fiction - brigits_flame - amber
Oct. 3rd, 2008 04:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwangoThis is my entry for the writing activity on the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
brigits_flame community. I made it through the whole month again! Just like the last time I participated, I decided to write a set of connected stories using the same characters. You don't need to read the other parts for this to make sense, but if you like you can read part 1 (mud) here: http://hwango.livejournal.com/194555.html , part 2 (eternal) here: http://hwango.livejournal.com/195648.html , and part 3 (pregnant) here: http://hwango.livejournal.com/196388.html .
The topic for week #4 of September is "Amber," for which I have written the following:
Of all the incredible things that the renowned explorer Sir Reginald Hatter had seen in his journeys all over the world, the one before him at that moment was unquestionably the most magnificent. It was more amazing than the Singing Monolith of the Zindu, more impressive than the Reverse Waterfall of Klim, and easier to see than the Underground Cathedral of Llu. Also, it was quieter than the Monolith, it hadn't drenched him in scalding, sulfurous water like the Waterfall had, and he didn't have a concussion like the one he had gotten after walking into a stalactite while looking for the Cathedral. All in all, this was the most enjoyable marvel that he had seen in all of his travels, though the moment was somewhat tainted by the fact that forty-seven of his men had died while getting him there.
Sir Hatter turned to one of his surviving crewmen and gestured expansively at the sight before them, the noon sun flashing on his teeth as he grinned with boundless enthusiasm. "Well, Wilkins, what do you say? Shall we take a closer look?"
The man frowned at him. "I'm Roberts, sir," the man said. "Wilkins was eaten by a giant snake two days ago. Remember? The blue one?"
"Ah," Sir Hatter said awkwardly. "Of course, I remember now."
"To answer your question, though," Roberts said, "absolutely not. You promised the men that we were only going as far as the top of this ridge. Ask them to go any further and it wouldn't surprise me if they mutiny." His expression and tone strongly hinted that he would lead the mutiny himself.
"But…but look at it! It's so amazing! Don't you think…?" Sir Hatter trailed off as Roberts subtly shook his head. Crestfallen, Sir Hatter turned away. "Very well. We shall turn back."
It was true that the expedition had turned out to be rather more perilous than Hatter had anticipated. At first glance, the newly-discovered island appeared to be a tropical paradise. It was only once you set foot on the island that you realized that you had just stepped into flammable quicksand, that the vine you had reached for to save yourself was actually the tentacle of a tree squid, and that it was pointless to cry for help because the only person close enough to help you was being eaten by a dinosaur. It was an unbelievably dangerous place.
Undaunted, Sir Hatter had named the island Utopia in accordance with his rather peculiar sense of humor, and then he had led his dwindling supply of men across the treacherous landscape, determined to catalog its wonders in the name of discovery and human perseverance. After many days of arduous travel they had discovered a mountain at the center of the island that had actually turned out to be an enormous crater, and Sir Hatter had led them to the top to see what lay inside. Here, though, the patience of his long-suffering men had finally worn out, and Hatter could go no further.
Sir Hatter took one last forlorn look over his shoulder and vowed one day to return to the island and see up close the marvel that stood in the center of the crater. Alas, Sir Hatter never made that journey, and the task of studying Utopia's most amazing feature fell to other brave men.
* * *
Professor Viktor Flint was thinking about Sir Hatter as he and his companions made their way up the side of the mountain that had come to be called Hatter's Bowl. He was proud to be following in the footsteps of such a great man, although strictly speaking he wasn't literally following in Hatter's footsteps, since instead of making the journey on foot he was riding in a hulking, armored, steam-powered leviathan called the Multi-Terrain Thermovaporous Drive Conveyance. It had been commissioned specifically for this journey by the Burgton Academy for Botanical Research, and the builders had tried to anticipate every possible obstacle and danger that the expedition might encounter. Though the vehicle had performed admirably thus far, the island had turned out to be even more perilous than anyone had anticipated, and the metal skin of the Conveyance was a ruin of dents and scars.
Flint's colleague, Professor Samuel Reuben, was thinking about the same thing that had dominated his thoughts for the past several days – his hated rival, Professor Harold Teiger. A week into their journey across the island the Burgton expedition had encountered another team of explorers in a vehicle similar to their own, this one funded by the Burgton Academy's long-time rival, the Shireford College of Botanical Science. Leading that expedition was the odious Professor Teiger, who had sworn to beat them to the center of the island in the name of his own personal glory rather than the advancement of science and the betterment of humanity. A bitter taste filled Reuben's mouth at the very idea of Teiger reaching the center of the island first. Reuben sipped some tea to wash away the bitterness and calm his nerves.
The final member of the Burgton expedition, Devon Creedy, was thinking about fluffy pillows and a soft mattress. Under the circumstances, however, he would settle for the rather spartan cot in his cabin inside the Conveyance. The relentless pace that they had set for themselves after their meeting with Teiger was taking its toll on him. These days they drove long into the night whenever they dared, but Devon wasn't sure how much longer he could go on before he succumbed to exhaustion. He was the expedition's driver and mechanic as well as being the unofficial bodyguard for the two botanists. Devon kept the Conveyance moving and its passengers alive, each of which was a monumental task all on its own.
The sun was drooping towards the horizon as Devon gradually brought the vehicle to a halt. Devon could hear thunder now that the noise from the turning wheels had stopped, and he looked up to see storm clouds rolling in. He rose from his seat and climbed below decks to give the professors an update.
"You wanted to know when we'd almost reached the top so you could come above decks, but there's a storm coming in, and the light is failing. What do you want to do?" Devon said, hoping that they would do the sane thing and call a halt for the day. The past several days had left him with little doubt of how they would reply, though.
"We can't stop now if we're so close! At least drive us the rest of the way to the top so we can see it," Reuben said. Flint nodded his agreement. Devon sighed and motioned for them to follow him as he climbed back out of the Conveyance. Once outside, the two men stood at the railing near Devon at the front of the vehicle. Devon yawned and then started them forward again.
After a few more moments, the Conveyance reached the top of the ridge, only a few yards from where Sir Hatter himself had stood years ago. Devon's hands slipped from the controls as he stared in amazement, and the vehicle eased gently to a stop.
The three men beheld a tree - a tree of seemingly impossible proportions. At least a thousand feet tall, with a crown just as wide, it could easily have provided shade for one of the great pyramids. Only the depth of the crater allowed them to look down upon it. Sir Hatter had written that the leaf canopy was so thick that it had blocked out all of the noontime sun, and the crown of the tree had seemed to float on a cushion of darkness. With the fading evening light coming in at a lower angle, the three men could barely make out the trunk, and could see that it was thick enough that an entire tall ship could have been carved from it in a single piece. It was the largest living thing yet found on earth, and must have been thousands of years old.
"By God, isn't it magnificent?" Reuben said.
"It certainly is," said Devon breathlessly.
"Absolutely spectacular," Reuben said.
"The way they catch the light of the setting sun, like a thousand jewels," Devon said.
"Yes, like…" Reuben trailed off. What? Did he mean the leaves of the tree? They didn't look much like jewels to Reuben. That, and there were certainly more than a thousand of them. Still, he supposed it didn't matter if Devon wasn't able to effectively articulate his appreciation of the magnificent tree.
"Like frozen fire," Devon said.
This was going too far. The leaves were a rich, luxuriant green, which was not a color common to fire. "Like fire?" Reuben asked.
"Don't you think so?" Devon said, sounding surprised. For a moment, Reuben was at a loss for words.
"No, not really," Reuben finally admitted. "They're a bit green for fire, aren't they?"
"Green? What are you talking about?" Devon said, now sounding every bit as confused as Reuben.
"Why, the leaves of the tree," Reuben said. "What are you talking about?"
Devon stared at him for a moment, and then pointed. "I'm talking about the hundreds of amber spires."
"Oh. Oh, yes!" Reuben said, spotting for the first time the rows upon rows of long, pointed pieces of amber that surrounded the trunk of the tree. Many of them were a dozen feet tall, and they all protruded from the ground facing up and away from the tree, like fortifications against charging cavalry. As Devon had said, the orange light of the setting sun shining on them made them look like pieces of frozen fire. "Yes, they're quite lovely, I suppose."
"It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" Devon said, appalled at Reuben's dismissive attitude.
"What about the tree, man?" Reuben countered, equally upset.
"It's impressive, certainly. I mean, I've never seen one that size. But the amber! That's incredible! I never would have dreamed such a thing existed!"
Simultaneously, both men realized that Professor Flint had spoken of neither marvel, and both turned to see which of them he would side with.
Flint's face was a mask of horror. He pointed, and Flint and Devon turned to look. It was Teiger.
Teiger must have had his men driving in shifts, twenty-four hours a day, in order to catch up with them, but catch up with them he had. He was hundreds of yards away, approaching the bowl from a different angle, but he was just as close to the tree as the Burgton vehicle was, and his vehicle was still moving. It had almost reached the decline of the crater when it jerked suddenly to a stop. A hatch opened on the top, and Teiger climbed partly outside to wave at them. He was far enough away that none of the Burgton men could clearly see his face, but they all knew his expression must be one of smug satisfaction. Teiger disappeared back inside, and the vehicle started forward again.
Huge, heavy drops of rain began to fall. Devon was too stunned to move. Flint was speechless with horror and despair. Reuben, however, was anything but speechless.
"My God, man, get us moving! We can still beat him!" Reuben shouted, but Devon ignored him. It was simply too dangerous to try to race Teiger to the bottom of the crater. His primary task had always been to keep the professors alive. It galled him to see a man like Teiger beat them, but there was nothing he could do now. Teiger had won.
Devon was roused from his despair by the sudden smell of ozone. He looked around frantically.
"What? What is it, man?! Why aren't we moving?!" Reuben was screaming at him. Devon pointed at the sky. Flashes of lightning exploded in the clouds almost continuously. The air felt like lead, and the smell of ozone was rapidly growing stronger. Light flickered in the edges of Devon's vision, and his eyes were drawn back to the floor of the crater. Small bolts of lightning flashed between the huge pieces of amber.
The rain had been growing steadily heavier, and Devon could see tiny rivers of rainwater streaming down the sides of the crater. He looked for Teiger's vehicle and saw it sliding down the slick decline, probably much faster than the driver intended.
A crash of thunder jolted Flint back to awareness of his surroundings. He looked down at the amber spires, which were practically ablaze with lightning now. Teiger's vehicle was spinning completely out of control, and it had almost reached the field of amber spires.
"You know, amber does a have a number of curious electrostatic properties that –" Flint started to say, but the end of his sentence was lost to a thunderous shockwave that sent all three men rocking back on their feet. A bolt of lightning had arced from the amber forest into the Shireford vehicle, which exploded as all of the water in its boiler vaporized at once.
The three men had been momentarily blinded by the flash. As their vision returned, they could see the wreckage illuminated by the electric flashes still dancing across the amber spires. From their current distance it was difficult to be certain, but Devon would guess that no single piece of debris was larger than a dinner plate.
"Damn him," Reuben said quietly. Devon glanced over at him, and could see that all of his anger had drained away, leaving something like pity in its wake.
"Let's get out of this rain," Devon said, and led the two stunned professors back inside to wait out the rest of the storm.
* * *
Teiger's dramatic passing had taken the urgency out of their journey, both because the Burgton scientists were no longer racing anyone to their goal, and also because it had quite effectively communicated the consequences of reckless haste. Still, both Flint and Reuben were eager to see the tree up close, and complained at some length when Devon refused to take the Conveyance down into the crater until the morning sun had dried out the slippery mud covering the slope.
Several hours after sunrise, Devon carefully guided the vehicle down into the crater, trying to keep his eyes on the terrain in front of him. The late morning sun made the amber spires even more brilliant than they had been yesterday, and he found his gaze drifting back to them again and again. At first he had been watchful of them in case he spotted any more electric flashes, but there was no evidence that they were going to be dangerous to approach now that the storm had passed. Now his eyes were drawn to them simply because they were beautiful.
He stopped the vehicle just beyond the ring of amber spikes furthest from the tree. It was possible that the Conveyance could drive right through them without sustaining damage, but Devon thought that such an act would border on sacrilege. Professor Reuben muttered something about having to walk, but Devon didn't think he would seriously consider smashing their way through the amber.
Eager to reach the tree, Professor Reuben set a quick pace through the amber forest, and Devon found himself falling behind. Then he noticed that Professor Flint was still with him rather than rushing ahead like Reuben. At first he thought that Flint was staying close to him in case some new danger presented itself, but then he noticed that Flint wasn't staring up at the tree the whole time, but also seemed to be appreciating the beauty of the amber that surrounded. Flint smiled at Devon and pointed to the nearest piece of amber.
"Do you know what amber is?" Flint asked him.
"Fossilized tree sap, isn't it?" Devon said, and remembered as he answered that Flint had been demonstrating knowledge of the substance just before the explosive end of Teiger's expedition.
"Not exactly. Technically, it's tree resin, which leaks out when a tree is damaged. But it takes millions of years for resin to turn into amber, not to mention that it would have be buried so it didn't degrade from ambient oxygen. This tree," Flint said, pointing ahead of them, "can't actually be that old, and these spires aren't buried. Do you realize what that means?"
"No," Devon said, unashamed of his ignorance of the subject.
Flint paused. "I'm not sure that I do either," he admitted. "It seems likely, though, that millions of years ago there used to be another tree here. Something cataclysmic must have happened to it. The resin must have been buried, turned into amber, and has since been unearthed by erosion. I wonder how big that tree must have been, and how old it must have been to grow so large."
Devon had never been a particularly religious man, but his memory nevertheless summoned up a story that prominently featured a tree and the wrath of god. He looked around at the spikes of amber that might have been the remains of a tree that, millions of years ago, had already been old. It was a silly thought, he knew, but if the tree turned out to bear fruit, Devon nevertheless resolved not to eat any, just in case.
brigits_flame community. I made it through the whole month again! Just like the last time I participated, I decided to write a set of connected stories using the same characters. You don't need to read the other parts for this to make sense, but if you like you can read part 1 (mud) here: http://hwango.livejournal.com/194555.html , part 2 (eternal) here: http://hwango.livejournal.com/195648.html , and part 3 (pregnant) here: http://hwango.livejournal.com/196388.html . The topic for week #4 of September is "Amber," for which I have written the following:
Of all the incredible things that the renowned explorer Sir Reginald Hatter had seen in his journeys all over the world, the one before him at that moment was unquestionably the most magnificent. It was more amazing than the Singing Monolith of the Zindu, more impressive than the Reverse Waterfall of Klim, and easier to see than the Underground Cathedral of Llu. Also, it was quieter than the Monolith, it hadn't drenched him in scalding, sulfurous water like the Waterfall had, and he didn't have a concussion like the one he had gotten after walking into a stalactite while looking for the Cathedral. All in all, this was the most enjoyable marvel that he had seen in all of his travels, though the moment was somewhat tainted by the fact that forty-seven of his men had died while getting him there.
Sir Hatter turned to one of his surviving crewmen and gestured expansively at the sight before them, the noon sun flashing on his teeth as he grinned with boundless enthusiasm. "Well, Wilkins, what do you say? Shall we take a closer look?"
The man frowned at him. "I'm Roberts, sir," the man said. "Wilkins was eaten by a giant snake two days ago. Remember? The blue one?"
"Ah," Sir Hatter said awkwardly. "Of course, I remember now."
"To answer your question, though," Roberts said, "absolutely not. You promised the men that we were only going as far as the top of this ridge. Ask them to go any further and it wouldn't surprise me if they mutiny." His expression and tone strongly hinted that he would lead the mutiny himself.
"But…but look at it! It's so amazing! Don't you think…?" Sir Hatter trailed off as Roberts subtly shook his head. Crestfallen, Sir Hatter turned away. "Very well. We shall turn back."
It was true that the expedition had turned out to be rather more perilous than Hatter had anticipated. At first glance, the newly-discovered island appeared to be a tropical paradise. It was only once you set foot on the island that you realized that you had just stepped into flammable quicksand, that the vine you had reached for to save yourself was actually the tentacle of a tree squid, and that it was pointless to cry for help because the only person close enough to help you was being eaten by a dinosaur. It was an unbelievably dangerous place.
Undaunted, Sir Hatter had named the island Utopia in accordance with his rather peculiar sense of humor, and then he had led his dwindling supply of men across the treacherous landscape, determined to catalog its wonders in the name of discovery and human perseverance. After many days of arduous travel they had discovered a mountain at the center of the island that had actually turned out to be an enormous crater, and Sir Hatter had led them to the top to see what lay inside. Here, though, the patience of his long-suffering men had finally worn out, and Hatter could go no further.
Sir Hatter took one last forlorn look over his shoulder and vowed one day to return to the island and see up close the marvel that stood in the center of the crater. Alas, Sir Hatter never made that journey, and the task of studying Utopia's most amazing feature fell to other brave men.
Professor Viktor Flint was thinking about Sir Hatter as he and his companions made their way up the side of the mountain that had come to be called Hatter's Bowl. He was proud to be following in the footsteps of such a great man, although strictly speaking he wasn't literally following in Hatter's footsteps, since instead of making the journey on foot he was riding in a hulking, armored, steam-powered leviathan called the Multi-Terrain Thermovaporous Drive Conveyance. It had been commissioned specifically for this journey by the Burgton Academy for Botanical Research, and the builders had tried to anticipate every possible obstacle and danger that the expedition might encounter. Though the vehicle had performed admirably thus far, the island had turned out to be even more perilous than anyone had anticipated, and the metal skin of the Conveyance was a ruin of dents and scars.
Flint's colleague, Professor Samuel Reuben, was thinking about the same thing that had dominated his thoughts for the past several days – his hated rival, Professor Harold Teiger. A week into their journey across the island the Burgton expedition had encountered another team of explorers in a vehicle similar to their own, this one funded by the Burgton Academy's long-time rival, the Shireford College of Botanical Science. Leading that expedition was the odious Professor Teiger, who had sworn to beat them to the center of the island in the name of his own personal glory rather than the advancement of science and the betterment of humanity. A bitter taste filled Reuben's mouth at the very idea of Teiger reaching the center of the island first. Reuben sipped some tea to wash away the bitterness and calm his nerves.
The final member of the Burgton expedition, Devon Creedy, was thinking about fluffy pillows and a soft mattress. Under the circumstances, however, he would settle for the rather spartan cot in his cabin inside the Conveyance. The relentless pace that they had set for themselves after their meeting with Teiger was taking its toll on him. These days they drove long into the night whenever they dared, but Devon wasn't sure how much longer he could go on before he succumbed to exhaustion. He was the expedition's driver and mechanic as well as being the unofficial bodyguard for the two botanists. Devon kept the Conveyance moving and its passengers alive, each of which was a monumental task all on its own.
The sun was drooping towards the horizon as Devon gradually brought the vehicle to a halt. Devon could hear thunder now that the noise from the turning wheels had stopped, and he looked up to see storm clouds rolling in. He rose from his seat and climbed below decks to give the professors an update.
"You wanted to know when we'd almost reached the top so you could come above decks, but there's a storm coming in, and the light is failing. What do you want to do?" Devon said, hoping that they would do the sane thing and call a halt for the day. The past several days had left him with little doubt of how they would reply, though.
"We can't stop now if we're so close! At least drive us the rest of the way to the top so we can see it," Reuben said. Flint nodded his agreement. Devon sighed and motioned for them to follow him as he climbed back out of the Conveyance. Once outside, the two men stood at the railing near Devon at the front of the vehicle. Devon yawned and then started them forward again.
After a few more moments, the Conveyance reached the top of the ridge, only a few yards from where Sir Hatter himself had stood years ago. Devon's hands slipped from the controls as he stared in amazement, and the vehicle eased gently to a stop.
The three men beheld a tree - a tree of seemingly impossible proportions. At least a thousand feet tall, with a crown just as wide, it could easily have provided shade for one of the great pyramids. Only the depth of the crater allowed them to look down upon it. Sir Hatter had written that the leaf canopy was so thick that it had blocked out all of the noontime sun, and the crown of the tree had seemed to float on a cushion of darkness. With the fading evening light coming in at a lower angle, the three men could barely make out the trunk, and could see that it was thick enough that an entire tall ship could have been carved from it in a single piece. It was the largest living thing yet found on earth, and must have been thousands of years old.
"By God, isn't it magnificent?" Reuben said.
"It certainly is," said Devon breathlessly.
"Absolutely spectacular," Reuben said.
"The way they catch the light of the setting sun, like a thousand jewels," Devon said.
"Yes, like…" Reuben trailed off. What? Did he mean the leaves of the tree? They didn't look much like jewels to Reuben. That, and there were certainly more than a thousand of them. Still, he supposed it didn't matter if Devon wasn't able to effectively articulate his appreciation of the magnificent tree.
"Like frozen fire," Devon said.
This was going too far. The leaves were a rich, luxuriant green, which was not a color common to fire. "Like fire?" Reuben asked.
"Don't you think so?" Devon said, sounding surprised. For a moment, Reuben was at a loss for words.
"No, not really," Reuben finally admitted. "They're a bit green for fire, aren't they?"
"Green? What are you talking about?" Devon said, now sounding every bit as confused as Reuben.
"Why, the leaves of the tree," Reuben said. "What are you talking about?"
Devon stared at him for a moment, and then pointed. "I'm talking about the hundreds of amber spires."
"Oh. Oh, yes!" Reuben said, spotting for the first time the rows upon rows of long, pointed pieces of amber that surrounded the trunk of the tree. Many of them were a dozen feet tall, and they all protruded from the ground facing up and away from the tree, like fortifications against charging cavalry. As Devon had said, the orange light of the setting sun shining on them made them look like pieces of frozen fire. "Yes, they're quite lovely, I suppose."
"It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" Devon said, appalled at Reuben's dismissive attitude.
"What about the tree, man?" Reuben countered, equally upset.
"It's impressive, certainly. I mean, I've never seen one that size. But the amber! That's incredible! I never would have dreamed such a thing existed!"
Simultaneously, both men realized that Professor Flint had spoken of neither marvel, and both turned to see which of them he would side with.
Flint's face was a mask of horror. He pointed, and Flint and Devon turned to look. It was Teiger.
Teiger must have had his men driving in shifts, twenty-four hours a day, in order to catch up with them, but catch up with them he had. He was hundreds of yards away, approaching the bowl from a different angle, but he was just as close to the tree as the Burgton vehicle was, and his vehicle was still moving. It had almost reached the decline of the crater when it jerked suddenly to a stop. A hatch opened on the top, and Teiger climbed partly outside to wave at them. He was far enough away that none of the Burgton men could clearly see his face, but they all knew his expression must be one of smug satisfaction. Teiger disappeared back inside, and the vehicle started forward again.
Huge, heavy drops of rain began to fall. Devon was too stunned to move. Flint was speechless with horror and despair. Reuben, however, was anything but speechless.
"My God, man, get us moving! We can still beat him!" Reuben shouted, but Devon ignored him. It was simply too dangerous to try to race Teiger to the bottom of the crater. His primary task had always been to keep the professors alive. It galled him to see a man like Teiger beat them, but there was nothing he could do now. Teiger had won.
Devon was roused from his despair by the sudden smell of ozone. He looked around frantically.
"What? What is it, man?! Why aren't we moving?!" Reuben was screaming at him. Devon pointed at the sky. Flashes of lightning exploded in the clouds almost continuously. The air felt like lead, and the smell of ozone was rapidly growing stronger. Light flickered in the edges of Devon's vision, and his eyes were drawn back to the floor of the crater. Small bolts of lightning flashed between the huge pieces of amber.
The rain had been growing steadily heavier, and Devon could see tiny rivers of rainwater streaming down the sides of the crater. He looked for Teiger's vehicle and saw it sliding down the slick decline, probably much faster than the driver intended.
A crash of thunder jolted Flint back to awareness of his surroundings. He looked down at the amber spires, which were practically ablaze with lightning now. Teiger's vehicle was spinning completely out of control, and it had almost reached the field of amber spires.
"You know, amber does a have a number of curious electrostatic properties that –" Flint started to say, but the end of his sentence was lost to a thunderous shockwave that sent all three men rocking back on their feet. A bolt of lightning had arced from the amber forest into the Shireford vehicle, which exploded as all of the water in its boiler vaporized at once.
The three men had been momentarily blinded by the flash. As their vision returned, they could see the wreckage illuminated by the electric flashes still dancing across the amber spires. From their current distance it was difficult to be certain, but Devon would guess that no single piece of debris was larger than a dinner plate.
"Damn him," Reuben said quietly. Devon glanced over at him, and could see that all of his anger had drained away, leaving something like pity in its wake.
"Let's get out of this rain," Devon said, and led the two stunned professors back inside to wait out the rest of the storm.
Teiger's dramatic passing had taken the urgency out of their journey, both because the Burgton scientists were no longer racing anyone to their goal, and also because it had quite effectively communicated the consequences of reckless haste. Still, both Flint and Reuben were eager to see the tree up close, and complained at some length when Devon refused to take the Conveyance down into the crater until the morning sun had dried out the slippery mud covering the slope.
Several hours after sunrise, Devon carefully guided the vehicle down into the crater, trying to keep his eyes on the terrain in front of him. The late morning sun made the amber spires even more brilliant than they had been yesterday, and he found his gaze drifting back to them again and again. At first he had been watchful of them in case he spotted any more electric flashes, but there was no evidence that they were going to be dangerous to approach now that the storm had passed. Now his eyes were drawn to them simply because they were beautiful.
He stopped the vehicle just beyond the ring of amber spikes furthest from the tree. It was possible that the Conveyance could drive right through them without sustaining damage, but Devon thought that such an act would border on sacrilege. Professor Reuben muttered something about having to walk, but Devon didn't think he would seriously consider smashing their way through the amber.
Eager to reach the tree, Professor Reuben set a quick pace through the amber forest, and Devon found himself falling behind. Then he noticed that Professor Flint was still with him rather than rushing ahead like Reuben. At first he thought that Flint was staying close to him in case some new danger presented itself, but then he noticed that Flint wasn't staring up at the tree the whole time, but also seemed to be appreciating the beauty of the amber that surrounded. Flint smiled at Devon and pointed to the nearest piece of amber.
"Do you know what amber is?" Flint asked him.
"Fossilized tree sap, isn't it?" Devon said, and remembered as he answered that Flint had been demonstrating knowledge of the substance just before the explosive end of Teiger's expedition.
"Not exactly. Technically, it's tree resin, which leaks out when a tree is damaged. But it takes millions of years for resin to turn into amber, not to mention that it would have be buried so it didn't degrade from ambient oxygen. This tree," Flint said, pointing ahead of them, "can't actually be that old, and these spires aren't buried. Do you realize what that means?"
"No," Devon said, unashamed of his ignorance of the subject.
Flint paused. "I'm not sure that I do either," he admitted. "It seems likely, though, that millions of years ago there used to be another tree here. Something cataclysmic must have happened to it. The resin must have been buried, turned into amber, and has since been unearthed by erosion. I wonder how big that tree must have been, and how old it must have been to grow so large."
Devon had never been a particularly religious man, but his memory nevertheless summoned up a story that prominently featured a tree and the wrath of god. He looked around at the spikes of amber that might have been the remains of a tree that, millions of years ago, had already been old. It was a silly thought, he knew, but if the tree turned out to bear fruit, Devon nevertheless resolved not to eat any, just in case.
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no subject
Date: 2008-10-03 08:31 pm (UTC)One thing I really liked about this piece is the way that, at the end of it, it seems to bring back the other weeks' topics - the mudslide that removed their rival, the eternal qualities of the giant tree and its amber as well as a previous ancient tree, and the pregnant quality of the fruit on the tree. Maybe I'm reading too much into all of that, and it's really just a coincidence, but if so, I salute your subconscious! Those references, to me, really brought this full circle and made it that much better.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-03 11:38 pm (UTC)Glad it all tied up neatly for you. = ) My subconscious snuck in all kinds of things that I has happy to notice while I was working on this.
Edit! (part 1)
Date: 2008-10-13 01:24 am (UTC)So! Back on topic, your edit. A few minor problems I've noticed that kind of stretch across the entire story:
1. You use the word "said" an awful lot. This is good because it means you don't start using things like "uttered" and "vocalized" without good reason, but you also forget to use other useful things such as "asked" and "answered" or "replied". Personally, I'd like to see a little bit more variance there, but I have every faith that you won't turn into a Mary-Sue-style author whose characters declare and announce everything without ever saying anything.
2. Sometimes, you say a person's name too many times in one paragraph. Too little can be confusing, yes, but too much just becomes tedious. For example, the entire section with Sir Hatter: I actually just checked, and there is only one sentence that talks about him directly without saying his name, and in that sentence, the emphasis is very clearly on the locations being described. Another example, also in that section: The man frowned at him. "I'm Roberts, sir," the man said. A few pronouns can go a long way. The only thing to watch out for there, which applies to you more than to many people, is that your sentences tend to be long and involved - if there is any doubt about to whom the pronoun will refer, don't use it, but oftentimes it can help the flow of the story:
Sir Hatter took one last forlorn look over his shoulder and vowed one day to return to the island and see up close the marvel that stood in the center of the crater. Alas, he never made that journey, and the task of studying Utopia's most amazing feature fell to other brave men.
3. Commas. To be more specific two kinds of comma problems:
3.a: Joining two sentences with a conjunction. When both sides of the conjunction are independent phrases (i.e. have both a subject and a verb), a comma is required (e.g. "People read your stories, and they love your writing."), but when only one side is independent and the other is dependent (i.e. a verb but no subject), commas are essentially forbidden (e.g. "People read your stories and love them."). By explaining this, I'm not trying to imply that you don't know the difference between the two, but it always helps me to see an explanation with examples, even if I already know the rule, if I'm going to go correct my errors and try to avoid making them in the future. Also, if someone else reads this and learns something, I'd count myself a success.
3.b: I have no idea what they're called, but when you have a little tiny phrase just kind of stuck onto the beginning of the sentence, English word order prefers a comma to follow it. What I mean by this: You could say "We went fishing yesterday", but if you wanted to put the time first, you would have to say "Yesterday, we went fishing" so that the verb could still be the second element in the main clause of the sentence. As with all things, you do this correctly as much if not more than you do it incorrectly. This gets tricky when it's placed into a more complex sentence, as with this one:
He was proud to be following in the footsteps of such a great man, although, strictly speaking, he wasn't literally following in Hatter's footsteps, since instead of making the journey on foot, he was riding in a hulking, armored, steam-powered leviathan called the Multi-Terrain Thermovaporous Drive Conveyance.
At the same time, this is one of those rules that is fast going out of style.
Specific notes to follow. Sorry about the incredible long-winded-ness of this already.
Edit! (part 2)
Date: 2008-10-13 02:08 am (UTC)None of these common errors are prevalent or noticeable enough to detract much, if any, from your writing. You could probably ignore everything I've said above, and nobody would care a whole lot. On the other hand, most people probably wouldn't notice if you did start to do all of them completely accurately 100% of the time, but those of us who would notice would definitely have even more respect for you than we already do.
For the specific editing, I'll try to refrain from mentioning any of the "common errors" unless you'd like me to go through and highlight the ones I noticed - just let me know.
Strikethroughshows that I am suggesting a deletion, bold an addition, and italics are my comments. Underlining something is just to draw attention to it for the comments. I hope this helps you, and feel free to question and/or ignore any of my suggestions. I did an edit on the first week of this, too, so hopefully you didn't mind my particular style too much...Of all the incredible things that the renowned explorer Sir Reginald Hatter had seen in his journeys all over the world...
I think you could probably use a word a bit less, uhm, common than "things" - possibly "incredible sights", but then you'd be getting into "the sights he'd seen". Spectacles, marvels, or wonders - you use "marvel" later, but "wonders" or even "scenes" might work.
I like
At first glance, the newly-discovered island appeared to be a tropical paradise. It was only once you set foot on the island that you realized... repetition - Besides the obvious "on it", you could say "on this nirvana".
...that the vine you had reached for to save yourself was actually the tentacle of a tree squid... Seriously, if there is one bit of grammar everybody ignores, it has to be this. Except for veryveryvery rare cases (can't think of any at the moment, sorry), a preposition has to have a phrase. This should technically be "the vine for which you had reached". Most people will think this reads awkwardly and is outdated (which it almost is). I never expect people to actually change this, but I can't in good conscience *not* point it out.
Killer island description! (and dear god, that was an accidental pun.)
Sir Hatter took one last forlorn look over his shoulder and vowed one day to return to the island and see
up closethe marvel that stood in the center of the crater up close. Using "and" makes it two separate things that he is vowing; using "to" or "in order to" makes it one vow. (Does that explanation make sense?)...although strictly speaking, he wasn't literally following in Hatter's footsteps... It seems redundant to say both "strictly speaking" and "literally".
Leading that expedition was the odious Professor Teiger, who had sworn to beat them to the center of the island in the name of his own personal glory rather than that of the advancement of science and
thebetterment of humanity.Reuben sipped some tea to wash away the bitterness and calm his nerves. There's something about sipping *tea* to remove bitterness... assuming he's the tea purist I picture... Great great great sentence.
The relentless pace that they had set for themselves after
theirmeetingwithTeiger was taking its toll on him. This cut serves two purposes: first, makes the sentence more concise; second, makes it slightly more accurate, at least in my eyes. When you say "a meeting with X", I imagine something formal and prearranged (except for something like "a meeting with Death", but that's a whole different matter). However, if you just say "after meeting Teiger", it shows that it was a surprise to see him.I really like the way you brought new writers up to speed through each person's thoughts, because those who have been reading all along don't feel as though it's repetitive or boring. The personal opinions from each of them are really great.
Edit! (part 3)
Date: 2008-10-13 02:30 am (UTC)However, the past several days had left him with little doubt of how they would reply
,though. It's more effective to get the little disagreeing word as close to between the two ideas as possible - i.e. the beginning of this sentence rather than the end.At least a thousand feet tall, with a crown just as wide, it could
easilyhave easily provided shade for one of the great pyramids. I have no reasons for this. I just think it sounds better.With the fading light coming in at a lower angle, the three men could barely make out the trunk,
andbut they could see it was thick enough that an entire tall ship could have been carved from it in a single piece. From barely being able to see to seeing something is more of a contradiction than anything else - "but" would be more effective than "and" in my eyes.Many of them were at least a dozen feet tall, and they all protruded from the ground facing up and away from the tree
likeas though they were fortifications against a charging cavalry.Simultaneously, both men realized that Professor Flint had spoken of neither marvel, and both turned to see which of them he would side with. "with which of them he would side" or (better) "with whom he would side" - again, grammar that might just make you sound pretentious if used correctly.
Small bolts of lightning flashed between the huge pieces of amber. To avoid the repetition with "lightning", you could try saying "electricity".
A crash of thunder jolted Flint back into awareness of his surroundings.
The three men had been momentarily blinded by the flash. As their vision returned... I would join these to make one sentence: "...blinded by the flash, but as their vision returned..."
Teiger's dramatic passing had taken the urgency out of their journey, both because the Burgton scientists were no longer racing anyone to their goal and
alsobecause it had quite effectively communicated the consequences of reckless haste.At first, he had been watchful of them in case he spotted any more electric flashes... He is being watchful so that he will spot the flashes in the case of their existence. Maybe "in case there were any more electric flashes"
... now that the storm had passed. Now his eyes were drawn to them simply because they were beautiful. repetition
Edit! (last part)
Date: 2008-10-13 02:31 am (UTC)At first, he thought that Flint was staying close to him in case some new danger presented itself, but then he noticed that Flint wasn't staring up at the tree the whole time, but also seemed to be appreciating the beauty of the amber that surrounded. The amber that surrounded... surrounded what? This technically needs a noun at the end, even if we know what it is surrounding. However, to avoid this and also help reduce wordiness, you could say "the beauty of the surrounding amber."
"No," Devon said, unashamed of his ignorance
ofon the subject.Devon had never been a particularly religious man, but his memory nevertheless summoned up a story that prominently featured a tree and the wrath of God. Since that's, you know, the name of the specific god to which you're referring.
It was a silly thought, he knew, but if the tree turned out to bear fruit, Devon
neverthelessresolved not to eat any, just in case. It's repetitive (from the first sentence of the paragraph) as well as redundant ("just in case").Again, if you'd like specific instances of the general mistakes, just let me know - they're pretty much marked on paper, so it would just be a matter of throwing that info onto the computer. If it would help you, it's not a problem at all! I also think there are some more little tiny "Well, this might be a better way to phrase it" sections or "This could be a bit more concise" sections (and looking at the size of my edit, I feel like a hypocrite suggesting conciseness, lol), so I'll be taking another look at that tomorrow if you'd like. Thanks for putting up with this ridiculously long edit (I really need to work on making them shorter in the future); I hope it helps you! I love reading your work, and I love editing it even more - it's already so good!
Re: Edit! (last part)
Date: 2008-10-13 06:26 am (UTC)I do remember our previous discussion regarding my comma problem. I'm really trying! I can see that I still have work to do in that area, but I'll keep trying to police myself better about that sort of thing.
Glad the recap method worked for you. One of the hardest things about writing the serial fiction has been trying to recap for new readers without boring those who have already read the other parts. It's one of the reasons I'm taking a break from serial fiction this month (though I'm sure I could quite happily write more about Klaus and Uzik).
Near the end, the bit about the "beauty of the amber that surrounded" - I think I just left off a "them." That's not a stylistic thing. It's just a typo. = )
On ending sentences with prepositions: I know it's forbidden, and the only place I did it on purpose was in "...turned to see which of them he would side with," because the correct phrasing was going to sound too clunky. Shame on me, I know. However, I missed the one in the bit about reaching for vines and getting tree squid instead. That part is so stuffy that I could probably use the proper grammar and it would fit in just fine.
Thanks for taking the time to do a full edit. It seems that recently a lot of my editors have had distractions in real life, forgotten about me, or run screaming into the hills when they find out they have been assigned to edit 2,889 words. = )
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Date: 2008-10-03 10:00 pm (UTC)Brilliant. I see you're taking something of a slow-down with this piece as opposed to the suspense-filled battle of last week, give the characters more time to develop themselves (I loved Devon's reaction to the tree - and the funny dialogue with them talking about different things, of course. LOL. XD) You have such a good handle on the vocabulary range of this story, what words you use and shouldn't use to really let the reader be in that time, your dialogues are excellently vivid (I hate dialogue that seems forced and put-on) and your descriptions of the giant tree were downright gorgeous. When Teiger's vehicle was claimed by the erosion, I actually held my breath reading (Rule of thumb: Loud laughing/gasping/squeaking/holding breath while I read = You have won me over)
It's just...I'd die for a novel made out of this.
Which doesn't make sense because if I died, I'd be dead and couldn't read the novel. Silly me.
You rock. Seriously.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-03 11:56 pm (UTC)Speaking of novels, though, it amazes me to look back and see that I wrote 11,000 words for these stories this month, which is more than double what I wrote last time. Maybe there's some hope for NaNoWriMo this year after all. = )
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Date: 2008-10-04 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-04 01:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-09 02:37 am (UTC)My only two suggestions are such: 1. write more of this, and quickly (please :D), and 2. Roberts subtly shook his head I think vehemently would go better here, to reinforce just how much Roberts wants to keep living.
This was a real joy to read. I had Stephen Fry's voice in my head while going through it, which just made it even funnier. Wonderful work! I'm excited to see what you write in the future!
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Date: 2008-10-09 03:06 am (UTC)I see what you mean about the subtle head-shake. When I wrote that bit I had imagined the rest of the men watching from a distance, and Roberts trying to be subtle so it wouldn't appear to them that he and Hatter were arguing, lest that make them so something rash...but then I didn't write that part in, so it doesn't make any sense! = )
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Date: 2008-10-14 02:14 pm (UTC)So if you don't mind, I would like to give more a view of what I saw from the piece as a reader looking at this as a standalone.
One thing I must say in contrast to the other editor is I didn't mind the use of the word said. But that could be because I am used to using the word a lot myself. I personally don't like using another word for said for the sake of using another word. If something is a reply, sure, use reply instead of said. If something was shouted as an urge, then use urged. Otherwise, I think use of the word said is a good thing. That is because I noticed there are so many different words in your story.
I realize that probably sounds like the dumbest comment ever made, but what I mean to say is when you look at your prose, it's like stepping into Willie Wonka's chocolate factory. There are so many colorful phrases and quirky names and visual adjectives. That is why having a standard said doesn't hurt the work because there is so much stuff for your brain to intake.
I think this is one of those pieces that really couldn't stand alone -- someone couldn't come in and pick up what is going on. But that is OK because it is part of a larger piece.
Your descriptions are well done, and your dialogue is tight.
I will say, there are a lot of characters strewn within this piece, and that can be tough to deal with as a reader. However, that is a hard thing to say again, because this is not a standalone, and more importantly, not the first story within the series. But that might be something to think about when developing this piece. At some point, you may find yourself with one too many named characters and it might be necessary to pull that character down a notch to a secondary character so that the reader can concentrate on more important characters. Just a thought.
I don't know if this is helpful, but my favorite part was that of Sir Hatter. His character made me want to read more. I could envision him better than any other character, although with just one line about mattresses and pillows, I could automatically envision Creedy. That is what I like, you leave things to the writer's imagination and I liked that.
I don't know if this helps, and if you have any comments, please let me know.
Thanks for letting me edit.
- Jean
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Date: 2008-10-15 06:12 am (UTC)Sorry to hear you don't think this one could work on its own. I suppose there is an awful lot to recap by the time we've hit part 4, though, so I can understand. I realize now that including the intro with Hatter was probably bad for new readers, because it looks like I introduced some characters and then quickly abandoned them. People who read the other 3 would realize that it was sort of a flashback.
Glad you enjoyed the bit with Hatter, though. Maybe I could do more with him someday, too. It would be sort of a spinoff from this series.
Thanks very much for your comments and suggestions!
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Date: 2009-08-30 03:56 pm (UTC)I'd really love to see such a tree. It does sound magnificent, and I can't qutie imagine an even greater tree before it! (Wonder why it died though? Or did it regenerate?) I agree with
Thanks for the read! =D
no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 06:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 10:06 am (UTC)