd be pretty useless to us if you were just screaming the whole time!" said the waterfall of eyeballs cheerfully. Ernst noted that it was still flowing in reverse even now that time was working the way it was supposed to. "We decided it was better if you didn't freak out too much."
"Easy as that, eh?" Ernst asked.
"Ernst, please, we pulled you here from another dimension with only trivial damage to the space-time continuum. Compared to that, a little minor brain chemistry is simplicity itself."
"Back up, you what now to the what?" Ernst said, but the waterfall of eyeballs ignored him.
"Now, I'm going to show you three different paper-thin slices of granite, and I want you to tell me which of them seems the most trustworthy."
"Wait, wait, wait," Ernst interrupted. "What exactly is going on? Where am I?"
"If you evaluate the granite, I'll explain," offered the waterfall of eyeballs.
"No, explanation first, granite second," Ernst demanded. With his fear out of commission it seemed his stubbornness had free rein. One cannot stare down a waterfall of eyeballs, but Ernst gave it his best shot.
"Hah, look at that drive to know the truth! Wonderful!" The waterfall of eyeballs seemed very pleased. "Well, the situation is this: we need you to adjudicate a dispute. As an uninterested fourth party (there are three entities involved in the dispute), you are ideally suited to render an impartial verdict, and so we have borrowed you from your lovely little dimension for just a bit." Well, that sounded like it should be very alarming, but Ernst just nodded.
"Okay, but why me?" asked Ernst.
"You have been chosen because of your peerless intellect, ironclad integrity, and unerring sense for untruths."
"There's no way that's true," said Ernst.
"See! You'll be great at this," the waterfall of eyeballs beamed with approval. "Actually, you were just the easiest to catch. Now, the granite, if you please." Ernst studied them dutifully. They all looked pretty much the same. Also, he had no idea what he was supposed to be looking for.
"They all seem equally trustworthy?" Ernst hazarded.
"Wonderful! Totally unbiased! But in case you're curious, it was the third one."
"Uh," said Ernst.
"Now, let's get on with the matter at hand before your electrons start to decay," said the waterfall of eyeballs. "Arrayed before you are our disputants. There's Rendjaws the Devourer," a tentacled, corkscrew-shaped thing hovering in the air rotated end over end several times, "No Words Can Describe This," at which point one of the other things did something, "and Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven," whereupon the thing made of teeth vibrated for a moment, creating the most appalling sound Ernst had ever heard.
"Who is that?" asked Ernst, gesturing to the fifth entity in the room, "and for that matter, who are you?"
"Well, I'm a waterfall of eyeballs flowing in reverse," said the waterfall of eyeballs, "and that over there is Alice. Alice is not involved in this dispute, and Alice's role here is purely ceremonial. Or, Alice is the advocate for No Words Can Describe This. Or, possibly, Alice is waiting to deconstruct this universe if you render an unsatisfactory verdict. No one is really sure, but we'll all find out together!"
"Ah," said Ernst.
"Now, I'm going to stop mucking with your brain chemistry so no one can claim that I had undue influence over you during the proceedings. You should have become accustomed to your situation enough by now not to devolve into a screaming pile of goo. And let's hope I'm right, because that's not a metaphor."
Ernst suddenly felt terrified beyond imagining, but managed to keep it together. Literally, as it were.
"Aaaaaaaaargh. Ahaha. Ha," Ernst eloquently expressed himself. He tried very hard not to look at anything. "Okay. Okay, let's get this over with. What's the dispute I'm here about?"
"Well, Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven claims that Rendjaws the Devourer has stolen its name," said the waterfall of eyeballs. Ernst was forced to admit that this seemed entirely plausible, since Rendjaws the Devourer did not appear to possess any jaws, while Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven was nothing but teeth and seemed very...devour-y. Ernst strove to keep an open mind, however, and reserved judgment for the moment. Who was to say these things needed to have names that described them, after all? Maybe he could test that theory by trying to think of a word to describe No Words Can Describe This...nope, nothing. Well, that didn't prove anything.
The waterfall of eyeballs continued. "Rendjaws the Devourer claims that Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven was legally annihilated by No Words Can Describe This, and the name was fair salvage since No Words Can Describe This had no way of using it. No Words Can Describe This claims something." Ernst waited for the waterfall of eyeballs to elaborate, then realized that this was unlikely. "Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven also claims that it has not been legally annihilated, and in fact continues to exist, and thus its previous name was not valid salvage at all. Furthermore, it claims something about No Words Can Describe This."
"I see," said Ernst. "Is anyone disputing that Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven used to be called Rendjaws the Devourer?"
"No," said the waterfall of eyeballs. "Well, Alice might be. Alice, are you disputing that?"
Ernst felt his bones grinding together for a moment.
"Well, there's no need to be rude about it!" said the waterfall of eyeballs. "No," said the waterfall of eyeballs to Ernst, translating helpfully. "Alice is not disputing that."
"Does anyone have any evidence they wish to submit?"
"What a charming notion! Let's see!" said the waterfall of eyeballs with obvious enthusiasm.
Rendjaws the Devourer submitted an ancient religion with its version of events as part of the religion's creation myth.
Unnamed Entity Forth-Seven submitted a forest of trees hundreds of feet tall that had all been carefully shaped and pruned to support its version of events.
No Words Can Describe This submitted a solid gold statue that depicted Ernst being torn apart by eels.
"Is this a bribe or a threat?" Ernst asked.
"Probably!" said the waterfall of eyeballs, unhelpfully.
"I see," said Ernst. He considered the evidence and...whatever the statue was for a few moments. "Tell me, what does the third slice of granite think about all of this?" Supposedly it was trustworthy, so it might be worth hearing what it thought about all of this.
"Oh, it's not allowed to testify due to a conflict of interest," said the waterfall of eyeballs.
"Ah," said Ernst. "Well, I see no evidence supporting the idea that Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven has been annihilated by anyone, legally or otherwise. In fact...as to the issue of a possible crime against Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven, I find that No Words Can Describe This could be described as...innocent."
Shocked gasps, rattling teeth, and pulsating lights filled the...was this even a room?
"Clearly, No Words Can Describe This is not what it claims at all!" Ernst said accusingly, "and so I also describe it as guilty! Of something! I don't know what! But I rule that the name Rendjaws the Devourer rightfully belongs to Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven, and that No Words Can Describe This should be stripped of its name and be branded Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven! As for the current Rendjaws the Devourer, it should be forced to take a name chosen by the forthcoming Rendjaws the Devourer."
"Oh, you don't have the authority to issue sentences, but those are some fine ideas, and kudos for really getting into the spirit here. I'm going to take extra care to make sure you still have all of your limbs when you get back to your universe. Do you want your threat/bribe effigy?"
"I'm afraid that due to my ironclad integrity I cannot accept it," Ernst said. He absolutely did not want to take home a souvenir that would serve as proof that any of this really happened.
"So noble! Well, Alice hasn't objected or deconstructed the universe, so it's either bad at its job, you made an acceptable ruling, or its presence is purely ceremonial after all. The mystery persists! It was lovely meeting you, have fun in your home dimension."
Ernst found himself sprawled on the floor in front of his chair. Hastily, he checked to make sure that he still had all of his limbs.
"Aargh!" he screamed when he looked around and saw the gold statue of himself. "I said I didn't want that!" But, on further inspection, it turned out this was an entirely different statue of him being reassembled by eels, and it had the words Thank you for you service engraved on the base. So that was better.
Sort of.
"There, see? Everything is happening in order now," said a waterfall of eyeballs flowing in reverse. "Don't worry, the flow of time should reorient momentarily. Whoops, almost."
Yes...okay, things seemed to be happening in the correct order now. That was reassuring. With that issue apparently resolved, Ernst took a moment to let his surroundings really sink in. Well. It had been hyperbole to say that he was "surrounded by monsters," as there were only five monsters and they were all arranged in front of him or off to one side. They were terrifying, though. Or at least, it seemed as if they ought to be. Especially that thing made of teeth.
"Why am I not panicking?" Ernst asked calmly. "This has to be the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me."
"Well, you'd be pretty useless to us if you were just screaming the whole time!" said the waterfall of eyeballs cheerfully. Ernst noted that it was still flowing in reverse even now that time was working the way it was supposed to. "We decided it was better if you didn't freak out too much."
"Easy as that, eh?" Ernst asked.
"Ernst, please, we pulled you here from another dimension with only trivial damage to the space-time continuum. Compared to that, a little minor brain chemistry is simplicity itself."
"Back up, you what now to the what?" Ernst said, but the waterfall of eyeballs ignored him.
"Now, I'm going to show you three different paper-thin slices of granite, and I want you to tell me which of them seems the most trustworthy."
"Wait, wait, wait," Ernst interrupted. "What exactly is going on? Where am I?"
"If you evaluate the granite, I'll explain," offered the waterfall of eyeballs.
"No, explanation first, granite second," Ernst demanded. With his fear out of commission it seemed his stubbornness had free rein. One cannot stare down a waterfall of eyeballs, but Ernst gave it his best shot.
"Hah, look at that drive to know the truth! Wonderful!" The waterfall of eyeballs seemed very pleased. "Well, the situation is this: we need you to adjudicate a dispute. As an uninterested fourth party (there are three entities involved in the dispute), you are ideally suited to render an impartial verdict, and so we have borrowed you from your lovely little dimension for just a bit." Well, that sounded like it should be very alarming, but Ernst just nodded.
"Okay, but why me?" asked Ernst.
"You have been chosen because of your peerless intellect, ironclad integrity, and unerring sense for untruths."
"There's no way that's true," said Ernst.
"See! You'll be great at this," the waterfall of eyeballs beamed with approval. "Actually, you were just the easiest to catch. Now, the granite, if you please." Ernst studied them dutifully. They all looked pretty much the same. Also, he had no idea what he was supposed to be looking for.
"They all seem equally trustworthy?" Ernst hazarded.
"Wonderful! Totally unbiased! But in case you're curious, it was the third one."
"Uh," said Ernst.
"Now, let's get on with the matter at hand before your electrons start to decay," said the waterfall of eyeballs. "Arrayed before you are our disputants. There's Rendjaws the Devourer," a tentacled, corkscrew-shaped thing hovering in the air rotated end over end several times, "No Words Can Describe This," at which point one of the other things did something, "and Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven," whereupon the thing made of teeth vibrated for a moment, creating the most appalling sound Ernst had ever heard.
"Who is that?" asked Ernst, gesturing to the fifth entity in the room, "and for that matter, who are you?"
"Well, I'm a waterfall of eyeballs flowing in reverse," said the waterfall of eyeballs, "and that over there is Alice. Alice is not involved in this dispute, and Alice's role here is purely ceremonial. Or, Alice is the advocate for No Words Can Describe This. Or, possibly, Alice is waiting to deconstruct this universe if you render an unsatisfactory verdict. No one is really sure, but we'll all find out together!"
"Ah," said Ernst.
"Now, I'm going to stop mucking with your brain chemistry so no one can claim that I had undue influence over you during the proceedings. You should have become accustomed to your situation enough by now not to devolve into a screaming pile of goo. And let's hope I'm right, because that's not a metaphor."
Ernst suddenly felt terrified beyond imagining, but managed to keep it together. Literally, as it were.
"Aaaaaaaaargh. Ahaha. Ha," Ernst eloquently expressed himself. He tried very hard not to look at anything. "Okay. Okay, let's get this over with. What's the dispute I'm here about?"
"Well, Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven claims that Rendjaws the Devourer has stolen its name," said the waterfall of eyeballs. Ernst was forced to admit that this seemed entirely plausible, since Rendjaws the Devourer did not appear to possess any jaws, while Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven was nothing but teeth and seemed very...devour-y. Ernst strove to keep an open mind, however, and reserved judgment for the moment. Who was to say these things needed to have names that described them, after all? Maybe he could test that theory by trying to think of a word to describe No Words Can Describe This...nope, nothing. Well, that didn't prove anything.
The waterfall of eyeballs continued. "Rendjaws the Devourer claims that Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven was legally annihilated by No Words Can Describe This, and the name was fair salvage since No Words Can Describe This had no way of using it. No Words Can Describe This claims something." Ernst waited for the waterfall of eyeballs to elaborate, then realized that this was unlikely. "Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven also claims that it has not been legally annihilated, and in fact continues to exist, and thus its previous name was not valid salvage at all. Furthermore, it claims something about No Words Can Describe This."
"I see," said Ernst. "Is anyone disputing that Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven used to be called Rendjaws the Devourer?"
"No," said the waterfall of eyeballs. "Well, Alice might be. Alice, are you disputing that?"
Ernst felt his bones grinding together for a moment.
"Well, there's no need to be rude about it!" said the waterfall of eyeballs. "No," said the waterfall of eyeballs to Ernst, translating helpfully. "Alice is not disputing that."
"Does anyone have any evidence they wish to submit?"
"What a charming notion! Let's see!" said the waterfall of eyeballs with obvious enthusiasm.
Rendjaws the Devourer submitted an ancient religion with its version of events as part of the religion's creation myth.
Unnamed Entity Forth-Seven submitted a forest of trees hundreds of feet tall that had all been carefully shaped and pruned to support its version of events.
No Words Can Describe This submitted a solid gold statue that depicted Ernst being torn apart by eels.
"Is this a bribe or a threat?" Ernst asked.
"Probably!" said the waterfall of eyeballs, unhelpfully.
"I see," said Ernst. He considered the evidence and...whatever the statue was for a few moments. "Tell me, what does the third slice of granite think about all of this?" Supposedly it was trustworthy, so it might be worth hearing what it thought about all of this.
"Oh, it's not allowed to testify due to a conflict of interest," said the waterfall of eyeballs.
"Ah," said Ernst. "Well, I see no evidence supporting the idea that Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven has been annihilated by anyone, legally or otherwise. In fact...as to the issue of a possible crime against Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven, I find that No Words Can Describe This could be described as...innocent."
Shocked gasps, rattling teeth, and pulsating lights filled the...was this even a room?
"Clearly, No Words Can Describe This is not what it claims at all!" Ernst said accusingly, "and so I also describe it as guilty! Of something! I don't know what! But I rule that the name Rendjaws the Devourer rightfully belongs to Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven, and that No Words Can Describe This should be stripped of its name and be branded Unnamed Entity Forty-Seven! As for the current Rendjaws the Devourer, it should be forced to take a name chosen by the forthcoming Rendjaws the Devourer."
"Oh, you don't have the authority to issue sentences, but those are some fine ideas, and kudos for really getting into the spirit here. I'm going to take extra care to make sure you still have all of your limbs when you get back to your universe. Do you want your threat/bribe effigy?"
"I'm afraid that due to my ironclad integrity I cannot accept it," Ernst said. He absolutely did not want to take home a souvenir that would serve as proof that any of this really happened.
"So noble! Well, Alice hasn't objected or deconstructed the universe, so it's either bad at its job, you made an acceptable ruling, or its presence is purely ceremonial after all. The mystery persists! It was lovely meeting you, have fun in your home dimension."
Ernst found himself sprawled on the floor in front of his chair. Hastily, he checked to make sure that he still had all of his limbs.
"Aargh!" he screamed when he looked around and saw the gold statue of himself. "I said I didn't want that!" But, on further inspection, it turned out this was an entirely different statue of him being reassembled by eels, and it had the words Thank you for you service engraved on the base. So that was better.
Sort of.
