Time for a new userpic

Some of the old ones were just getting stale.

(no subject)

Feeling like a failure sucks. Earlier this evening, my mom asked me if I checked out the tech writing job that my aunt told her was on Monster. I said no, because I don't want a technical writing job, and if I did, I wouldn't want one with that particular company. I reminded her that I'm trying to work on my art. She seemed surprised, and said she didn't realize that also meant I would ignore opportunities that came up.

This kind of thing really upsets me. So I asked my mom that, even if she didn't have any confidence in this whole art thing, could she please respect that it's what I want to do right now? I know that months ago I claimed I was going to focus on my art and not look for a job, because the market was so terrible, I was having no luck, and it was incredibly discouraging. And yeah, all I did was waste my time, and I didn't work on art much. But sometime later, I realized that I was being stupid, and now I spend several hours at my graphics tablet almost every day. I'm really trying now. And it's unbelievably discouraging when she disregards that.

I tried to explain to her that I couldn't get a tech writing job right now, anyway. I have a gap in my resume over 2 years long. I have no recent references. Someone would have to be desperate to hire me. But none of that has any bearing on what really upsets me about this - she doesn't seem to understand that I REALLY WANT TO TRY TO BE AN ARTIST. Not just because I can't get a tech job, but because it's something that I really want to do. I enjoyed my last job, I really did. But I don't miss the corporate schedule, pointless meetings, haphazard management, and crappy commutes that have each featured in all of my jobs to one degree or another. I don't really want to go back to that. Or, at least, I don't want to go back to it until I really feel that I've tried to succeed at something else, failed, and it's time to admit defeat. It does not help that, of my two parents, mom is generally the supportive one. I later apologized for ranting at her, and said that I know she's just trying to help, but it's all so frustrating.

I don't like being reminded of how badly I failed in the tech world. I don't know if I didn't try hard enough at interviews, if I needed to lie on my resume, or what was wrong, but I screwed up somehow. When I lost my job at Navipath, a bunch of us were layed off at once. I was saying goodbye to someone in QA, and they told me that of everyone leaving that day, they were worried about me the least, because I was really skilled, a great worker, and I'd have another job in no time. So what happened?

I remember when I tried to get a job where cotter_salem works. I think the end result was that they thought I could do the job, but felt that I would hate it. I guess they figured I'd work there for a while, hate it, and quit, thus wasting their time. Still, it didn't help me feel better that I'd been judged competent, but rejected anyway. That same day, I got turned down for a job at WPI. That one was the opposite - they thought I had a great attitude and answered a lot of the "what would you do in this situation" questions right, but they really wanted someone with an encyclopediotic knowldge of perl for the job. That one hit me a lot harder. I really wanted that job.

I don't know what to do now. This week has turned into crap for me. On top of several small frustrations (frames for my glasses breaking, flickering headlights on the car, etc.) I appear to have aquired the Horrible Death Plague Ver 2.0, so I'm not spending time with kaiwoklaw like I wanted to be. It's the last weekend we have to spend together before she goes home for Christmas, so it's rather crappy that I'm going to miss it. Plus, my parents and I were going to finally go get our Christmas tree today. Not only did I not really feel well enough to go out on that trip, but I didn't think it would be a good idea for us all to squeeze into the cab of the truck together so they could share in my delightful sickness. So they had to go get it without me, which kind of sucks.

I spent most of today resting in bed trying to sleep, which might sound great, but just makes me feel worse that I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing - not getting ready for Christmas, not working on art, not working on Exalted - nothing. Coupled with my recent reminders of my previous failures, this doesn't sit well with me.

Anyway, I should probably go crash again and try to conquer the Death Plague. Wish me luck.