To address your first point, the terrible truth is that next to my computer there is a rip in the fabric of space and time that leads to a dimension full of nothing but commas. They pour in through the hole, and, get, all,,, over,, everything.
Seriously though, I admit that I have a comma problem. I'll definitely go through and make those changes to this story and apply the same guidelines to week #2. I'll try to remember to follow those rules in the future as well. I'm afraid that I've been away from formal writing for so many years now that many of the rules for such things have long since oozed out my ears and escaped.
---He inclined his head towards the ladder as he said this last. This last what? Because "last" is not a noun, it isn't particularly good grammar to end the sentence with it.---
Hmm, that must be a stylistic thing that I picked up from someone. I'll see if I can rework that and break that habit.
---"I need to see just how soft this stuff is, how big a patch of it we've stumbled into, and what exactly it is that we're stuck on." Should it be "stuck in"?---
I see what you mean, but I really did mean "on." Everyone seems to agree that it's mud. Devon is going to see what's IN the mud that the wheel might be caught on. I suppose if I had said "caught on" instead of "stuck on" in the first place there wouldn’t be any confusion.
---It had made Devon nervous. Try to keep your tenses uniform. Now they had hit a patch of soft, deep mud... same problem---
I think you're right that I dropped a "had" from the sentence about hitting the patch of mud, but I was referring to Devon being nervous in the present. I can see how mixing narrative about past events with feelings about them in the present makes for some awkward reading, though. I'll see if I can come up with a solution to that problem.
Thanks again for the thorough edit and for your suggestions, and I'm glad it was fun to read.
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Date: 2008-09-19 11:43 pm (UTC)To address your first point, the terrible truth is that next to my computer there is a rip in the fabric of space and time that leads to a dimension full of nothing but commas. They pour in through the hole, and, get, all,,, over,, everything.
Seriously though, I admit that I have a comma problem. I'll definitely go through and make those changes to this story and apply the same guidelines to week #2. I'll try to remember to follow those rules in the future as well. I'm afraid that I've been away from formal writing for so many years now that many of the rules for such things have long since oozed out my ears and escaped.
---He inclined his head towards the ladder as he said this last. This last what? Because "last" is not a noun, it isn't particularly good grammar to end the sentence with it.---
Hmm, that must be a stylistic thing that I picked up from someone. I'll see if I can rework that and break that habit.
---"I need to see just how soft this stuff is, how big a patch of it we've stumbled into, and what exactly it is that we're stuck on." Should it be "stuck in"?---
I see what you mean, but I really did mean "on." Everyone seems to agree that it's mud. Devon is going to see what's IN the mud that the wheel might be caught on. I suppose if I had said "caught on" instead of "stuck on" in the first place there wouldn’t be any confusion.
---It had made Devon nervous. Try to keep your tenses uniform.
Now they had hit a patch of soft, deep mud... same problem---
I think you're right that I dropped a "had" from the sentence about hitting the patch of mud, but I was referring to Devon being nervous in the present. I can see how mixing narrative about past events with feelings about them in the present makes for some awkward reading, though. I'll see if I can come up with a solution to that problem.
Thanks again for the thorough edit and for your suggestions, and I'm glad it was fun to read.