(Damn and blast, if LJ eats this comment, I am going to give up and email this to you.)
Great story. Like everyone else is saying, I love the idea behind it, the characters, everything.
In general, you need to watch your commas. Commas go after a conjunction (i.e. and, but) only when there is a complete sentence on both sides of the conjunction, and then it is not optional. I'm just going to list the places in your story where you need to take care of that: He set the kettle back on the stove, and then donned his jacket. Near the top he paused for a moment, and then carefully peered over the edge... He'd been expecting some kind of animal shriek, but was satisfied for the moment that they'd prompted... He nearly ripped over his own safety line, and paused for a few precious seconds to unhook it from his belt. ... he could see ripples in the mud moving away, and decided that whatever had been holding them in place had probably gone. Devon looked around for the professors to make sure he hadn't lost either of them, and spotted them both looking sadly at something on the deck. Devon was about to respond to this, but paused when he realized the nature of the conversation he was being drawn into, and the still very present danger around them. both commas here He swallowed his original reply, and instead said...
More on commas: When one person is addressing another, the name or phrase referring to that person needs to be set off by a comma: "Good heavens, man..." "Don't be silly, my boy..."
So, editing, from the top: bold to add, strikethrough to subtract, italics to comment.
With the aid of some rather undignified gyrations, he managed to avoid scalding himself with boiling water...
"Good heavens man, what are you doing up there!" I would make that a question mark
"Well," said Professor Rueben,"there was the one from when that ridge collapsed out from under us..." Because the sentence is continuing from the "well", "there" should not be capitalized.
This is just a formatting note that I find useful: when you have "..." sometimes it ends up going onto the next line unless you put a space after that before the next word. Random, but possibly useful!
He inclined his head towards the ladder as he said this last. This last what? Because "last" is not a noun, it isn't particularly good grammar to end the sentence with it.
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Date: 2008-09-19 07:11 pm (UTC)Great story. Like everyone else is saying, I love the idea behind it, the characters, everything.
In general, you need to watch your commas. Commas go after a conjunction (i.e. and, but) only when there is a complete sentence on both sides of the conjunction, and then it is not optional. I'm just going to list the places in your story where you need to take care of that:
He set the kettle back on the stove, and then donned his jacket.
Near the top he paused for a moment, and then carefully peered over the edge...
He'd been expecting some kind of animal shriek, but was satisfied for the moment that they'd prompted...
He nearly ripped over his own safety line, and paused for a few precious seconds to unhook it from his belt.
... he could see ripples in the mud moving away, and decided that whatever had been holding them in place had probably gone.
Devon looked around for the professors to make sure he hadn't lost either of them, and spotted them both looking sadly at something on the deck.
Devon was about to respond to this, but paused when he realized the nature of the conversation he was being drawn into, and the still very present danger around them. both commas here
He swallowed his original reply, and instead said...
More on commas: When one person is addressing another, the name or phrase referring to that person needs to be set off by a comma:
"Good heavens, man..."
"Don't be silly, my boy..."
So, editing, from the top: bold to add,
strikethroughto subtract, italics to comment.With the aid of some rather undignified gyrations, he managed to avoid scalding himself with boiling water...
"Good heavens man, what are you doing up there!" I would make that a question mark
"Well," said Professor Rueben,"there was the one from when that ridge collapsed out from under us..." Because the sentence is continuing from the "well", "there" should not be capitalized.
This is just a formatting note that I find useful: when you have "..." sometimes it ends up going onto the next line unless you put a space after that before the next word. Random, but possibly useful!
He inclined his head towards the ladder as he said this last. This last what? Because "last" is not a noun, it isn't particularly good grammar to end the sentence with it.
(cont.)