LJIdol 3 Strikes - Week 16 - Soup's On!
Aug. 24th, 2022 03:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwangoHello, children. Alas, now isn't really the best time for you to visit, as I'm afraid I'm preparing for guests this evening. Friends? What makes you think - ahem, that is to say, no, they are not friends. Unfortunately, not all guests are welcome guests, which, now that I come to think about it, is obviously a truth you have yet to grasp. Oh well, I suppose I can spare you a few minutes for a story.
There was once a feud between three faeries that was so poisonous and all-consuming that it practically monopolized the time of those ensnared in it. All other concerns were secondary, or perhaps even tertiary. Nothing was more important than the seething contempt and fiery malice that they felt for one another. Did they fight? No, though I can see why you would think so. You are no doubt thinking of the many faerie stories you have heard involving impulsive, violent persons who would not hesitate to murder anyone who wronged them in the slightest. I am ever so pleased that you have been paying attention.
Indeed, under other circumstances, any of the three faeries under discussion would probably have resorted to quick, efficient violence, or possibly elaborate and inventive violence, thereby avoiding a lengthy confrontation and letting them return to their other pursuits, such as exploring volcanoes into which they could throw people, or surveying bogs in which to drown people, or going out to socialize and meet new people to despise. Alas, the particular disagreement at the core of their relationship regarded a matter of etiquette, which lead to an extensive argument over which of them was the most courtly and refined. Before they realized what was happening, they all found themselves trapped in a position where violently eliminating one another would only serve to prove that they were not as civilized as they had claimed, and would make one of the others the winner of the argument. An intolerable outcome!
Thus, all of the interactions between any of the involved parties in the feud were conducted with absolutely impeccable courtesy, while inwardly they hated each other with such intensity that nearby crops failed and local volcanoes roared and spit and shook and wondered why no one was being thrown into them.
Eventually, this situation resulted in one of the fairies, Magnari Doomkettle, hosting a dinner party for the other two, who were called Perfidious Floop and Glaur Pavo.
Magnari planned a meal of exquisite decadence. Dinner would open with razor thin slices of gelatinized anticipation intricately folded into origami hummingbirds, each hovering over individual carnations constructed from rose petals. Following that would be fried kraken dipped in bioluminescent algae. For the salad course, Magnari and his guests would dine on spiced pumpkin grown by Selasko Timmertamblin himself, who the oldest of you children might remember cultivated pumpkins of such majestic size that they would be quite difficult for ordinary mortals to carry, if in fact ordinary mortals could get close enough to one to lift it without having their souls annihilated by their overwhelming pumpkinity, which of course they couldn't.
After salad, dinner would progress to the main course of roasted mushrooms imported from the moon itself, drizzled with honey made from verdigris harvested from copper flowers by clockwork bees. Dessert would consist of flawless strawberries chilled to the very precipice of freezing with ice from the far shores of Hell. For mignardise, six drops of poached sunlight on a caramelized wisp of cloud. Mignardise? It's dessert's pretentious cousin.
Anyway, that was the plan at least, and things started off well enough. Magnari's guests both arrived exactly on time, Perfidious Floop looking very stylish sporting a new set of antlers he had grown especially for the occasion, and Glaur Pavo looking quite dashing in a long coat dyed a new color he had invented also for this specific dinner. The three of them exchanged pleasantries and sat down for their meal. Everyone carefully unfolded their hummingbirds to read the dire prophecies written in squid ink on the insides, and Glaur and Perfidious laughed and decided to swap theirs. Perfidious complimented Magnari on the rubberiness of the fried kraken, and Glaur said that the bioluminescent algae were the brightest he'd ever tasted. They were about to move on the salad course when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door of Magnari's castle.
Everyone froze while Magnari's hobgoblin servant, Fusarium, scuttled to see who was at the door. Fusarium returned shortly, accompanied by a faerie unfamiliar to all of those present. The stranger introduced himself as Litharge Viscera, and he apologized most sincerely for the intrusion, but he had been ambushed by brigands on the road, and in the ensuing melee his carriage had been turned back into an eggplant and then trodden upon, and the two wolverines that had been pulling it had run off. He had spotted this fine castle and wondered if he might impose upon its master for the loan of some replacement beasts and perhaps a large vegetable he might transmute into a new carriage. Having now discovered that he had interrupted a formal dinner, he was exceedingly embarrassed, and expressed his most sincere regrets for the intrusion.
Well, there was nothing for it but for Magnari to insist that Litharge join them for their meal. One couldn't simply turn away a traveler in such obvious distress, and one couldn't very well have even an unexpected guest just sit there while one ate without sharing one's meal. At least, not with Perfidious and Glaur there. If Magnari had been alone he would have thrown Litharge right back out the door and turned his boots into snakes without a second thought.
The problem was that the meal had been so carefully arranged for exactly three diners. There was not enough of each dish for them to be re-apportioned for four without making each course too small to be presentable. Furthermore, many of the ingredients were rather exotic, which is a nicer way of saying that they were deadly poison, and the meal had been precisely calibrated for certain courses to be the antidotes for others. Split four ways, there would not be enough verdigris honey to counteract the fried kraken that Magnari, Perfidious, and Glaur had already eaten.
Magnari excused himself for a moment to speak with Fusarium in the kitchen, and he insisted that Litharge take his seat at the table while he was away. The table! The table was triangular, with only room to accommodate three. Magnari would need to replace the table as well as modify the meal being served upon it. This was a disaster.
After some frantic discussion with Fusarium, Magnari ordered him to add a soup course to the dinner that would fill out the meal and compensate for the adjusted portions, and into which whatever necessary supplemental antidotes could be incorporated. Fusarium argued that it was too late in the meal for a soup course, and should they not consider a cheese course instead? Magnari was so appalled at the idea of having both a cheese course and a mignardise that he felt quite faint for a moment, but then rallied, and ordered Fusarium to get to work on the soup. Fusarium countered that he could make a soup, but with the ingredients on hand and the antidote requirements it would probably look and taste revolting. Magnari threatened to add him to the pot if he didn't work gastronomical miracles, but they both knew it was an empty threat, as Fusarium would both taste abominable and serve only to make the meal even more poisonous. With a final glare, Magnari left to attend to his guests before his lack of attention became inexcusable.
Well, you can imagine what a relief it was to return to the dining room and discover that Litharge had actually been a ghoul in a clever disguise, and that he had already killed and eaten Perfidious and Glaur while Magnari had been distracted in the kitchen. This solved so many of Magnari's problems! Furthermore, the ghoul had helped himself to the entire salad course, and thus he had inadvertently consumed lethal amounts of eldritch pumpkin. The ghoul keeled over and then died an excruciating death while Magnari inspected the damage to his dining room and the stains on the carpets and walls and determined that it was all a fair price to pay to be rid of Perfidious and Glaur.
Magnari sat down in the most intact of the chairs to finish his dinner in blissful solitude, and with the proper portion sizes. Everything was delicious. It would have been a perfect day all around, and Magnari probably would have gone on to lead a full, rich, and happy life, except that he remembered too late that he had missed the salad course. With no eldritch pumpkin in his system, the poached sunlight would kill him in minutes. His only hope at that point would be an emergency serving of cheese, but that would require admitting that Fusarium was right all along, and so he died an agonizing death sprawled over the remains of the dinner table.
The lesson to be learned here is never to eat mignardise - if your dessert isn't a satisfying conclusion to your meal, then it's not doing its job properly. That, and anyone knocking on your door unexpectedly is probably a bloodthirsty ghoul.
Now, you all really do need to run along so I can get back to preparing for my guests. I haven't even folded the origami hummingbirds yet.
There was once a feud between three faeries that was so poisonous and all-consuming that it practically monopolized the time of those ensnared in it. All other concerns were secondary, or perhaps even tertiary. Nothing was more important than the seething contempt and fiery malice that they felt for one another. Did they fight? No, though I can see why you would think so. You are no doubt thinking of the many faerie stories you have heard involving impulsive, violent persons who would not hesitate to murder anyone who wronged them in the slightest. I am ever so pleased that you have been paying attention.
Indeed, under other circumstances, any of the three faeries under discussion would probably have resorted to quick, efficient violence, or possibly elaborate and inventive violence, thereby avoiding a lengthy confrontation and letting them return to their other pursuits, such as exploring volcanoes into which they could throw people, or surveying bogs in which to drown people, or going out to socialize and meet new people to despise. Alas, the particular disagreement at the core of their relationship regarded a matter of etiquette, which lead to an extensive argument over which of them was the most courtly and refined. Before they realized what was happening, they all found themselves trapped in a position where violently eliminating one another would only serve to prove that they were not as civilized as they had claimed, and would make one of the others the winner of the argument. An intolerable outcome!
Thus, all of the interactions between any of the involved parties in the feud were conducted with absolutely impeccable courtesy, while inwardly they hated each other with such intensity that nearby crops failed and local volcanoes roared and spit and shook and wondered why no one was being thrown into them.
Eventually, this situation resulted in one of the fairies, Magnari Doomkettle, hosting a dinner party for the other two, who were called Perfidious Floop and Glaur Pavo.
Magnari planned a meal of exquisite decadence. Dinner would open with razor thin slices of gelatinized anticipation intricately folded into origami hummingbirds, each hovering over individual carnations constructed from rose petals. Following that would be fried kraken dipped in bioluminescent algae. For the salad course, Magnari and his guests would dine on spiced pumpkin grown by Selasko Timmertamblin himself, who the oldest of you children might remember cultivated pumpkins of such majestic size that they would be quite difficult for ordinary mortals to carry, if in fact ordinary mortals could get close enough to one to lift it without having their souls annihilated by their overwhelming pumpkinity, which of course they couldn't.
After salad, dinner would progress to the main course of roasted mushrooms imported from the moon itself, drizzled with honey made from verdigris harvested from copper flowers by clockwork bees. Dessert would consist of flawless strawberries chilled to the very precipice of freezing with ice from the far shores of Hell. For mignardise, six drops of poached sunlight on a caramelized wisp of cloud. Mignardise? It's dessert's pretentious cousin.
Anyway, that was the plan at least, and things started off well enough. Magnari's guests both arrived exactly on time, Perfidious Floop looking very stylish sporting a new set of antlers he had grown especially for the occasion, and Glaur Pavo looking quite dashing in a long coat dyed a new color he had invented also for this specific dinner. The three of them exchanged pleasantries and sat down for their meal. Everyone carefully unfolded their hummingbirds to read the dire prophecies written in squid ink on the insides, and Glaur and Perfidious laughed and decided to swap theirs. Perfidious complimented Magnari on the rubberiness of the fried kraken, and Glaur said that the bioluminescent algae were the brightest he'd ever tasted. They were about to move on the salad course when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door of Magnari's castle.
Everyone froze while Magnari's hobgoblin servant, Fusarium, scuttled to see who was at the door. Fusarium returned shortly, accompanied by a faerie unfamiliar to all of those present. The stranger introduced himself as Litharge Viscera, and he apologized most sincerely for the intrusion, but he had been ambushed by brigands on the road, and in the ensuing melee his carriage had been turned back into an eggplant and then trodden upon, and the two wolverines that had been pulling it had run off. He had spotted this fine castle and wondered if he might impose upon its master for the loan of some replacement beasts and perhaps a large vegetable he might transmute into a new carriage. Having now discovered that he had interrupted a formal dinner, he was exceedingly embarrassed, and expressed his most sincere regrets for the intrusion.
Well, there was nothing for it but for Magnari to insist that Litharge join them for their meal. One couldn't simply turn away a traveler in such obvious distress, and one couldn't very well have even an unexpected guest just sit there while one ate without sharing one's meal. At least, not with Perfidious and Glaur there. If Magnari had been alone he would have thrown Litharge right back out the door and turned his boots into snakes without a second thought.
The problem was that the meal had been so carefully arranged for exactly three diners. There was not enough of each dish for them to be re-apportioned for four without making each course too small to be presentable. Furthermore, many of the ingredients were rather exotic, which is a nicer way of saying that they were deadly poison, and the meal had been precisely calibrated for certain courses to be the antidotes for others. Split four ways, there would not be enough verdigris honey to counteract the fried kraken that Magnari, Perfidious, and Glaur had already eaten.
Magnari excused himself for a moment to speak with Fusarium in the kitchen, and he insisted that Litharge take his seat at the table while he was away. The table! The table was triangular, with only room to accommodate three. Magnari would need to replace the table as well as modify the meal being served upon it. This was a disaster.
After some frantic discussion with Fusarium, Magnari ordered him to add a soup course to the dinner that would fill out the meal and compensate for the adjusted portions, and into which whatever necessary supplemental antidotes could be incorporated. Fusarium argued that it was too late in the meal for a soup course, and should they not consider a cheese course instead? Magnari was so appalled at the idea of having both a cheese course and a mignardise that he felt quite faint for a moment, but then rallied, and ordered Fusarium to get to work on the soup. Fusarium countered that he could make a soup, but with the ingredients on hand and the antidote requirements it would probably look and taste revolting. Magnari threatened to add him to the pot if he didn't work gastronomical miracles, but they both knew it was an empty threat, as Fusarium would both taste abominable and serve only to make the meal even more poisonous. With a final glare, Magnari left to attend to his guests before his lack of attention became inexcusable.
Well, you can imagine what a relief it was to return to the dining room and discover that Litharge had actually been a ghoul in a clever disguise, and that he had already killed and eaten Perfidious and Glaur while Magnari had been distracted in the kitchen. This solved so many of Magnari's problems! Furthermore, the ghoul had helped himself to the entire salad course, and thus he had inadvertently consumed lethal amounts of eldritch pumpkin. The ghoul keeled over and then died an excruciating death while Magnari inspected the damage to his dining room and the stains on the carpets and walls and determined that it was all a fair price to pay to be rid of Perfidious and Glaur.
Magnari sat down in the most intact of the chairs to finish his dinner in blissful solitude, and with the proper portion sizes. Everything was delicious. It would have been a perfect day all around, and Magnari probably would have gone on to lead a full, rich, and happy life, except that he remembered too late that he had missed the salad course. With no eldritch pumpkin in his system, the poached sunlight would kill him in minutes. His only hope at that point would be an emergency serving of cheese, but that would require admitting that Fusarium was right all along, and so he died an agonizing death sprawled over the remains of the dinner table.
The lesson to be learned here is never to eat mignardise - if your dessert isn't a satisfying conclusion to your meal, then it's not doing its job properly. That, and anyone knocking on your door unexpectedly is probably a bloodthirsty ghoul.
Now, you all really do need to run along so I can get back to preparing for my guests. I haven't even folded the origami hummingbirds yet.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-24 10:17 pm (UTC)And I admit, I am always caught off guard by unexpected door knocking.
I admit, I am staggered at the idea of dying rather than admitting (to only oneself, mind you, as everyone else was dead) that someone else was right.
Your story echoes of a Shakespearean tragedy. They always have high body counts ;)
no subject
Date: 2022-08-25 03:45 am (UTC)Of course, the real reason he won't eat the cheese is that I couldn't live with the idea that he would somehow surive this story and "win," and this seemed the most ridiculous way to kill him off.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-25 12:38 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2022-08-25 01:48 pm (UTC)- Erulisse (one L)
no subject
Date: 2022-08-25 09:43 pm (UTC)I think the part of this one I enjoyed the most was coming up with the food. That, and discovering the existence of mignardise when I was researching what the courses would be in a multi-course meal. = )
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Date: 2022-08-25 10:01 pm (UTC)- Erulisse (one L)
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Date: 2022-08-25 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-08-26 12:31 am (UTC)- Erulisse (one L)
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Date: 2022-08-25 10:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-08-25 11:58 pm (UTC)I'm so glad to hear that someone is enjoying the names! I do have fun coming up with the names for these, but normally I only need one or two, and this time I needed five, and then I realized I had somehow started three of them with the same letter and had to come up with two more (Selasko doesn't count, I really did mention him in another one of these years ago).
I usually aim for a mix of nonsense words that sound cool and somewhat exotic real words - Fusarium is a genus of mold, Glaur is soft, slimy mud, Pavo is a genus of peafowl, Litharge is a mineral variety of lead, and of course Perfidious means deceitful and untrustworthy.
The hobgoblins in the last two stories were named after mushrooms and slime mold. I don't know if anyone has ever noticed details like that, but it makes me happy to put them regardless. = )
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