LPF week 6 - Not My First Rodeo

[hwango]

Sometimes, when I'm working really hard and I'm really focused, I can kind of forget that the world outside of my office even exists. When I'm like that even normally innocuous disruptions like someone knocking on the door or my phone ringing can be very startling. So you can imagine how disorienting it was for my door to actually explode and for several brightly-dressed people to burst into my office. I never did find the pen that I’d been holding.

"Office hours are from two to five!" I shouted reflexively. Then my brain managed to process what was going on and I recognized my intruders. Oh, crabapples, I thought, it's the League of Vigilance.

Captain Cosmos floated over to my desk, his cape billowing in the...well, there wasn't a breeze, actually, since we were indoors. I wondered if that was a thing that just happened for him or if he had to do it consciously.

"Well, what do you - oh," he said, starting off all righteous and scornful until he actually got a good look at me and realized that I wasn't what he was expecting. I'd managed to regain my composure a bit by then, and seized the opportunity.

"May I help you?” I asked calmly. I brushed some plaster dust and splintered wood off my desk and speared him with an unfriendly smile.

Now, I realize that many people in my position would have been more intimidated by people with superpowers, but the League really are your archetypal superheroes, and since I was not a giant evil robot, supervillain, or even bank robber, I felt that I had little to fear from them. And while I admire all that they do for the world, I admit that I've never quite been able to take them seriously, what with the silly costumes and the fact that they solve most of their problems by punching them. Finally, I didn't think they wanted the public relations disaster that would result from beating up an old lady.

"Um...," said Captain Cosmos, firmly cementing my estimation of his cognitive abilities.

"Madam," said Scarlet Sentinel, but I interrupted him before he could get any further.

"Professor, if you please," I said.

"Professor. There seems to have been some kind of mistake?" He didn’t sound very sure of that. Maybe he was hoping I that I had a giant evil robot hidden under my desk so this would stop being so embarrassing for all of them.

"I dare say a mistake has indeed been made," I said.

"You're sure it's this office?" Captain Cosmos asked The Hammer, and she nodded and shrugged at the same time. It was kind of amazing that these people had managed to save the world so many times. I glanced at The Hammer and raised a critical eyebrow. Seen from up close, her outfit seemed even more impractical than it had appeared on the news.

"Can I lend you a sweater, dear?" I asked her. "Only my office seems to be quite drafty now that it's missing a door."

"Mad - ah, Professor," said Scarlet Sentinel, "are you aware that there's a column of purple fire hundreds of feet high coming from the roof over your office?"

"Oh!" I said. Well, that certainly explained a few things. I considered this for a moment, then walked over to white board number three and scanned several rows and...sure enough, I'd forgotten to carry a one. I rubbed out the offending digit, wrote in its replacement, and then tried to estimate how much the error had thrown off my later calculations. Obviously I’d work out the exact results later, but it was good to have a rough idea of -

At this point, one of the heroes cleared their throat in an attempt to regain my attention.

"My apologies, I had forgotten you were here," I said, a phrase I doubt anyone had ever said to these people before. "The column of purple fire should be gone now." This was also possibly a phrase that no one had ever said to these people, though that was less certain.

Captain Cosmos floated over to peer out my window and check for himself that the fire was gone, which I found vaguely insulting. Still, I suppose it was only reasonable for them to err on the side of caution.

"What did you do?" asked Captain Cosmos. Then, before I could answer, "You're not doing anything dangerous here, are you?"

"Sir, this is a university," I said. "Of course we're doing dangerous things here. We are in the business of spreading knowledge, but knowledge is power, and power is always susceptible to misuse. Did none of you go to college?"

"I have a degree in English Literature," said Scarlet Sentinel, and his companions were clearly taken aback. He shrugged.

"But are you specifically doing anything dangerous?" The Hammer asked, trying to put their interrogation back on track.

I would have thought that a simple miscalculation on my part causing a pillar of purple fire to spontaneously appear would be evidence enough for her to reach the obvious conclusion about this possibility, but that did not seem to be the case.

"Absolutely," I said.

They didn't seem to know what to do with this answer.

"Could you...stop?" asked Scarlet Sentinel after a moment.

"That would be a terrible idea. This is very important work," I said. I realized that this sounded perilously close to the sort of thing people who built giant evil robots might say. "Oh, I think I understand your confusion. When I said that what I was doing here was dangerous, you thought I meant that it was a danger to other people. I assure you, I'm doing something dangerous in the same sense that a fireman's job is dangerous. Or your job, for that matter."

They all appeared highly skeptical.

"You realize that only last week we fought a giant space jellyfish that wanted to consume the Earth?" said Captain Cosmic. "It looks like you do...math."

"Very, very advanced math. And only last week I proved that the Moon was not about to suddenly slip out of its orbit and crash into the Earth."

"I see," said Captain Cosmic, though he obviously didn't. "And the mysterious purple fire?"

"Well, now that I've corrected my calculations, you can see that it was so incredibly improbable for it to be there that it very clearly isn't." And the breakdown of the laws of time and space that it was symptomatic of also was no longer at all likely, but I hesitated to mention that because I was fairly certain that knowing about it would only upset them.

"Right. Well, I apologize for our mistake. We naturally assumed that there was some kind of evil science or evil sorcery or something going on."

"I can see why you might come to that conclusion," I said, which I thought was very diplomatic of me. Certainly they didn't react as if they realized it was insulting.

After that there was a somewhat awkward discussion about them replacing the door to my office, and then they finally left. I was grateful to see them go so I could get back to work.

I mean, it is good that we have them, of course. It's not like I can be expected to save the world all of the time. After all, I'd been far too busy to prove how unlikely that giant space jellyfish was. I have to prioritize, and if something is going to slip through the cracks, better it be something that they can deal with by hitting it a lot.

Well, back to proving how unlikely it was for gravity to suddenly become carnivorous. At least things weren't as bad as last week.

Comments

[codenamewanderlust]

[RIP Stan Lee :*( ]

The "Mad" Professor sounds like a great supervillainess name to me...
Except I think this is more like that time God was playing skiball dressed liked Alanis Morissette because they were bored

Anyway, I always enjoy reading your entries and somehow think we are kindred spirits irt darker shades of humor

I am forever adjectivous

[hwango]

More people need to be adjectivous, right? = )

Glad you enjoyed it!

[bleodswean]

Ha! Doing the dangerous work, indeed! I like this gal!

[hwango]

I mean, math and higher education, right? You don't get more perilous than that. = )

[jenwithapen]

You know, as I was reading through this, I was really enjoying your character's names! -laughing- And then I noticed that codenamewanderlust had ALSO mentioned your char names! =DDD Rock on! \m/

This had such a playful and damn scary vibe (I'm a quantum theory buff, SUCH a fangirl!, and dark matter scares the bejesus out of me! As do black holes! So yeah, a carnivorous gravity? =D No, no worries at all! ;D) You just know there's a mad genius running around out there trying to up the ante, somehow! ;)

A fun read. And your mood was my favoritest thing of all! ;D <3

[hwango]

I'm amused that this is the first time anyone's commented on my moods, and it's twice in one week! = ) Glad both mood and entry amused you.

[bellatrixe]

This was fabulous. Absolutely adored it <3

[hwango]

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

[static_abyss]

I love your brand of storytelling. It's ways entertaining and this was no exception. I loved all your characters and the tone of this entry. Well done!

[hwango]

Thank you! This was a really hard week for me, and I'm glad I didn't disappoint.

[bewize]

HAHA! I loved this so hard!

[hwango]

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[murielle]

I don't know who any of these people are but I really enjoyed this! :-)

[hwango]

No one knows who any of these people are - I almost never recycle characters because I don't want people to feel like they need to remember stuff from something I wrote in the past, so you can pretty much always assume that you're not supposed to recognize anything.

...though I do have that cranky narrator who tells horrifying stories to children, and I feel like those are a little funnier if you remember him. But that's about it.

Anyway, glad you enjoyed it!

[murielle]

Whew! It's the superhero-thing. I can't keep track. There are so many. :-)

[hwango]

Hmm, yes, I see what you mean. They are all the rage at the moment, aren't they?

[fausts_dream]

Very Amusing!

[hwango]

Thanks!

[the_eternal_overthinker]

Heh! This was FANTASTIC! I enjoyed reading this as always. The dialogues are fun to read. Good work!

[hwango]

Thanks! Snarky dialog is often fun to write. = )

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, this was delightful! I enjoyed the dry tone, the unflappability of the main character, then obvious idiocy of the superheroes, AND the fact that in the end, theoretical mathematics can save us all. :D

[hwango]

BEHOLD THE POWER OF MATH! = )

[tjoel2]

Great read! Well done.

[hwango]

Thanks!

[tonithegreat]

Wonderful! I’m glad she’s on my side. “First Rodeo” indeed.

[hwango]

Thanks!