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LJidol 3 Strikes - Week 12 - America
Looking out upon our soaring crystal towers, elegant carbon nanotube geodesic domes, and majestic stone step pyramids, it can be easy to forget that the utopia we live in today has a violent, tumultuous history.
From the moment Quetzalcoatl first lifted this land from the depths of the ocean and brought it into the sun, it was a place of beauty and prosperity. Alas, nothing perfect lasts, and one dreadful day Atahualpa said "Columbus" into a mirror three times and summoned him from his prison of fire in the center of the earth.
He swiftly recruited three demon lieutenants, Francisco Pizarro, Starbucks, and Lex Luthor. In the depths of Mordor they raised an army of goblins, orcs, and europeans, and with this they swept across the land like a plague. Also, they brought plagues.
Trees withered. Frogs turned poisonous. The land itself stretched and twisted until it was finally cleft in twain when John Henry dug the Panama Canal through it in a single day with his magic shovel.
Giant stone men called monuments were created, but were all defeated by the giant transforming robot Amazon Prime, who placed their severed heads all in a row as a reminder of his power. Alas, the robot was corrupted in the battle, and his carbon footprints withered the earth wherever he stepped until eventually he donned the Canaveral Cape and used it to fly into space to spare the land further doom.
But things were already really bad. The ice prison that held the polar bears melted, and when they escaped they ate all the bees everywhere, and also even more of the trees, and then there weren't even poison frogs anymore, but just millions upon millions of angry birds.
Eventually, the land grew so weary of bloodshed and cruelty that it was put up for auction and sold to a consortium of superintelligent uplifted lemurs, who fixed everything with their magic lemur powers.
And that's the history of our land and also why lemurs are the best.
From the moment Quetzalcoatl first lifted this land from the depths of the ocean and brought it into the sun, it was a place of beauty and prosperity. Alas, nothing perfect lasts, and one dreadful day Atahualpa said "Columbus" into a mirror three times and summoned him from his prison of fire in the center of the earth.
He swiftly recruited three demon lieutenants, Francisco Pizarro, Starbucks, and Lex Luthor. In the depths of Mordor they raised an army of goblins, orcs, and europeans, and with this they swept across the land like a plague. Also, they brought plagues.
Trees withered. Frogs turned poisonous. The land itself stretched and twisted until it was finally cleft in twain when John Henry dug the Panama Canal through it in a single day with his magic shovel.
Giant stone men called monuments were created, but were all defeated by the giant transforming robot Amazon Prime, who placed their severed heads all in a row as a reminder of his power. Alas, the robot was corrupted in the battle, and his carbon footprints withered the earth wherever he stepped until eventually he donned the Canaveral Cape and used it to fly into space to spare the land further doom.
But things were already really bad. The ice prison that held the polar bears melted, and when they escaped they ate all the bees everywhere, and also even more of the trees, and then there weren't even poison frogs anymore, but just millions upon millions of angry birds.
Eventually, the land grew so weary of bloodshed and cruelty that it was put up for auction and sold to a consortium of superintelligent uplifted lemurs, who fixed everything with their magic lemur powers.
And that's the history of our land and also why lemurs are the best.