hwango

I have a problem.

I know what you're thinking – no really, I do. I built this awesome helmet that lets me do that. Anyway, you're thinking "Oh my god, the giant robot bees! They're everywhere!"

Whoops, sorry – my aim was a little off, there. You are thinking "but, you're Doctor Malevolence – you just killed your nemesis, Captain Paragon! How can you possibly have any problems?" Well, the problem is that I killed my nemesis, Captain Paragon.

See, being a successful differently-moral genius bent on world domination requires a certain delicate touch when it comes to the pitiful fools who try to stand in our way. The key is to defeat them. Not kill them – just defeat them. Because it's handy to have people like that around. Plus if you kill too many pitiful fools then there isn't really anyone left to have dominion over. Then you just spend all day sitting around playing with your hive of giant robot bees. And yes, they are pretty amazing, but it's just not the same as ruling over things you didn't build yourself.

Say, for example, than I crush the governments of the world and seize ultimate power. Then some nutcase like Mister Apocalypse comes along and wants to blow up the world that I just finished conquering. I mean, just blow it up! What's the point of that? Anyway, do I want to have to squander valuable time and resources defending my planet from this idiot? No, of course I don't. That's when I would go let Captain Paragon out of his containment cell and tell him that the world is in terrible danger. Oh, he'd lecture me about my "evil" ways and posture about how suddenly I need him and why should he help me, blah, blah, blah. I'd laugh dismissively and point out that it doesn't matter what I've done or who I am, of course he's going to save the world. And then he'd fly off, beat up Mister Apocalypse, and while he was exhausted from the fight I'd swarm him with giant robot bees and drag him off to his cell again. Everyone's happy. Well, I'm happy, which is the important part. But now it's all screwed up.

It was a symbiotic relationship, really. As the hero, he needed villains to fight. As a man of great ambition and flexible morals, I needed a hero to do battle with from time to time to weed out my bad ideas and keep things interesting. Also, he tended to blow up the secret bases of my so-called competition, which saved me the trouble. And, as I mentioned, he'd keep Mister Apocalypse from flinging the planet into the sun or turning the oceans of the world into blood, or whatever ridiculous thing he was planning to do at the time.

But no, it turns out that my nemesis isn't quite as invulnerable as we were all lead to believe. I thought, "Hey, glowing green rock from space! That will make a cool power source!" How the heck was I supposed to know it would drain him of his powers? The man could have a dump truck full of dynamite dropped on him and walk away without a scratch.

So I'm a little irked right now. I'm sure I'll feel better after I destroy two – no, make that three more world capitals. Then I suppose I'd better make time to check in on Mister Apocalypse and make sure he hasn't gotten hold of the Ark of the Covenant or something.

Hey, wait a second – some flying guy wearing a cape just took out a dozen of my bees! He'll rue the day he crossed paths with Doctor Malevolence! Power up the antimatter cannon! Haha ha ha!

…on second thought, maybe we should work our way up to the antimatter cannon, just in case.

Fetch me a dump truck full of dynamite.