hwango

Hello, children. Where have I been? Why, I was just out taking a relaxing walk in the woods. Avoiding you? Hah! What a charming notion.

Yes, fine, a story. Let's see. Ah, I have just the thing.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, two young children became lost in the woods. What? No, this isn't the story of Hansel and Gretel either. Why do you assume every story about two children lost in the woods is going to be Hansel and Gretel? Lots of children get lost in the woods and meet terrible fates.

These particular lost children were a brother and sister named Herbert and Griselda. Unlike Hansel and Gretel, who were purposefully abandoned in the woods by awful people, Herbert and Griselda had run away from home because their parents had been replaced by soulless doppelgangers who were mean and awful people who didn't love them. Or at least that's what Herbert and Griselda believed. Possibly there was another explanation for why they had not been allowed to have dessert for breakfast. Regardless, they were now lost and frightened and wanted to go home and see if maybe their real parents were back and whether oatmeal might not be such a bad thing.

As they wandered, Griselda spotted what appeared to be a trail of breadcrumbs. The children weren't sure who would be leaving a trail like that in the woods besides lost and unwanted children, but they reasoned that whoever it was at least appeared to have some bread, and that made them better off than Herbert and Griselda, who were becoming tired and hungry in addition to being lost and frightened. So they attempted to follow the trail. Alas, they had been following it for only a few minutes before they discovered it was being eaten by birds, and all too soon the trail was gone.

Then Herbert spotted what appeared to be a trail of berries. Herbert wasn't sure if they were safe to eat or not, but at least they were a trail of some kind, and following them seemed preferable to more aimless wandering. So they attempted to follow the trail. Alas, they had been following it for a only a few minutes before they discovered that it too was being eaten by birds, and all too soon the trail was gone. Herbert and Griselda found that they were quickly coming to despise birds.

Then Herbert and Griselda spotted what appeared to be a trail of human teeth.

Now, I'm sure you can imagine how conflicted Herbert and Griselda felt about this discovery. On the one hand, it was a trail, which might be considered better than no trail. Further, it was a trail of something not likely to be eaten by birds while one was trying to follow it. On the other hand, however, at one end of the trail they would find someone who was leaving a trail of human teeth, and at the other end they would find a place that the tooth-carrying someone wanted to return to. The children were uncertain which of these was preferable to the other, and if either was truly a desirable destination at all. In the end, however, they decided that it was getting cold and dark and that they had better follow the trail and hope for the best.

Now, unknown to Herbert and Griselda, the birds that had eaten the trails of breadcrumbs and berries were actually kindly forest spirits who had been trying to keep the children out of danger. The breadcrumbs had led to the home of cannibalistic witch who had left the trail based on a very convoluted recollection of the fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel, and the berries led to the home of a cannibalistic witch who had left the trail based on a very convoluted recollection of the fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel and who was a lousy baker. The birds attempted to carry off enough of the teeth to obscure this latest trail as well, but Herbert and Griselda hurried down the path and threw stones at them, chasing them away.

And so after several minutes of following the trail of teeth in the ever-diminishing light, Herbert and Griselda found themselves at the mouth of a cave. Weirdly unwholesome yellow light poured from the opening in the rock. They could hear the unsettling echoes of unsettling clicking noises like teeth being poured onto a large pile of teeth, which seemed like they were probably exactly what they sounded like. Herbert and Griselda looked at each other in horror as they realized where they were.

The cave of the Tooth Fairy.

And so they ran away as fast as they possibly could. They ran despite the darkness and the cold and exhaustion, and they did not stop until they finally collapsed, unable to run another step. But as long and as far as they had run, still, audible even over the muddled sounds of their sobs and their gasps for breath...a horrible clicking.

The lesson to be learned here is that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Also, sometimes you try to help someone and all you get for your trouble is rocks thrown at you, but at least your conscience will be clear because you tried to help those poor children avoid their terrible, terrible fate.

Now go away, it's time for lunch. I think I'll make some oatmeal.