LPF week 19 - rancor

[hwango]

"It's the final challenge of the semifinals," said one of the hosts. "For one of you, this will be your last ever Showstopper Challenge." Everyone had a few seconds for this dramatic pronouncement to sink in, and then the other host spoke.

"This is the last chance any of you have to impress the judges before they determine who will be going on to the finals, and who will be going home. Today, the judges would like you to make - a curmudgeon." The other host smoothly took over the patter again.

"You may use any method and life experiences that you like to create your curmudgeon, but the final product must be a bitter, ill-tempered shell of a human being."

"On your marks!" "Get set!" "Bake!" As always, their enthusiasm was simultaneously charming and slightly embarrassing.

The four bakers scrambled into action. The two judges walked over to the first workstation, where one of the bakers was already busily crafting the events and circumstances that would shape the life of his curmudgeon.

"Tell us about your showstopper," said the first judge.

"My curmudgeon is choosing personal wealth over human attachment, and then in his later years ultimately realizing that his wealth brings him no joy whatsoever." The baker continued stirring the ingredients for some formative school years as he spoke. "At that point it's too late for him to try to connect with people, and so he'll just retreat even further into his work and his money until he ultimately dies alone and unloved."

"That sounds delicious," said one of the judges, "but how are you going achieve that level of isolation?"

"Well, he'll lose his family quite young, and then have a serious romantic relationship that will end badly. He'll decide it's better not to open himself up the possibility of being hurt like that again, and he'll push away anyone he might come to care about even a little bit."

"All right, good luck." The judges moved on to the next workstation. "Okay then, tell us about your curmudgeon."

"I'm going to start my curmudgeon off with a happy early life and then a brief period of success. Then, when it all comes crashing down, he'll know exactly what he lost, and that should really crank up the bitterness and resentment he feels for people who still have things that make them happy."

"Are you worried that there might be any lingering sweetness from his early happiness?" asked one of the judges.

"No, I'm going to pour in so much misery you won't be able to taste even a hint of joy," the baker said.

"Okay then," said the judge.

"What sort of success are they going to have?" asked the other judge.

"Well, I'm going to go with traditional flavors like a career and a marriage, but eventually he'll lose both of those. The catalyst for the collapse is going to be his participation in a competitive amateur baking television program."

"How meta!" said the first judge.

"He'll make it all the way to the semifinals and then suffer a humiliating failure during the final challenge that will lead him to give up baking entirely."

"That sounds wonderful. Best of luck to you," said the second judge.

The third baker was preparing a recluse who retreated completely from the world after the industry he worked in simply ceased to exist, leaving him to feel that he didn't really have a place in the world at all anymore. The judges cautioned her that her curmudgeon might turn out more sad than bitter, but she was confident she could make it work. Then the judges moved on to the fourth baker.

"I'm making a writer," she said.

"Ooh!" said one of the judges, "that's a risky move!"

"We want bitterness, but there's such a thing as too much bitterness, you know." said the other judge. All three of them laughed at that.

"My curmudgeon is going to write several novels, but be unable to get any of them published. He'll watch best-selling authors spew out a steady stream of garbage that will sell on the basis of their existing fame, and which people will read and claim to like because they've been conditioned to think that it's good. Meanwhile, his own work will be regarded as too weird for mainstream audiences, and he'll be rejected again and again."

"Are you worried about your curmudgeon curdling into a full-blown misanthrope?"

"I think as long as I cook him at a low enough temperature he'll -"

"Oh no!" cried the first semifinalist in despair. The two hosts rushed over to see what the excitement was about. The judges watched from afar with mild interest - they'd seen plenty of disasters, and become pretty jaded about it.

"This is just awful! My curmudgeon has experienced a transformative spiritual event and become a kindly old man!"

The second baker smiled wickedly.

Distracted by the commotion, the fourth baker inadvertently added a teaspoon of meta to her own recipe, rather than the jealousy she'd intended to pour in. She looked down in dismay at the convoluted mess that her author curmudgeon was turning into as a result. The baker checked her watch - was there enough time left in the challenge to start over? There would have to be. She brought her mixing bowl over to the garbage bin at the end of the counter and tipped the bowl to pour out the -

Comments

[bleodswean]

BRILLIANT!!! So much control over this slippery idea - like holding fast with your bare hands to a fish on a hook. Nice nice nice work here! And LOL funny which is a bonus!

Love the ending, too!

[furzicle.livejournal.com]

I don't know. This sounds both autobiographical as well as way too meta. I do love non-fiction!

[hwango]

Thank you!, that's very nice to hear. I was really, really not sure how this one was going to go over with people. I tried to set it aside and write something else, but it continued to crowd out all other possible ideas. So I'm very pleased to hear that at least one person found it entertaining. = )

[hwango]

I assure you, this is not even remotely autobiographical - I have never hosted a television show of any kind. = )

[halfshellvenus]

I loved this combination of British Baking Show and crack-- with authentic recipes and garnishes for curmudgeons!

And attention to the delicate balance of flavors-- not too much bitterness or sadness, and watch out for the curdling!

experienced a transformative spiritual event and become a kindly old man!
Hahahahaha! A classic failure of chemistry! And now the bake is soggy. :O

[morbane]

I really liked this! (Here by way of reading a friend's entry.) Clever but not a strained, over-energetic cleverness - you lay out your concept and then you get on with what happens within that framework. And the show details felt very authentic - the kinds of direct questions the judges ask, the slightly exaggerated responses 'ooh / risky' to keep up emotional momentum, notes about bitterness and temperature...

[rayaso]

What would the world be like without curmudgeons? I loved the ending -- adding meta to the recipe.

[d0gs.livejournal.com]

I loved this! You come up with such creative pieces every week and they are always so so enjoyable :D

[murielle]

Okay! I'm a huge fan of the Great British Baking...yeah, so this is just right up my alley, and you did it perfectly. I love the ending, though to be honest, I clicked on it a few times thinking there was more. But seriously, how much more did I need? Right? Wonderful take on the prompt. Yay! :-)

[fausts_dream]

I guffawed audibly...Good stuff

[hwango]

Transformative spiritual events ruin everything! = )

I'm glad you liked it.

[hwango]

Welcome! It's always nice to get feedback, but it's extra great to hear from someone new (especially this late in things). I'm glad you enjoyed it. = )

[hwango]

Back in my day, curmudgeons got a lot more respect than they do these days! = )

[hwango]

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[hwango]

It was surprisingly challenging to come up with a partial sentence for the ending than conveyed what I wanted and yet was still obviously cut off mid-sentence. = )

I'm still catching up on past seasons. It's weird, because I'm such a picky eater that I doubt I'd enjoy eating any of the stuff they make. And yet, I still find myself thinking "that looks good." = )

[hwango]

Always happy to earn a guffaw or two. I'd glad it amused. = )

[rayaso]

I know! I had to be a crank to get the respect I used to get as a curmudgeon. I'm not old enough to be a geezer.

[megatronix]

Haha, very amusing!! "There is such a thing as TOO much bitterness!" hahahaha! And I love that we as writers will understand all too well this entire entry. Especially those of us who also love baking shows. A very fun read!

[murielle]

It is definitely a drool-heavy series. At least for me. :-)

[hwango]

Thanks, I'm glad you thought it was fun.

Mmmm...bitterness. = )

[babydramatic_1950]

WOW! I just love this! And that you based it on the Great British Baking Show which I reall love, even though I don't bake (but I love anything British). Some of it hits really close to home, of course. I can see myself in some of these curmudgeons, unfortunately. I actually *did* work in an industry that for all intents and purposes ceased to exist and was forced to work in isolation at home. Was saved by Social Security, which enabled me to cut my isolated at home work hours back and do other things. And by the love of an 84 year old with dementia.

[flipflop_diva]

Ha! This is amazing! I love my reality cooking shows, and mixed with some meta and bitterness just makes the whole thing even better.

Especially this part: "This is just awful! My curmudgeon has experienced a transformative spiritual event and become a kindly old man!" Poor, poor Baker 1.

[itsjust_c]

I do love The Great British Bake Off... and you wrote it quite accurately.

Are you watching earlier BBC programmes with Mel and Sue or the newer Channel 4 ones with Sandy and Noel?

[hwango]

I'm watching on Netflix and sort of accidentally started with collection 6 (Sandy and Noel), then went back to watch 1 and 2 )(Mel and Sue), and plan to start 3 (looks to still be Mel and Sue) when I have some spare time.

[hwango]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Yes, poor Baker #1. But at least this way Tiny Tim gets to live. = )

[hwango]

I'm glad you liked it! I'm glad you were saved from Curmudgeonhood. That does sound rough.

[meridian_rose]

What an amazing tale! And also horrifying, if they're gods of some sort inflicting this on people; though do we are writers do this to characters...are characters alive...is that meta? :)

[hwango]

I remember writing a truly horrible and tragic backstory for a character once, and then joking that the whole point of being a writer was to make up imaginary people and then make them suffer. = )