fiction - brigits_flame - evolution

[hwango]

“I forbid it,” Naya’s father said. He was visibly quivering with barely-contained rage. Her mother, on the other hand, seemed to be too stunned to react at all.

“You haven’t even met him,” Naya said. “If you did, you’d realize that –”

“I forbid it!” he interrupted, leaping to his feet. “The boy is a...a...a deviant! A monster!”

“Just because he’s different –” Naya began, but got no further.

“No daughter of mine is going to be seen consorting with someone who regulates their own body temperature independently of the sun!” her father screamed. “Warm-blooded?! It’s unnatural! It’s evil!” His tail lashed from side to side and his toes dug into the hard earth. Naya, however, refused to back down.

“You hypocrite!” she shouted back at him, abandoning her attempts at calm reason. Her father actually retreated a step, it caught him so by surprise. “You’re always going on about our proud ancestry! How our brave and noble ancestors were the first to crawl out of the ocean and start living life on land! Well, Klar has that same drive and ambition! He’s not going to depend on some light in the sky to tell him when he can be active! He’s not going to spend half the day lounging on some rock just to stay warm!”

Her father just stared at her with a mix of shock and revulsion. Finally, in barely a whisper, he spoke.

“I disown you,” he said, without a trace of emotion. This, finally, elicited a response from her mother, who let out a tiny cry of despair. “You are no longer a pelycosaur. You and your filthy suitor can both turn your backs on Lord Sun and run off together for all I care. You are dead to us.”

Naya’s own rage left her just as suddenly, but the feeling that rushed to replace it was more pity than sadness. She left them both without another word, and did not look back.

“Stupid old dinosaurs,” she thought. It was time to look toward the future.

Comments

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

Oh lovely, rebellious dinosaur adolescents. I think I have their descendants running around my walls! Super fun again this week. You do come up with some crackers! Thanks so much, short, punchy, informative and FUN! bless you, Blue.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

Thanks - I'm still a little worried that it's too short and needs more...something. But when I tried to add to it just felt like padding. = P

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

Perhaps... and this is just my personal - erm feeling, no, not as strong as a feeling, a slip of a whisper... it could do with a touche of 'pepper sauce' as the end.

If I could say it from how I would - and it is purely MY erms.. I'd cut the 'and she did not look back'

She left them without a word - that can imply a 'strong' leaving... adding in 'without a word' sounds a bit as if she wanted to add a word in mitigation, or something.

Then that last sentence, drop down and paragraph it. BOOOM!!! Time to look to the future! magic.

I loved it as a story, and it was not a nice prompt... prone to heaviness and stickiness.

Tell me what you think of this 'whisper'... Does it help? with LOVE, Blue.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

I'm having a little trouble parsing your suggestion - cut "and she did not look back," but then there seems to be conflicting advice about "without a word." Or is that just a typo?

I had that last sentence as its own paragraph at first, but I thought it looked funny with two one-sentence paragraphs at the end. Good to hear the original plan might have been okay after all, though. = )

[bluegerl.livejournal.com]

ME... TIS ME!!!! I meant...


... than sadness. She left them both without another word. and did not look back.

“Stupid old dinosaurs,” she thought.

It was time to look toward the future.



I didn't explain it well enough. Shows you how good I am NOT at being an editor.

I hope that helps clear up my thoughts. (they are always garbled cos they are way ahead of my fingers!)

Good luck... teehee. race you to the finish eh? Old Blue.

[hwango.livejournal.com]

THE TENSION IS UNBEARABLE!