It was possible that the Conveyance could drive right through them without sustaining significantly more damage, but Devon thought that such an act would border on sacrilege. It's already had damage, so much so that only a little bit more would never be noticed.
At first, he thought that Flint was staying close to him in case some new danger presented itself, but then he noticed that Flint wasn't staring up at the tree the whole time, but also seemed to be appreciating the beauty of the amber that surrounded. The amber that surrounded... surrounded what? This technically needs a noun at the end, even if we know what it is surrounding. However, to avoid this and also help reduce wordiness, you could say "the beauty of the surrounding amber."
"No," Devon said, unashamed of his ignorance ofon the subject.
Devon had never been a particularly religious man, but his memory nevertheless summoned up a story that prominently featured a tree and the wrath of God. Since that's, you know, the name of the specific god to which you're referring. It was a silly thought, he knew, but if the tree turned out to bear fruit, Devon nevertheless resolved not to eat any, just in case. It's repetitive (from the first sentence of the paragraph) as well as redundant ("just in case").
Again, if you'd like specific instances of the general mistakes, just let me know - they're pretty much marked on paper, so it would just be a matter of throwing that info onto the computer. If it would help you, it's not a problem at all! I also think there are some more little tiny "Well, this might be a better way to phrase it" sections or "This could be a bit more concise" sections (and looking at the size of my edit, I feel like a hypocrite suggesting conciseness, lol), so I'll be taking another look at that tomorrow if you'd like. Thanks for putting up with this ridiculously long edit (I really need to work on making them shorter in the future); I hope it helps you! I love reading your work, and I love editing it even more - it's already so good!
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Edit! (last part)
Date: 2008-10-13 02:31 am (UTC)At first, he thought that Flint was staying close to him in case some new danger presented itself, but then he noticed that Flint wasn't staring up at the tree the whole time, but also seemed to be appreciating the beauty of the amber that surrounded. The amber that surrounded... surrounded what? This technically needs a noun at the end, even if we know what it is surrounding. However, to avoid this and also help reduce wordiness, you could say "the beauty of the surrounding amber."
"No," Devon said, unashamed of his ignorance
ofon the subject.Devon had never been a particularly religious man, but his memory nevertheless summoned up a story that prominently featured a tree and the wrath of God. Since that's, you know, the name of the specific god to which you're referring.
It was a silly thought, he knew, but if the tree turned out to bear fruit, Devon
neverthelessresolved not to eat any, just in case. It's repetitive (from the first sentence of the paragraph) as well as redundant ("just in case").Again, if you'd like specific instances of the general mistakes, just let me know - they're pretty much marked on paper, so it would just be a matter of throwing that info onto the computer. If it would help you, it's not a problem at all! I also think there are some more little tiny "Well, this might be a better way to phrase it" sections or "This could be a bit more concise" sections (and looking at the size of my edit, I feel like a hypocrite suggesting conciseness, lol), so I'll be taking another look at that tomorrow if you'd like. Thanks for putting up with this ridiculously long edit (I really need to work on making them shorter in the future); I hope it helps you! I love reading your work, and I love editing it even more - it's already so good!