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LJIdol 3 Strikes - Week 9 - All Hat, No Cattle
Hello, children. Why yes, this _is_ a silly-looking hat. But the sun is very bright today, and this silly-looking hat is keeping the worst of the sun out of my eyes and helping me avoid a terrible sunburn, so I will happily accept your ridicule in exchange for its benefits. Well, not _happily_, but I'll accept it. Hmm, actually, that reminds me of a story.
Our tale begins with a mysterious old enchanter who was desperate to acquire some meat to feed to the nightmarish horror that lived in his basement. As many of you children who live in a house with a basement already know, they are often home to terrible, bloodthirsty monsters. The enchanter's monster was especially horrific - whoops, that is to say, the enchanter's horror was especially monstrous - and he feared what would happen if it grew so hungry that it went mad and broke loose and rampaged across the countryside. He grew so desperate, in fact, that ultimately he traded three magic beans to a young man for an elderly cow.
You are no doubt aware of the unfortunate consequences of this transaction. A giant? Well, yes, the greedy human used the beans to create a magical beanstalk and climb into the clouds, whereupon he then invaded a giant's home, stole his magical possessions, and then murdered him. Obviously that happened, and it was terrible. But I was referring to the devastating effects on the local economy.
The exchange of a single cow for three magic beans set a ridiculous precedent that encouraged poor families all over the region to bring their cows to town in the hope of trading them for magic beans. The surplus of poor-quality cattle meant that not only were those families unable to acquire magic beans in exchange for their cows, but that when they were forced to settle for ordinary currency instead they also ended up with less compensation than they would have before the market was disrupted such as it was. Also, all of these attempts to take advantage of the opportunity to obtain magic beans meant that there was a shortage of cows in the outlying countryside where they would have been more useful, and the entire delicate system of infrastructure on which the region had previously operated all came tumbling down.
It is into this chaotic economic apocalypse that there now arrives a young man by the name of Sven, who had been instructed by his mother, whose name was Grethe, to bring their cow into town and accept no fewer than five magic beans for it, because she was operating on information so tragically out of date that it brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
Well, Sven quickly learned that he wouldn't be bringing home any magic beans, might not be able to find a buyer for his cow at all, and even if he did his mother was sure to be furious at him for how little money he brought back. And so when a mysterious stranger approached him and offered him a magical potato and a grubby old miner's cap in exchange for his cow, Sven leapt at the opportunity.
Sven's mother was, in fact, still angry with him. However, she planted the potato all the same, and they both hoped desperately that they might end up with a potato plant large enough to enable some epic burglary of their own.
Well, what they actually discovered the next morning was the opening to a tunnel right where they’d planted the potato. This at least retroactively explained the old miner's cap that the mysterious stranger had included along with the potato. Grethe secured the cap to Sven’s head, armed him with nothing but a large sack, and sent him off into the depths in search of valuables. She was not going to win any prizes for responsible parenting.
It has been observed that clothes do not make the man, and it must be further stated that a hat alone certainly doesn't. Sven's hat did not make him an experienced miner, spelunker, or monster-hunting adventurer, and he was still just a somewhat befuddled young person who had never been underground before and was now wandering down a magical tunnel because his mother told him to. It was very dark and claustrophobic and soon Sven was bitterly envious of a certain someone who got to climb a beanstalk out in the sunlight and the fresh air.
Sven was supposed to be searching for riches, but all he found were some dribbly rock formations, eerily-glowing fungi, and some rather amateurish cave paintings, none of which qualified as riches as far as Sven was concerned. Sven wasn’t sure what sorts of animals usually lived in caves, but he was fairly certain he shouldn’t expect to find a goose that laid golden eggs down there.
And Sven was absolutely correct in this, and in fact the only animal he did see was some sort of albino cave platypus, which should have been just as surprising if he’d had any kind of decent education at all. It did appear to lay golden eggs, but on closer inspection they turned out to be only fool’s gold. Sven was just deciding that this magical cave was a serious disappointment if not an actual fraud, and hardly worth an elderly cow at all, when he suddenly fell victim to the the cave’s other inhabitant, which you have probably already guessed was a dragon, but was actually a bear wearing a dragon costume because it really was a rather disappointing magical cave after all.
Meanwhile, up on the surface, Grethe was busily planning how to spend all of the untold riches she was hoping Sven would bring back with him when she too was suddenly devoured, though in her case it was by the nightmarish horror that had finally escaped from the enchanter’s basement and which had come looking for the missing pieces of its stolen collection of magical produce, and also some people to eat.
The lesson to be learned here is that everyone suddenly deciding to invest in some stupid alternative currency like magic beans can ruin many lives. That, and don’t keep feeding the horrific thing in your basement, because eventually you will run out of magical produce to trade for meat, and then it will break loose and consume your entire community.
Now, away with all of you. I’m not wearing this hat just for show, and I need to get back to planting if I expect to harvest any platypuses this year. I mean potatoes. Yes. Potatoes.
Our tale begins with a mysterious old enchanter who was desperate to acquire some meat to feed to the nightmarish horror that lived in his basement. As many of you children who live in a house with a basement already know, they are often home to terrible, bloodthirsty monsters. The enchanter's monster was especially horrific - whoops, that is to say, the enchanter's horror was especially monstrous - and he feared what would happen if it grew so hungry that it went mad and broke loose and rampaged across the countryside. He grew so desperate, in fact, that ultimately he traded three magic beans to a young man for an elderly cow.
You are no doubt aware of the unfortunate consequences of this transaction. A giant? Well, yes, the greedy human used the beans to create a magical beanstalk and climb into the clouds, whereupon he then invaded a giant's home, stole his magical possessions, and then murdered him. Obviously that happened, and it was terrible. But I was referring to the devastating effects on the local economy.
The exchange of a single cow for three magic beans set a ridiculous precedent that encouraged poor families all over the region to bring their cows to town in the hope of trading them for magic beans. The surplus of poor-quality cattle meant that not only were those families unable to acquire magic beans in exchange for their cows, but that when they were forced to settle for ordinary currency instead they also ended up with less compensation than they would have before the market was disrupted such as it was. Also, all of these attempts to take advantage of the opportunity to obtain magic beans meant that there was a shortage of cows in the outlying countryside where they would have been more useful, and the entire delicate system of infrastructure on which the region had previously operated all came tumbling down.
It is into this chaotic economic apocalypse that there now arrives a young man by the name of Sven, who had been instructed by his mother, whose name was Grethe, to bring their cow into town and accept no fewer than five magic beans for it, because she was operating on information so tragically out of date that it brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.
Well, Sven quickly learned that he wouldn't be bringing home any magic beans, might not be able to find a buyer for his cow at all, and even if he did his mother was sure to be furious at him for how little money he brought back. And so when a mysterious stranger approached him and offered him a magical potato and a grubby old miner's cap in exchange for his cow, Sven leapt at the opportunity.
Sven's mother was, in fact, still angry with him. However, she planted the potato all the same, and they both hoped desperately that they might end up with a potato plant large enough to enable some epic burglary of their own.
Well, what they actually discovered the next morning was the opening to a tunnel right where they’d planted the potato. This at least retroactively explained the old miner's cap that the mysterious stranger had included along with the potato. Grethe secured the cap to Sven’s head, armed him with nothing but a large sack, and sent him off into the depths in search of valuables. She was not going to win any prizes for responsible parenting.
It has been observed that clothes do not make the man, and it must be further stated that a hat alone certainly doesn't. Sven's hat did not make him an experienced miner, spelunker, or monster-hunting adventurer, and he was still just a somewhat befuddled young person who had never been underground before and was now wandering down a magical tunnel because his mother told him to. It was very dark and claustrophobic and soon Sven was bitterly envious of a certain someone who got to climb a beanstalk out in the sunlight and the fresh air.
Sven was supposed to be searching for riches, but all he found were some dribbly rock formations, eerily-glowing fungi, and some rather amateurish cave paintings, none of which qualified as riches as far as Sven was concerned. Sven wasn’t sure what sorts of animals usually lived in caves, but he was fairly certain he shouldn’t expect to find a goose that laid golden eggs down there.
And Sven was absolutely correct in this, and in fact the only animal he did see was some sort of albino cave platypus, which should have been just as surprising if he’d had any kind of decent education at all. It did appear to lay golden eggs, but on closer inspection they turned out to be only fool’s gold. Sven was just deciding that this magical cave was a serious disappointment if not an actual fraud, and hardly worth an elderly cow at all, when he suddenly fell victim to the the cave’s other inhabitant, which you have probably already guessed was a dragon, but was actually a bear wearing a dragon costume because it really was a rather disappointing magical cave after all.
Meanwhile, up on the surface, Grethe was busily planning how to spend all of the untold riches she was hoping Sven would bring back with him when she too was suddenly devoured, though in her case it was by the nightmarish horror that had finally escaped from the enchanter’s basement and which had come looking for the missing pieces of its stolen collection of magical produce, and also some people to eat.
The lesson to be learned here is that everyone suddenly deciding to invest in some stupid alternative currency like magic beans can ruin many lives. That, and don’t keep feeding the horrific thing in your basement, because eventually you will run out of magical produce to trade for meat, and then it will break loose and consume your entire community.
Now, away with all of you. I’m not wearing this hat just for show, and I need to get back to planting if I expect to harvest any platypuses this year. I mean potatoes. Yes. Potatoes.
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- Erulisse (one L)
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If only Sven had held out for a magic avocado instead I'm sure he could have been eaten by a real dragon.
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But then... the beans actually are magic beans. So the guy wasn't conning him. And suddenly the motives come into question. I like your take on it. ;)
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Thanks for noticing how hard I work to include the prompt! I always want to come up with some weird take on it, but I still want it to be obvious and integral to the story. This time I was especially happy to include it both literally and figuratively, which is always a fun bonus if I can manage to pull it off.
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