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hwangoThis is my entry for the writing activity on the brigits_flame community. The topic for week #2 of July is "It hurts when I do this," for which I have written the following:
Note: My plan was too keep expanding on the same characters and overall story each week as long as I’m in the activity, taking the challenge of incorporating whatever new topic comes along into an existing narrative. To that end, this piece follows my piece from last week, though it should make sense on its own.
Butler paused when he reached the middle of the bridge so Carver could tie a piece of rope securely around the corpse’s neck. Butler then used the rope to carefully and quietly lower the body into the river. He waited until the corpse was completely submerged before he released his hold on the rope and let it slip almost soundlessly into the water after the dead weight of Mr. Baker. Their business at the river done, the pair reversed their course and headed back out of the River Quarter.
“Anything else for tonight, Carver?” Butler asked once they were well away from the water.
“As a matter of fact, there is one other task we have left to complete on this fine night. A Mr. Greenway has done something to upset our esteemed employer, and we are to arrange for him to join Mr. Baker,” Carver said. Butler made no reply, but simply dropped back a step to indicate that he would follow Carver’s lead.
Several minutes later, they reached the home of Mr. Greenway. From the size of his residence, Greenway appeared to a man of reasonable wealth. Most of the individuals Carver and his associate dealt with on their employer’s behalf tended to be of a lower social class than this Greenway appeared to be.
There was light coming from a window on the first floor, which was unusual for the hour. Carver wondered if it might be a servant tending to some unpleasant or tedious task that had to be performed when the gentleman of the house was not present to have his refined senses disturbed. That could be troublesome. After all, Carver made it a point not to kill anyone outside the original terms of his assignment. This was for practical reasons and not an issue of morality. It seemed to Carver to set a bad precedent to do for free what he otherwise did only when paid.
The pair approached the servants’ entrance, where Butler waited in silence while Carver picked the rather poor lock on the sturdy wooden door. As per their usual practices, Carver went in first while Butler followed several steps behind. Carver would deal quietly with any obstacles that presented themselves, but Butler stayed close in the event that something went awry and a less subtle approach to a problem was required.
Carver crept along the hall until he reached the room that was lit. He peered inside and confirmed his earlier suspicion that it was not Greenway who was awake, but a servant. A thin, harried-looking man sat at a small, functional desk piled high with papers and ledgers. Opposite this was a much larger desk, the only purpose of which appeared to be to indicate that the person who sat behind it was a man of tremendous importance. He certainly wouldn’t be a man performing so menial a task as writing, since nowhere on its surface could be found anything resembling a pen or ink.
Carver carefully drew back from the doorway. The man inside looked as if he was much too busy to notice anything that might go on elsewhere in the house, and Carver decided that he and Butler might well be able to deal with and extract Greenway without the clerk even noticing anything was amiss. Carver motioned to Butler and then proceeded to the stairs.
Alas, Carver was disappointed by what he found upstairs, or in fact by what he failed to find, which was Greenway. The master bedroom was empty, and the gentleman did not appear to be anywhere else in the house. Carver sighed quietly. He did not relish the idea of going back to his employer to report his failure to deal with Greenway. That meant he was going to have to do something else he didn’t relish, which was question the clerk downstairs as to the whereabouts of his master.
Carver’s assessment of the clerk’s alertness proved to be well-founded. Carver had his knife against the man’s throat for several seconds before the clerk noticed him. Carver had been on the verge of coughing politely to get the man’s attention.
“Please, I implore you not to complicate this situation by crying out or making any sudden movements. There are some questions I would like to ask you, and it would be quite impossible for you to adequately answer them for me if I’ve found it necessary to slice open your neck.”
Butler moved into the room at this point and positioned himself in front of the clerk. The clerk’s situation had seemed dire when he realized someone had a knife to his neck, but having his field of vision filled by the imposing figure of Butler made things seem much, much worse.
“My inspection of the building has led me to conclude that the master of the house is not present. It was my understanding that he was in town and would be at this address. Could you be so kind as to tell me where he is?”
“I…,” the clerk began, stumbling over even that one small syllable when he found that speaking it made the blade press closer against his skin. “I don’t know.” Carver frowned. This was a truly loyal employee. Greenway must pay him quite astonishing amounts of money.
There are only so many ways you can threaten a man with a knife once you already have it in such close proximity to his person. Mostly they involve making small cuts, which Carver found messy and could leave alarming amounts of evidence, and which on rare occasions caused the subject to faint and make it impossible to continue questioning them. Instead, Carver tossed an apple to Butler.
From the sound it made when Butler caught it, the clerk could tell it was hard and fresh. His eyes bulged in horror as he watched Butler gradually tighten his grip on the apple until it exploded. Then Butler stepped forward and gently folded his sticky fingers over the clerk’s right hand.
“I imagine that a man in your profession finds his hands to be among his most valuable resources. Certainly it would be tiresome to write all of these long lines of numbers with your left hand. Or your toes.”
Butler’s grip tightened, ever so slightly. The clerk whimpered.
“I understand that broken bones can be remarkably painful. Do you know how many bones there are in the human hand?”
The clerk whimpered some more.
“I’m sure an educated man such as yourself can imagine how difficult your job would be if something were to happen to your hands. Think what an inconvenience it would be while you waited all that time for all of those little bones to heal. That’s a scenario I think we’d all like to avoid. Why don’t you think a little harder about where Greenway might be, and we -”
“He has a mistress at 32 Spring Street,” the clerk interrupted. Carver frowned in disappointment. He did so hate being interrupted when he was speaking, but it would be a petty man indeed who would punish a man just for being eager to impart the information he was seeking. Carver nodded to Butler, who released his grip on the clerk’s hand. Carver removed the blade of the knife from the clerks’ neck and then deftly used the handle to knock the man unconscious.
“It would appear, Butler, that we have business in Spring Street.”
Note: My plan was too keep expanding on the same characters and overall story each week as long as I’m in the activity, taking the challenge of incorporating whatever new topic comes along into an existing narrative. To that end, this piece follows my piece from last week, though it should make sense on its own.
Butler paused when he reached the middle of the bridge so Carver could tie a piece of rope securely around the corpse’s neck. Butler then used the rope to carefully and quietly lower the body into the river. He waited until the corpse was completely submerged before he released his hold on the rope and let it slip almost soundlessly into the water after the dead weight of Mr. Baker. Their business at the river done, the pair reversed their course and headed back out of the River Quarter.
“Anything else for tonight, Carver?” Butler asked once they were well away from the water.
“As a matter of fact, there is one other task we have left to complete on this fine night. A Mr. Greenway has done something to upset our esteemed employer, and we are to arrange for him to join Mr. Baker,” Carver said. Butler made no reply, but simply dropped back a step to indicate that he would follow Carver’s lead.
Several minutes later, they reached the home of Mr. Greenway. From the size of his residence, Greenway appeared to a man of reasonable wealth. Most of the individuals Carver and his associate dealt with on their employer’s behalf tended to be of a lower social class than this Greenway appeared to be.
There was light coming from a window on the first floor, which was unusual for the hour. Carver wondered if it might be a servant tending to some unpleasant or tedious task that had to be performed when the gentleman of the house was not present to have his refined senses disturbed. That could be troublesome. After all, Carver made it a point not to kill anyone outside the original terms of his assignment. This was for practical reasons and not an issue of morality. It seemed to Carver to set a bad precedent to do for free what he otherwise did only when paid.
The pair approached the servants’ entrance, where Butler waited in silence while Carver picked the rather poor lock on the sturdy wooden door. As per their usual practices, Carver went in first while Butler followed several steps behind. Carver would deal quietly with any obstacles that presented themselves, but Butler stayed close in the event that something went awry and a less subtle approach to a problem was required.
Carver crept along the hall until he reached the room that was lit. He peered inside and confirmed his earlier suspicion that it was not Greenway who was awake, but a servant. A thin, harried-looking man sat at a small, functional desk piled high with papers and ledgers. Opposite this was a much larger desk, the only purpose of which appeared to be to indicate that the person who sat behind it was a man of tremendous importance. He certainly wouldn’t be a man performing so menial a task as writing, since nowhere on its surface could be found anything resembling a pen or ink.
Carver carefully drew back from the doorway. The man inside looked as if he was much too busy to notice anything that might go on elsewhere in the house, and Carver decided that he and Butler might well be able to deal with and extract Greenway without the clerk even noticing anything was amiss. Carver motioned to Butler and then proceeded to the stairs.
Alas, Carver was disappointed by what he found upstairs, or in fact by what he failed to find, which was Greenway. The master bedroom was empty, and the gentleman did not appear to be anywhere else in the house. Carver sighed quietly. He did not relish the idea of going back to his employer to report his failure to deal with Greenway. That meant he was going to have to do something else he didn’t relish, which was question the clerk downstairs as to the whereabouts of his master.
Carver’s assessment of the clerk’s alertness proved to be well-founded. Carver had his knife against the man’s throat for several seconds before the clerk noticed him. Carver had been on the verge of coughing politely to get the man’s attention.
“Please, I implore you not to complicate this situation by crying out or making any sudden movements. There are some questions I would like to ask you, and it would be quite impossible for you to adequately answer them for me if I’ve found it necessary to slice open your neck.”
Butler moved into the room at this point and positioned himself in front of the clerk. The clerk’s situation had seemed dire when he realized someone had a knife to his neck, but having his field of vision filled by the imposing figure of Butler made things seem much, much worse.
“My inspection of the building has led me to conclude that the master of the house is not present. It was my understanding that he was in town and would be at this address. Could you be so kind as to tell me where he is?”
“I…,” the clerk began, stumbling over even that one small syllable when he found that speaking it made the blade press closer against his skin. “I don’t know.” Carver frowned. This was a truly loyal employee. Greenway must pay him quite astonishing amounts of money.
There are only so many ways you can threaten a man with a knife once you already have it in such close proximity to his person. Mostly they involve making small cuts, which Carver found messy and could leave alarming amounts of evidence, and which on rare occasions caused the subject to faint and make it impossible to continue questioning them. Instead, Carver tossed an apple to Butler.
From the sound it made when Butler caught it, the clerk could tell it was hard and fresh. His eyes bulged in horror as he watched Butler gradually tighten his grip on the apple until it exploded. Then Butler stepped forward and gently folded his sticky fingers over the clerk’s right hand.
“I imagine that a man in your profession finds his hands to be among his most valuable resources. Certainly it would be tiresome to write all of these long lines of numbers with your left hand. Or your toes.”
Butler’s grip tightened, ever so slightly. The clerk whimpered.
“I understand that broken bones can be remarkably painful. Do you know how many bones there are in the human hand?”
The clerk whimpered some more.
“I’m sure an educated man such as yourself can imagine how difficult your job would be if something were to happen to your hands. Think what an inconvenience it would be while you waited all that time for all of those little bones to heal. That’s a scenario I think we’d all like to avoid. Why don’t you think a little harder about where Greenway might be, and we -”
“He has a mistress at 32 Spring Street,” the clerk interrupted. Carver frowned in disappointment. He did so hate being interrupted when he was speaking, but it would be a petty man indeed who would punish a man just for being eager to impart the information he was seeking. Carver nodded to Butler, who released his grip on the clerk’s hand. Carver removed the blade of the knife from the clerks’ neck and then deftly used the handle to knock the man unconscious.
“It would appear, Butler, that we have business in Spring Street.”
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no subject
Date: 2008-07-11 07:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-11 08:01 pm (UTC)Edit 1
Date: 2008-07-12 06:41 pm (UTC)Grammar:
Butler then used to rope to carefully— Butler then used the rope to carefully
The man inside looked as if he was much to busy -- The man inside looked as if he were much too busy
--The reason for “were” rather than “was” is that we have an instance where the subjunctive (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/subjunctive) is appropriate. Carver didn’t know for sure that the man was busy—it just looked as if he were. The subjunctive can be difficult to spot in English; many people use preterit instead because it’s become more or less acceptable in casual speech. However, some examples where we can still recognize the subjunctive: “If I were a rich man,” and “I wish I were dead.”
it would be a petty man indeed who would punish a man just for being eager to impart the information he was seeking.—there are too many masculine subjects in this sentence to use the pronoun “he.” It becomes ambiguous because we aren’t sure which “he” you are referring to. There are a few ways you could correct this, but I suggest restructuring the sentence. One possible fix: It would be petty indeed to punish the man just for being eager to impart the information Carver sought.
Style:
In general: there are some places the story could flow better. One way to fix this is to read the story out loud (or better yet have someone else read it out loud to you), and note any parts where the reader stumbled or had to read more than once.
You often qualify your verbs by saying things like “seemed, appeared, etc.” That isn’t wrong, but consider eliminating those words to make the verbs stronger. So, “the clerk’s situation had seemed dire” may become “the clerk’s situation was dire.” Instead of “It seemed to Carver,” consider “Carver believed.”
Carver seems to have a very elevated manner of speech. I really like that idea, especially in contrast to Butler’s silence. It might be fun to go even further with it. What sorts of eccentric language would Carver use?
You start a lot of sentences with Carver. “Carver’s assessment,” “Carver had his knife,” “Carver had been on the verge” -- consider varying your sentence construction.
I love the idea of Butler crushing the apple, but where did Carver get the apple? Does he always carry one? Was it sitting in a silver bowl on the clerk’s desk?
I think this is a great story! I encourage you to really have fun imagining the details of how these two men operate together.
Re: Edit 1
Date: 2008-07-14 04:49 am (UTC)I feel conflicted when it comes to varying sentence construction - rearranging perfectly good sentences to make them look a little different often feels contrived for me, but I will make an effort to put them together differently from time to time. I can see how it gets a bit monotonous if they all start/look the same.
Ah, the bit with the apple - at the time, I thought about saying he got it out of his pocket, but it seemed like an unneeded detail that stalled the action for a moment. If it looked odd to you when you read it then I probably should have put it in after all, though. Maybe I can at least retroactively show where it came from in part 3 (assuming I'm in week 3) by having him produce another apple from his pocket. I can easily picture him peeling or slicing one into segments in a later scene. I couldn't very well call him "Carver" and then not make him handy with a knife, could I? = )
Glad you enjoyed the story, and thanks again for the extensive commentary. I'll try to take it all into consideration for any revisions to this piece, and for next time.
Re: Edit 1
Date: 2008-07-18 01:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-14 06:53 pm (UTC)Speaking of sounds, I hope you've been able to catch Skinny Puppy on their recent reunion tours.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 07:16 am (UTC)Sadly, I've never seen SP live. They were in the area once a while back, but it was going to play havoc with my schedule and was going to be kind of expensive, too.
no subject
Date: 2008-07-14 07:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-15 07:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-07-18 04:56 am (UTC)I'm backup editor for last week's entries.
Let me start by saying I like your idea to continue developing the storyline for each topic. It's a challenge, but a good one that I think could really work!
Grammar editing suggestions:
1. Greenway appeared to a man of reasonable wealth. Being is missing here.
2. Certainly it would be tiresome to write all of these
long lines of numbers with your left hand. Or your toes.” placing a comma between hand and or seems to take away some of the choppiness that having a three-word sentence creates.
3. where Greenway might be, and we -” Just personal preference, maybe, but ... is what I'm most used to seeing when someone has been cut off.
4. He did so hate being interrupted - saying "so" is acceptable when someone is speaking, but isn't really grammatically correct in writing. You could say He hated being interrupted. Also, one of the things I was taught when writing is to try and avoid using the same word twice. Instead of the first occurrance of interrupted, you could try interjected.
Content feedback
Is the corpse disposed of in the first paragraph Mr Baker or someone else? On my first read, I thought it may have been another corpse. After a couple more reads, I realized you were referring to the rope as "it." Is this correct? If the dead body is Mr Baker, perhaps you could mention his name when mentioning the corpse for the first time.
This piece flows nicely, and is easy to read. Good use of paragraphs, including the length, helps make it easy to read.
You are right, this piece works well as a stand alone piece, for anyone who hasn't read the first one.
I like how you chose to end this piece, too. You didn't end it too abruptly, but leave enough unsaid to make me want to read the next chapter. I hope you will continue this, it's great!
no subject
Date: 2008-07-18 06:50 am (UTC)Thanks for catching the missing word in #1. For #2, I thought there would be enough of a pause when he spoke to start a new sentence, but maybe a comma or "..." would have been better. Speaking of "...," I usually read them as someone trailing off, not being cut off, so I'm not sure what to say for #3. I wonder if your reading is standard and that I've just been misreading them. Something I should look into. Finally, I see what you mean about #4. I thought I could get away with it because it was sort of what he was thinking to himself, but I should probably make that more obvious if I'm going to word things that way.
The corpse at the beginning is Baker. I didn't want to have an opening sentence with 3 names in it, particularly for people who didn't read part 1 - I thought it would be a little overwhelming to introduce 3 characters at once, even though they would quickly learn that it's 2 characters and a corpse. I figured identifying the corpse later in the paragraph would be alright, but I should look at that again if it was confusing for you. The "it" you refer to is indeed the rope.
Glad you enjoyed both the piece and my overall plan. I admit, incorporating "it hurts when I do this" into a story featuring a pair of murders wasn't exactly challenging. = )
I'm going to go try to write part 3 right now. I had to wait until I got to see the results of the runoff poll before I knew if I was even still in the competition, and then I just didn't have time in the middle of the week.