fiction - brigits_flame - limelight
Nov. 22nd, 2008 12:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwangoThis is my entry for the writing activity on the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
brigits_flame community. The prompt for this week was "limelight."
Most visitors to the court did not notice Orloff. Those few who did see him often thought that he must be a bitter, jealous man. After all, he spent his days surrounded by wealth and power, though he had none for himself. Orloff thought those people were idiots.
It was true that Orloff's quarters were small and plain. However, the only time that Orloff spent in them was time that he was asleep. It was also true that Orloff wore neither gold nor gems. However, Orloff did not spend his days looking into mirrors. If Orloff really wanted to look at pretty things he could do it all day at court. The fact that the diamonds and gold were not his did not make them any less beautiful.
It was true to that Orloff did not sit on a throne, but he did stand behind one. Orloff's voice was seldom heard, but when Orloff did speak, it was almost always to the king, and the king listened to what he said. At court, everyone looked at the king. That was the way Orloff liked it, because it meant that no one was looking at him.
One night at dinner, the king died. His face turned the most horrible shade of green, and his neck swelled grotesquely. He tried to speak, but managed only strangled gasps. His eyes bulged and he collapsed onto the table. Within seconds, the prince was giving orders. His first command was to have the royal food-tasters executed, since the king had so obviously been killed by poison. Orloff thought it was a rather amateurish bit of misdirection, but it seemed to work on everyone else in the room. Orloff assumed that the prince had used a two-part poison, or perhaps he had just used a needle concealed somewhere on his person.
Once the corpses of the poor food-tasters had been dragged away, the prince made a short speech about the need to have his coronation performed soon so there would be a smooth transition of power. Orloff inwardly winced at every flowery turn of phrase. These things should sound spontaneous if they were going to be credible. One didn't compose a speech about assuming power just in case someone else murdered the king, after all. The prince finished his speech with a smile, which he hastily tried to replace with a look of mournful sadness over the tragic death of his father.
After a calculated moment of respectful silence, Orloff said that he would make arrangements for the coronation. This was one of the rare moments when it was necessary to draw attention to oneself. Orloff must immediately present himself as someone useful. The prince, like so many men before him, was used to giving orders and then seeing them carried out. He had no idea who actually did what or how a government really functioned. Now he would see that Orloff was one of those men who made things happen.
Over the next few days, Orloff made sure to be near the prince and to make himself as useful as possible. The coronation went smoothly, and was both respectful and festive. The new king knew that Orloff was someone dependable and useful. Soon he would also think of Orloff as someone who could be trusted. Then it was only a short step to thinking that Orloff was someone whose advice he should follow.
And so, as kings came and went, Orloff remained.
* * *
When a king enters a room, all eyes looked upon him. He is the center of attention. But that does not make him the most important person in the room, or the most powerful, or the wisest. Certainly not the wisest.
brigits_flame community. The prompt for this week was "limelight."Most visitors to the court did not notice Orloff. Those few who did see him often thought that he must be a bitter, jealous man. After all, he spent his days surrounded by wealth and power, though he had none for himself. Orloff thought those people were idiots.
It was true that Orloff's quarters were small and plain. However, the only time that Orloff spent in them was time that he was asleep. It was also true that Orloff wore neither gold nor gems. However, Orloff did not spend his days looking into mirrors. If Orloff really wanted to look at pretty things he could do it all day at court. The fact that the diamonds and gold were not his did not make them any less beautiful.
It was true to that Orloff did not sit on a throne, but he did stand behind one. Orloff's voice was seldom heard, but when Orloff did speak, it was almost always to the king, and the king listened to what he said. At court, everyone looked at the king. That was the way Orloff liked it, because it meant that no one was looking at him.
One night at dinner, the king died. His face turned the most horrible shade of green, and his neck swelled grotesquely. He tried to speak, but managed only strangled gasps. His eyes bulged and he collapsed onto the table. Within seconds, the prince was giving orders. His first command was to have the royal food-tasters executed, since the king had so obviously been killed by poison. Orloff thought it was a rather amateurish bit of misdirection, but it seemed to work on everyone else in the room. Orloff assumed that the prince had used a two-part poison, or perhaps he had just used a needle concealed somewhere on his person.
Once the corpses of the poor food-tasters had been dragged away, the prince made a short speech about the need to have his coronation performed soon so there would be a smooth transition of power. Orloff inwardly winced at every flowery turn of phrase. These things should sound spontaneous if they were going to be credible. One didn't compose a speech about assuming power just in case someone else murdered the king, after all. The prince finished his speech with a smile, which he hastily tried to replace with a look of mournful sadness over the tragic death of his father.
After a calculated moment of respectful silence, Orloff said that he would make arrangements for the coronation. This was one of the rare moments when it was necessary to draw attention to oneself. Orloff must immediately present himself as someone useful. The prince, like so many men before him, was used to giving orders and then seeing them carried out. He had no idea who actually did what or how a government really functioned. Now he would see that Orloff was one of those men who made things happen.
Over the next few days, Orloff made sure to be near the prince and to make himself as useful as possible. The coronation went smoothly, and was both respectful and festive. The new king knew that Orloff was someone dependable and useful. Soon he would also think of Orloff as someone who could be trusted. Then it was only a short step to thinking that Orloff was someone whose advice he should follow.
And so, as kings came and went, Orloff remained.
When a king enters a room, all eyes looked upon him. He is the center of attention. But that does not make him the most important person in the room, or the most powerful, or the wisest. Certainly not the wisest.
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Date: 2008-11-27 02:51 pm (UTC)Most visitors to the court did not notice Orloff. Those few who did see him often thought that he must be a bitter, jealous man. [Not ‘noticing’ him means that he blended in like a wallflower, not ‘seeing’ him means he blended in like a ninja. Try the second sentence as: Those few who did often assumed him to be a bitter, jealous man.]
It was true that Orloff's quarters were small and plain[. H-> ,h]owever, the only time that Orloff spent in them was time that he was asleep [a bit awkward, try something a bit more concise like ‘Orloff only used them/regarded them as a place to sleep’.] It was also true that Orloff wore neither gold nor gems. [However,-I’d remove this ‘however’ all together and have the rest of the sentence compliment the earlier ‘Orloff thought these people were idiots.’] Orloff did not spend his days looking into mirrors.]
If Orloff really wanted to look at pretty things he could do it all day at court. The fact that the diamonds and gold were not his did not make them any less beautiful.[Very good. This tells us a lot about the character with just two sentences.]
At court, everyone looked at the king. That was the way Orloff liked it, because it meant that no one was looking at him. [This motivation is either already implied enough, and if it is meant to foreshadow it is a bit too blunt.]
His first command was to have the royal food-tasters executed, [since-try ‘as’ or ‘for’ instead of ‘since’ to match the higher vocabulary here] the king had so obviously been killed by poison. Orloff thought it was a rather amateurish bit of misdirection, but it seemed to work on everyone else in the room. Orloff assumed that the prince had used a two-part poison, or perhaps he had just used a needle concealed [somewhere on his person=a good way to tighten up this longish sentence would be to simply say ‘used a concealed needle’]. Once the corpses of the poor[using ‘poor’ rather than something like ‘unfortunate’ implies sympathy, but Orloff seems far too practical for the stuff] food-tasters had been dragged away, the prince made a short speech about the need to have his coronation performed soon so there would be a smooth transition of power.
And so, as kings came and went, Orloff remained. [The story should end here, for it would end very well here. The spelling out of the (moral?) below takes away from the otherwise solid and thought-provoking story. You did very well for the most part with the flow and structure of this particularly streamlined story. Short as it is, I really wouldn’t recommend beefing or breading up any sections. If you must keep the tagged on section below, remove the ’Certainly not the wisest.’ as the previous sentence, ending on ‘or the wisest’ already gives that quality emphasis. Reiterating it only understates the reader’s perception and overstates your own.]