fiction - ljidol week 8 - no comment
Feb. 10th, 2017 06:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwango805 words
In all the world, there is no man more hated and more feared than Baron Dämmerung. At least, that's the mission statement posted in the break room.
In practice, he's probably somewhere around number nine. But hey, being in the Top Ten is pretty good, right? Or maybe that should be the Bottom Ten, considering the nature of the list.
Anyway, wherever he falls on whatever list, there's no denying that Baron Dämmerung has got what it takes to leave the world trembling in fear at the mere whisper of his name. He's got a haunted castle, an army of mutant bats, and all sorts of weird and terrifying technological marvels that are probably best collectively referred to as "Doomsday Weapons." He's also got twenty-two pairs of socks. I realize that one is less a fear-inspiring detail and more a bit of random trivia, but I just got done folding them and putting them away, so they sort of leapt to mind.
I attend to a lot of the mundane upkeep around the castle that requires a human touch. Putting away laundry, preparing meals, managing the ghosts, screaming lullabies to the sleeping elder god in the basement, answering fan mail - that sort of thing. I guess a lot of people would think of me as the butler, though I think "factotum" is both more accurate and sounds cooler. The Baron, of course, calls me -
"Igor! Hand me that wrench!"
I'm pretty sure he knows that my name isn't Igor, and he means it as a job title. I've never actually asked him. Maybe if I'd thought to check the first time it would have been okay, but now it would just be awkward.
In spite of the whole "Igor" thing and the fact that he just asked me for a wrench, I'm not really his assistant when it comes to the mad science. He's got robots and various near-human monsters to serve as real help in the lab. I just happen to be standing closest to what he wanted at the moment.
"It's nearly ready, Igor! This time! This time success cannot escape me!"
I nod and say, "Indeed sir," which is the appropriate sort of response for someone in my position. It's certainly not my place to tell him that this is the latest in a string of very bad ideas, and that he should really reconsider some of his most basic life choices.
"It will all have been worth it!"
I really doubt it, but I just nod.
"Now...my ultimate triumph is at hand!"
Again, no comment. Sigh.
Baron Dämmerung flips a few switches, and the ceiling starts to retract into the walls. The chill night air pours into the room and the moon looms full and bright far above us. He pulls a huge lever and the machinery in the room becomes noticeably louder. The air fizzes. Then there's a loud bang, a horrific buzzing that makes my teeth vibrate, and a ripple in the air as some sort of invisible beam lances into the night sky. I watch the moon as dark letters begin to appear on its surface, carved into the rock by the latest of the Baron's death rays. This goes on for quite some time.
When it is done, the message reads "Countess Pandemonium - Will you marry me? -BD" The Baron throws the lever back and the machinery powers down. He stares anxiously at the moon. Time passes. Eventually I fetch a stool and place it next to him, and he sits down without ever taking his eyes off the moon. More time passes.
"Would you like me to fetch you some tea, sir?" I ask. The third time I ask, the question apparently manages to reach his brain, and he nods distractedly.
"Yes, that would be very nice, Igor."
I'm about to leave when he suddenly leaps to his feet. I look at him, see that he's still looking up, and so I also look back to the moon. The letters are blurry - in fact, the whole moon is blurry. I'm about to ask what's happening when suddenly the moon shatters. It's eerie to have such a cataclysmic event occur in total silence, but hey - that's outer space for you. I'm starting to think about the implications of what I've just seen when I suddenly realize the most immediate one - her answer would appear to be "no," then.
The Baron just stares at the debris for a while, then he turns to look at me. He is clearly heartbroken. I wish I could tell him that she's all wrong for him anyway, and becoming a supervillain to try to impress a girl has got to be the stupidest thing anyone has ever done.
"Maybe something stronger than tea?" I suggest.
He just nods.
In all the world, there is no man more hated and more feared than Baron Dämmerung. At least, that's the mission statement posted in the break room.
In practice, he's probably somewhere around number nine. But hey, being in the Top Ten is pretty good, right? Or maybe that should be the Bottom Ten, considering the nature of the list.
Anyway, wherever he falls on whatever list, there's no denying that Baron Dämmerung has got what it takes to leave the world trembling in fear at the mere whisper of his name. He's got a haunted castle, an army of mutant bats, and all sorts of weird and terrifying technological marvels that are probably best collectively referred to as "Doomsday Weapons." He's also got twenty-two pairs of socks. I realize that one is less a fear-inspiring detail and more a bit of random trivia, but I just got done folding them and putting them away, so they sort of leapt to mind.
I attend to a lot of the mundane upkeep around the castle that requires a human touch. Putting away laundry, preparing meals, managing the ghosts, screaming lullabies to the sleeping elder god in the basement, answering fan mail - that sort of thing. I guess a lot of people would think of me as the butler, though I think "factotum" is both more accurate and sounds cooler. The Baron, of course, calls me -
"Igor! Hand me that wrench!"
I'm pretty sure he knows that my name isn't Igor, and he means it as a job title. I've never actually asked him. Maybe if I'd thought to check the first time it would have been okay, but now it would just be awkward.
In spite of the whole "Igor" thing and the fact that he just asked me for a wrench, I'm not really his assistant when it comes to the mad science. He's got robots and various near-human monsters to serve as real help in the lab. I just happen to be standing closest to what he wanted at the moment.
"It's nearly ready, Igor! This time! This time success cannot escape me!"
I nod and say, "Indeed sir," which is the appropriate sort of response for someone in my position. It's certainly not my place to tell him that this is the latest in a string of very bad ideas, and that he should really reconsider some of his most basic life choices.
"It will all have been worth it!"
I really doubt it, but I just nod.
"Now...my ultimate triumph is at hand!"
Again, no comment. Sigh.
Baron Dämmerung flips a few switches, and the ceiling starts to retract into the walls. The chill night air pours into the room and the moon looms full and bright far above us. He pulls a huge lever and the machinery in the room becomes noticeably louder. The air fizzes. Then there's a loud bang, a horrific buzzing that makes my teeth vibrate, and a ripple in the air as some sort of invisible beam lances into the night sky. I watch the moon as dark letters begin to appear on its surface, carved into the rock by the latest of the Baron's death rays. This goes on for quite some time.
When it is done, the message reads "Countess Pandemonium - Will you marry me? -BD" The Baron throws the lever back and the machinery powers down. He stares anxiously at the moon. Time passes. Eventually I fetch a stool and place it next to him, and he sits down without ever taking his eyes off the moon. More time passes.
"Would you like me to fetch you some tea, sir?" I ask. The third time I ask, the question apparently manages to reach his brain, and he nods distractedly.
"Yes, that would be very nice, Igor."
I'm about to leave when he suddenly leaps to his feet. I look at him, see that he's still looking up, and so I also look back to the moon. The letters are blurry - in fact, the whole moon is blurry. I'm about to ask what's happening when suddenly the moon shatters. It's eerie to have such a cataclysmic event occur in total silence, but hey - that's outer space for you. I'm starting to think about the implications of what I've just seen when I suddenly realize the most immediate one - her answer would appear to be "no," then.
The Baron just stares at the debris for a while, then he turns to look at me. He is clearly heartbroken. I wish I could tell him that she's all wrong for him anyway, and becoming a supervillain to try to impress a girl has got to be the stupidest thing anyone has ever done.
"Maybe something stronger than tea?" I suggest.
He just nods.
