LPF week 19 - rancor
Apr. 8th, 2019 04:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hwango"It's the final challenge of the semifinals," said one of the hosts. "For one of you, this will be your last ever Showstopper Challenge." Everyone had a few seconds for this dramatic pronouncement to sink in, and then the other host spoke.
"This is the last chance any of you have to impress the judges before they determine who will be going on to the finals, and who will be going home. Today, the judges would like you to make - a curmudgeon." The other host smoothly took over the patter again.
"You may use any method and life experiences that you like to create your curmudgeon, but the final product must be a bitter, ill-tempered shell of a human being."
"On your marks!" "Get set!" "Bake!" As always, their enthusiasm was simultaneously charming and slightly embarrassing.
The four bakers scrambled into action. The two judges walked over to the first workstation, where one of the bakers was already busily crafting the events and circumstances that would shape the life of his curmudgeon.
"Tell us about your showstopper," said the first judge.
"My curmudgeon is choosing personal wealth over human attachment, and then in his later years ultimately realizing that his wealth brings him no joy whatsoever." The baker continued stirring the ingredients for some formative school years as he spoke. "At that point it's too late for him to try to connect with people, and so he'll just retreat even further into his work and his money until he ultimately dies alone and unloved."
"That sounds delicious," said one of the judges, "but how are you going achieve that level of isolation?"
"Well, he'll lose his family quite young, and then have a serious romantic relationship that will end badly. He'll decide it's better not to open himself up the possibility of being hurt like that again, and he'll push away anyone he might come to care about even a little bit."
"All right, good luck." The judges moved on to the next workstation. "Okay then, tell us about your curmudgeon."
"I'm going to start my curmudgeon off with a happy early life and then a brief period of success. Then, when it all comes crashing down, he'll know exactly what he lost, and that should really crank up the bitterness and resentment he feels for people who still have things that make them happy."
"Are you worried that there might be any lingering sweetness from his early happiness?" asked one of the judges.
"No, I'm going to pour in so much misery you won't be able to taste even a hint of joy," the baker said.
"Okay then," said the judge.
"What sort of success are they going to have?" asked the other judge.
"Well, I'm going to go with traditional flavors like a career and a marriage, but eventually he'll lose both of those. The catalyst for the collapse is going to be his participation in a competitive amateur baking television program."
"How meta!" said the first judge.
"He'll make it all the way to the semifinals and then suffer a humiliating failure during the final challenge that will lead him to give up baking entirely."
"That sounds wonderful. Best of luck to you," said the second judge.
The third baker was preparing a recluse who retreated completely from the world after the industry he worked in simply ceased to exist, leaving him to feel that he didn't really have a place in the world at all anymore. The judges cautioned her that her curmudgeon might turn out more sad than bitter, but she was confident she could make it work. Then the judges moved on to the fourth baker.
"I'm making a writer," she said.
"Ooh!" said one of the judges, "that's a risky move!"
"We want bitterness, but there's such a thing as too much bitterness, you know." said the other judge. All three of them laughed at that.
"My curmudgeon is going to write several novels, but be unable to get any of them published. He'll watch best-selling authors spew out a steady stream of garbage that will sell on the basis of their existing fame, and which people will read and claim to like because they've been conditioned to think that it's good. Meanwhile, his own work will be regarded as too weird for mainstream audiences, and he'll be rejected again and again."
"Are you worried about your curmudgeon curdling into a full-blown misanthrope?"
"I think as long as I cook him at a low enough temperature he'll -"
"Oh no!" cried the first semifinalist in despair. The two hosts rushed over to see what the excitement was about. The judges watched from afar with mild interest - they'd seen plenty of disasters, and become pretty jaded about it.
"This is just awful! My curmudgeon has experienced a transformative spiritual event and become a kindly old man!"
The second baker smiled wickedly.
Distracted by the commotion, the fourth baker inadvertently added a teaspoon of meta to her own recipe, rather than the jealousy she'd intended to pour in. She looked down in dismay at the convoluted mess that her author curmudgeon was turning into as a result. The baker checked her watch - was there enough time left in the challenge to start over? There would have to be. She brought her mixing bowl over to the garbage bin at the end of the counter and tipped the bowl to pour out the -
"This is the last chance any of you have to impress the judges before they determine who will be going on to the finals, and who will be going home. Today, the judges would like you to make - a curmudgeon." The other host smoothly took over the patter again.
"You may use any method and life experiences that you like to create your curmudgeon, but the final product must be a bitter, ill-tempered shell of a human being."
"On your marks!" "Get set!" "Bake!" As always, their enthusiasm was simultaneously charming and slightly embarrassing.
The four bakers scrambled into action. The two judges walked over to the first workstation, where one of the bakers was already busily crafting the events and circumstances that would shape the life of his curmudgeon.
"Tell us about your showstopper," said the first judge.
"My curmudgeon is choosing personal wealth over human attachment, and then in his later years ultimately realizing that his wealth brings him no joy whatsoever." The baker continued stirring the ingredients for some formative school years as he spoke. "At that point it's too late for him to try to connect with people, and so he'll just retreat even further into his work and his money until he ultimately dies alone and unloved."
"That sounds delicious," said one of the judges, "but how are you going achieve that level of isolation?"
"Well, he'll lose his family quite young, and then have a serious romantic relationship that will end badly. He'll decide it's better not to open himself up the possibility of being hurt like that again, and he'll push away anyone he might come to care about even a little bit."
"All right, good luck." The judges moved on to the next workstation. "Okay then, tell us about your curmudgeon."
"I'm going to start my curmudgeon off with a happy early life and then a brief period of success. Then, when it all comes crashing down, he'll know exactly what he lost, and that should really crank up the bitterness and resentment he feels for people who still have things that make them happy."
"Are you worried that there might be any lingering sweetness from his early happiness?" asked one of the judges.
"No, I'm going to pour in so much misery you won't be able to taste even a hint of joy," the baker said.
"Okay then," said the judge.
"What sort of success are they going to have?" asked the other judge.
"Well, I'm going to go with traditional flavors like a career and a marriage, but eventually he'll lose both of those. The catalyst for the collapse is going to be his participation in a competitive amateur baking television program."
"How meta!" said the first judge.
"He'll make it all the way to the semifinals and then suffer a humiliating failure during the final challenge that will lead him to give up baking entirely."
"That sounds wonderful. Best of luck to you," said the second judge.
The third baker was preparing a recluse who retreated completely from the world after the industry he worked in simply ceased to exist, leaving him to feel that he didn't really have a place in the world at all anymore. The judges cautioned her that her curmudgeon might turn out more sad than bitter, but she was confident she could make it work. Then the judges moved on to the fourth baker.
"I'm making a writer," she said.
"Ooh!" said one of the judges, "that's a risky move!"
"We want bitterness, but there's such a thing as too much bitterness, you know." said the other judge. All three of them laughed at that.
"My curmudgeon is going to write several novels, but be unable to get any of them published. He'll watch best-selling authors spew out a steady stream of garbage that will sell on the basis of their existing fame, and which people will read and claim to like because they've been conditioned to think that it's good. Meanwhile, his own work will be regarded as too weird for mainstream audiences, and he'll be rejected again and again."
"Are you worried about your curmudgeon curdling into a full-blown misanthrope?"
"I think as long as I cook him at a low enough temperature he'll -"
"Oh no!" cried the first semifinalist in despair. The two hosts rushed over to see what the excitement was about. The judges watched from afar with mild interest - they'd seen plenty of disasters, and become pretty jaded about it.
"This is just awful! My curmudgeon has experienced a transformative spiritual event and become a kindly old man!"
The second baker smiled wickedly.
Distracted by the commotion, the fourth baker inadvertently added a teaspoon of meta to her own recipe, rather than the jealousy she'd intended to pour in. She looked down in dismay at the convoluted mess that her author curmudgeon was turning into as a result. The baker checked her watch - was there enough time left in the challenge to start over? There would have to be. She brought her mixing bowl over to the garbage bin at the end of the counter and tipped the bowl to pour out the -
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Date: 2019-04-10 05:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-10 08:51 pm (UTC)